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I'm at the ending!!!

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Well-Known Member
I am really not in a good place right now. So don't take this word for word. I want to end it all and probably will for the last time. This illness is pure HELL!!! I have been diagnosed with BPD, severe social anxiety, major depression, SI(suicide ideation), SIB(self injury behavior), I cut and have for years, PTSD(there is probably some things I haven't remembered). I have absolutely no friends, no family (because they didn't believe that my so called father sexually abused me and it was best to put that drama behind me.) no friendly aquaintenances(if that is spelled correctly), nothing. I moved from Indiana about 12 yrs. ago to Minnesota to be closer to my sister and my niece and nephew who I adore. I've now been committed to the state for the second time. Last year, my niece graduated high school and I fucking missed it because I was in the mental ward. I have never regreted more than that moment. I had previously basically helped raise my niece and nephew. Then I was basically either pushed away or maybe it was just in my head, away. I no longer spend time with them. Maybe an occasional, drop by or quick phone call so they don't call the cops to check up on me. I had a so called career that ended about four years ago. I was in retail management for 13 yrs. and in many of my positions a store manager for many successful companies. I was pretty good at my job or so I thought at the time. I now know that because of my illness I never got along with my supervisors and at that time still had no friends. Because who is going to send the boss home to her so called personal life, I basically worked 80 hours a week. I don't work now because of my illnesses. I had and have no one and that probably kills me the most. I know I am a caring and loving person, I just will never be able to point it in the right direction. Being committed when you are 33 yrs. old is hell. I have a case manager who gets to determine basically rather or not I am "stable" and what I have to do for my illness. I found out last week that she and the hospital I just got out of, thinks I am an attention getter (which I just don't get because I try to hold it together so much), and that ECT, therapy, medication and hospitals (even though when I have gone to the hospital it was because I attempted suicide and I got chicken shit.) don't help me, and that is why I have such confusion on ok, if I can't get help from these outlets, why bother or what am I suppose to do now that I am so suicidal, what am I suppose to do? I always thought that in last resorts I could go to the hospital if it got too bad, I was wrong. I think it bothers me more because I really tried during my last hospital stayto learn as much as I could and be there for the other patients. I know I can be extremely frustrating because I don't say much, I've attempted suicide so many times (27), soon to be the last, also, my SIB can get out of control and I've been hospitalized 15 times in four years. My head never turns off, I am always trying to analyze and figure out this hell. I can't turn it off. I basically, stay in my apartment except for the occasional 15 minute trip to Target to get my prescriptions. My anxiety is so bad that I've had about 10 panic attacks in just the two weeks that I've been home from the hospital. That doesn't include all the panic attacks I had in the hospital because my doctor was a jackass and doesn't believe in anxiety medications. What a dumb fuck, lets just make the patient suffer, that makes so much more sense. I live in constant pain and agony from this illness. I just can't wrap my head around why I, who I feel is intelligent, can't figure this out. I've now tried DBT twice and have to go for the third time because of my case manager. I personally think it is a load of bullshit someone got paid to make up that sounded really good. I am currently in therapy for I couldn't even tell you the number of times, I sit and basically say nothing because I trust no one, and I truely believe my words or thoughts would just get me in more of a difficult situation and I just don't need anymore. I just am so confused. I know there are people who say they can manage the symptoms of this illness, I just can't make it work for me. Sorry, for the rant, I just wish this would end!!!kmj221
Hi kmj221
Please do not apologize for ranting, sometimes it just helps a little bit to get it out there, explain about how you are feeling, and to know someone somewhere knows just how awful it is for you. I am so sorry that you are going through all of this, and even more so that I don't have the answers to make this better for you. All I can say is that you just need to keep fighting. People do care about you, you mentioned your nieces and nephews, they would care an awful lot if you weren't around, whether you can see that or not. And it may sound lame, but I care. I care about whether you live or die. I know every minute of every day is a struggle for you to get through, that it physically hurts you having to cope with this, and I wish there was something I could do to make it feel a bit more bearable, but please don't give up. It shows the remarkable strength you have to have made it this far, you may not be able to see that, but I can. Keep posting, venting, telling us how you are feeling, and we will try to help as much as we can. If it all gets too much, please ring a crisis line, just so you have someone to talk to. And you can seriously PM me any time you need to talk, so don't hesitate if you need someone to listen. Take care hon :hug:
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