I'm back and still as depressed as ever

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Heavenly Star, Dec 30, 2009.

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  1. Heavenly Star

    Heavenly Star Well-Known Member

    Hi everyone. I haven't been around on here for a few months, things have been pretty bad. Just wanted to say thank you to the people who were asking about me and if i was ok. It was nice to know some people out there care and notice me. It actually made me cry! To have someone ask if i was ok.

    Since i last posted on here my life has just gone downhill pretty quickly. I didn't believe it was possible to be more depressed than i already was but unfortunately it's true. I have never felt so low in my life. I don't want to live anymore. The past few months have seen many suicide attempts (and failures obviously). Despite this my so called 'mental health team' still don't care and won't do anything to help. So i've basically given up on them. I only see them when i have to and when i do see them i just lie and tell them everything is fine. I've had enough of trying to tell them how i really feel. They just don't listen anyway.

    To make things even more difficult i'm struggling with an eating disorder. I've been starving myself, making myself sick and now have an unhealthy dependance on laxatives. I've lost an awful lot of weight (just over 2 stone). I'm now deemed underweight. I went to see a eating disorder specialist just before christmas and he told me there was nothing they could offer me, it wasn't that bad and i should stop wasting people's time. I was really hurt and totally gobsmacked when he said that. So now it's just made it even worse. My eating disorder is the only thing i have. It's mine, only i control it. So i've decided to carry on and starve myself to death. The sooner i'm dead the better.

    Sorry for rambling on. I just needed to get it all out. i'm really struggling to understand why nobody ever helps me. I try and be rational about it but it's hard when i've been rejected so many times. I guess i'm just not meant to have a life.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    They reject you because they are incompetent they just don't have a clue how to help people. Keep trying okay it took my twin 2 years before she found someone who took time to care and truly listen. I am glad you are back here because people care here don't leave okay. Keep posting so we can help. It only takes one kind person to reach out and you will meet that person just keep trying. I hope you can try hard to eat something don't give up.
     
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm sorry to hear about all you are facing and struggling with. And yeah it does feel so special to know people here care doesnt it? A place that you really belong :arms:

    I have the same problems with my "professional" help. Always have. I think it's because we dont fit the typical molds that they train for. We dont find help in their usual coping or rethinking methods. Maybe at first, but they soon deteriorate. Because our mental health issues have been a part of us for so long, it's like trying to learn not to use your arms or legs!! I get to the point that I feel like, I shouldnt have to tell them when I feel extremely suicidal. They should know me well enough by now. After all these years, there is no more new things to discuss. No more ways to fix things. And the clues that I'm thinking suicidal and then the even bigger ones when I'm actively suicidal should be recognized by now. And yes I ending up sugar coating it and saying I'm not that bad when I should be saying I'm terrible. But they do after a point not listen anymore. And that is so sad.

    You eating disorder is very similar to my need to cut and other SH methods. Yep, you control it. But on a realistic level hun, it controls you. I hope that you can see that you deserve to be completely in control of it and change it around. So that one day soon you are in control and dont let it hurt you anymore. I know you need professional help to do that. So please, dont let this ass deter you. Keep looking. Go to a few local hospitals and ask about an inpatient program. It takes several weeks but you may find the help you need to get you started and then be able to defeat it on your own.

    You arent rambling at all. You are saying what you wish the professionals would here. So keep talking. Keep getting it out. You know people here will listen and help anyway they can.

    I'm sorry you're back here because it means you are hurting. But I'm so glad you are and not trying to do this on your own!!
     
  4. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    I've learned not to give a "rats ass" for what the systems thinks. I go there, tell them I'm not fine, same shit different day, collect my meds and go home.

    Here at SF, we will listen, we'll share out experiences, and we care. Sometimes when one doctor says something so totally insensitive we need to ask for another doctor. I know, I don't always do that, but I learning how to tell them they are wrong. It's hard to, I know, it's hard for me to do it, but sometimes I succeed. Written complaints to their stupid complaint departments are important too.

    Keep posting here. It'll help get it out of your head.

    :hug:
     
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