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I'm back and stuck in the same loop

Jsinjin

SF Supporter
#1
It's like I can't break out. The ideas of looking up, believing in shades of gray, not thinking in black and white just keep coming. The therapy does nothing for me and I always wind up back in the loop, back to wishing I was not alive and back to floating through life on a cloud not even eble to see what's going on around me. I have therapy and drugs and help and I hate who I am and what I've become. As I approach 50 knowing that all that's left is getting older, a lame retirement and more garbage I just dont want to continue. I'm so tired of feeling like this but I'm so completely stuck. I hate talking about what I value during group therapy, I hate to discuss strategies for living in the moment. What I want is to erase a major chunk of my history and redo all the bad decisions I made. I want to fix my situation without hurting anyone elses feelings or having anyone left in any type of bad emotional state at all. I want to change everything with zero disruption to life

That's what makes me so down.
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#3
the older we get the more we regret negative decisions in our past. i think everyone wishes they could go back in time and fix mistakes. but the reality is they are part of who we are. just try to make the best decisions now and in the future. and @Jsinjin try to look at the positive things you have now and in the future. i hope you can move forward and have joy in your future...mike...*hug
 

Jsinjin

SF Supporter
#4
I'm just so tired of it. I live in horrible fear of my spouse, I'm trapped by fear of leaving, I don't want to hurt anyone or make anyone upset and I don't want to confront anyone. I feel so tied by this and it keeps going the same route and I wind up back in therapy or back in an in patient or outpatient setting with the exact same discussions occurring and each time the interval.is shorter and I get deeply down again. I get even worse with the "you're the only person who can make the choice" attitude or "you're responsible for your own situation" nothing on the planet makes me more suicidal than those sentiments. I have one or two weeks where things look up then it's back to screaming or throwing things and the hoarding and piles of garbage and dozens of stray animals she takes in. I never wanted to live like this. I bought a brand new sports car last year from r myself and I have a four car garage and it sits in the front yard under a tree because the garage is full from floor to ceiling with all of her stuff. We have every single pair of clothes the kids who are now in their teens and twenties have ever had or work going back to infant. We even have their car seats from being a baby. If I dare throw anything away the violent behavior is so scary that I don't even want to dare tough anything. My company shipped me a larger home monitor and I was in the process of giving away the previous one to a freind because the company did not want it back and she grilled me for two hours about what it is worth and will the company be upset and have I made sure I don't need it and do I want to keep it just in case something goes wrong and is there any way that anything can be traced back to me if something illegal is done with it. I was being grilled like an interrogation by a police officer over giving away a monitor that my company's IT said to just get rid of and it cost nothing to me and I lead an entire division of the data science group there and who in the world cares about this. I live in such fear of her and her anger and the kids do too. I have three kids and two have the same suicidal tendencies that I do. I'm just so tired of coming back to the exact same place, trying to look. On the bright side then right back. I dont do drugs, I don't drink, I work out every day religiously, I go to church every week, I volunteer in scouts and write and lecture at a local university but my mcmansion home in Surburbia looks like a run down trailer park, we can't mow because some wildflowers have spring up and she wants them to go to seed and the city sends notices, the paint is peeling and she doesn't want any decision made in the paint colors because she will handle it, the roof has needs replacing and I have the cash to do it but for four years she has been decisions on the right color of shingles. But I have learned if I dare make a choice like that myself the consequences will escalate to absolute fear and violence and it's petrifying for all of us.
 

Ixtab

Well-Known Member
#5
Man I feel for you that’s rough. I’m in my thirties but it makes sense what you’re saying and where you’re at. I try to weigh good things in the present to bad things in the past it gives me a sense of balance and makes me palatable to my own ethics and standards. People make mistakes buddy if you’re still alive there are good things you can do to even it out but not if you’re dead then it’s only regret.
 

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