So... honestly didn't think I'd be here again. So, because of COVID, my mom had me move out of the dorm a month or two before the dorms were emptied out, and we basically moved back to Kentucky. She took all of the savings me and my sister had, and used it to buy 9.2 acres of land to start a little farm on. I have a 16x40 shed and a chicken coop in my name now, because she didn't want them to be taken away because there was the possibility of her having to file for bankruptcy. I also had to pay for them, but she pays the monthly pay-to-own costs. Only now, in August 2020, have I been able to truly start to save up again without having to worry about her asking me to buy something. Me and my sister are living in the trailer my parents own, while the rest of my family are staying in the shed that they've been renovating to be a little house. So, it's like living in the dorms, but at home. The thing is, the emotional abuse has started up again, and I really fucked up this time. So, I actually wrote an email to my mom in an attempt to communicate everything I was feeling, and it gives a pretty good summarization of everything that happened until June 18. I'm not able to remember what physically happened between us, so this is the best that I'd be able to give you guys. I wrote the email to express my feelings to her, since I thought it was the only way I'd be able to actually reach out to her with my inability to do it face to face. It's the attachment, so you guys can read it when you get to this point. Anyways, apparently she never got it. She only found about it when I broke down and told my sister about it in one of our usual heart-to-heart conversations over how we felt our mother was turning into someone that resembled our narcissistic and psychotic grandmother, with her emotional abuse. And she basically acted like she didn't care when we talked, and I told her that I thought it would be a good idea if I moved out, since she had wanted me to move out and back to my biological dad. (Which, if you've read my past posts, wouldn't be the greatest idea.) So, I said that I knew that I would still be here in December, and I was trying to imply that we could talk about when I'd probably move out when December came around and not the actual move out date, since I needed to start saving up to get my own apartment. I never said that I wanted to move out in December, I never did. However I guess she took it as the final move out date, because she'd keep on reminding me at random intervals, some of which were after we had had a small issue with one another, that I was going to move out then. I guess it is my fault, since I never corrected her. I was just scared to, since a talk with her has always ended with me being frustrated with her in some way. My mom, in the duration of being here in Kentucky (We moved in like, May?), has stopped taking Xanax, with no doctor supervision, mind you. (Look up why that's dangerous to do alone, and look up the symptoms of Xanax withdrawal) So, she was blaming her sudden change in actions on the withdrawal and how she "was suddenly feeling when she suddenly hadn't before" so anything she did was "okay" because she was going through this. I can understand that what she was doing was dangerous, and that she would have some mental reactions to it as well, but she was basically using it an excuse as to why we shouldn't blame her for when we'd have a small argument or if one of us were frustrated with her actions. I've noticed, with the help of my sister, that our mom was emotionally manipulating us, and abusing us? Like, the extent of it? At this point, I'm not all here in the head when it comes to making my own thoughts, since I've been repressing everything that deals with my mind. Thoughts? Weren't even there in the first place. Memories? What memories, I haven't had any memories that I can remember? Future plans? Heh, what future? My sister had asked me to keep what we talk about to myself, which I can't help but do because I can't even remember the last talk we had, let alone any other we've ever had. However, I thought that she was doing the same for me. Well apparently not. My sister was always complaining about how our mom was treating me, and always talking bad about me behind my back. That she didn't want to be the middle man between us, and just wished that we'd talk or something. Um, we already said that our mother doesn't take any criticism about herself, and she'd attack our emotions and bring up something relevant to her that would almost be literal suicide if we said something about it. Besides, I never asked you to be the middle man between us, I've already accepted how she treats me as a fact of life, and I can't really find it in myself to be upset with it anymore. I still love her, at least on a conscious level I do. I don't know on a subconscious level, apparently. I'd still lay my life down for her, and I would be emotionally wrecked to leave her. Like, I am emotionally wrecked about her wanting me to leave. She's already expressed that she doesn't care about me or what I do, she's already have. But, she says she still loves me? How is emotionally abusing me as a kid, and even now, love? I'm terrified of you on every level of our relationship, but yet I try to make sure that I don't fuck up around you. You don't, you act like you don't care about anything but your image. You've said that you'd leave us if you weren't getting anything out of living with us, and that you'd just up and drive away if you got sick of us. You always talk about killing yourself around me, finding a way to bring that up in almost every conversation we've had that wasn't just small talk. Anyways, I had a nightmare recently. I don't know how the argument we were having started, but I suddenly called her my grandmothers name. I knew in that moment that I had fucked up, but for some reason I went with it. I proceeded to tell her how her emotional abuse wasn't okay, how her emotional manipulation wasn't okay, that it was affecting my older sister, and that my younger siblings were noticing what was going on. That I didn't believe that my step-father hadn't sexually abused me, and that at this point, I know that it either happened, or it was some fucked up realistic hallucination that I had been living at the time. (Speaking of, I never got to see the picture of him in a sling, that she claimed was of him after a shoulder surgery, and that's how she knew he had never done it since he had that surgery a little before any of the incidents that I said happened had happened, so I was obviously wrong.) Anyways, it ended up with her telling me to pack my bags and just leave. Well, I grabbed <moderator edit - method> so that I could die in a ditch somewhere. That's where the dream ended <mod edit> Well, I had been feeling off all day because of this realistic dream, and I eventually told my older sister about it, because I trusted her not to tell my mom. Well, my family has recently started having a "family weekend", where we play a game on Friday, watch a movie on Saturday, and do either one on Sunday. Well, it was Saturday, and I told my sister that the dream had left me reeling to much to want to participate in movie night. Well, apparently my mom commented, "How could this be family night if the entire family wasn't there." My sister told my mom the entirety of my dream. Like, everything. I can only assume she told my mom everything at this point, and they're both saying that she didn't, but it doesn't explain the next bit I'm about to say.. Well, my little siblings heard (13 year old brother and 10 year old sister), and they told me that she had told them. My siblings said that she had told mom that I had wanted to kill myself. Apparently my sister didn't even have the audacity to either wait until the movie was over, or to pull my mom to the side to tell her. She let my little siblings hear everything, which wasn't okay. They told me, and instead of just saying that it was a dream, I told them how I was dealing with my Depression, and how that they were a huge part in why I hadn't killed myself. I unknowingly painted my mom in a villain position without meaning to as well? I know, I shouldn't have done that. I wasn't thinking, and wasn't in the right mindset after hearing that my older sister had told my mom something so personal, in front of them no less. It isn't an excuse, and I'm devastated that I did this. They seemed like they had taken it so well and had been perfectly fine that night. Apparently my younger sister apparently had a breakdown Sunday morning, and my mom and sister confronted me about it. They told me that it wasn't okay that I did what I did, and I can understand. It wasn't okay that I did that, and I feel like absolute shit about it. I asked if there was anything I could do to fix this, and she told me that there wasn't. She told me that I wasn't allowed to talk to my siblings alone anymore, and apparently told my little siblings that they weren't allowed to talk to me. I can understand that, I shouldn't be allowed to talk to them after what I did. I basically did what my mother and grandmother would do, and I hate it. I haven't talked to anyone in two days, and I'm really suicidal right now. I just feel so betrayed right now, and so disgusted with myself. I know it wasn't okay what I told my little siblings, and I didn't mean for things to turn out how they did. I didn't mean to paint my mom as the bad guy, and I didn't mean to make them like that they were the only reason why I was still alive. Yeah, that is true, but I didn't mean to make it seem like that to them. I only wanted to tell them that yeah, even though I go through Depression and Anxiety, I'm working through this and that everything will be okay. That's all I wanted to do, honest. I didn't mean anything harmful to come out of this, but my mom and older sister don't see it that way. What makes everything worse is that after my older sister found out that I knew that she had told my mom about my dream, she said that she had been collecting information about how our mom felt about me, and that it wasn't what I thought it was. I want to know what she meant, but I'm too scared to talk to her about it. I'm scared that she hates me now, and I don't want to poke the beehive that I've angered. however, all of this has left me really suicidal. Like, really suicidal. I don't want to live anymore, I really can only mess up the good things in my life, and I don't want to hurt anyone else. I've realized that I really do need therapy, and that I may be some sort of narcissistic like my mom and grandmother. <mod edit> I don't feel like I can trust anyone anymore, and I can't take it! I want to fix what I've done, but it seems like there is no way to. They're refusing to talk to me unless I initiate contact, and I've only mustered up the courage to ask them about some laundry related things today when I needed to do my laundry. I want to interact with them, but I'm scared to, and I don't want to know just how they feel about me now. I just want to know what I should do now. Would it be the right decision to get checked into a mental hospital, even if I'm scared to. I've been in one before and it wasn't bad, but I don't want to be a disappointment to both myself and my family by having to go into one again. I can't get a therapist, there are none around here, so I have no one to talk to that could help me with my issues that is a professional. I feel really sick, and I don't want to eat. I honestly don't know what to do, and I know that I'm probably going to kill myself soon. I just want some advice, and the honest truth. I'm part of my problem, I know that. It isn't just my mom or older sister, it's also me. I can recognize that much, at least. I'm about to be 20 in two months, and I'm the worst person I could ever be at the moment, and the most revolting in my eyes.
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