im back, but i wish i wasn'

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by makary, Sep 18, 2009.

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  1. makary

    makary Member

    i really just can't take it anymore. now i just wanna rest in piece. sleep all day is the the best thing i do....

    5 years ago it was good, had a gf, perfectly healthy, in school (high school) everything was good. then, her parents had to move to Ottawa because of their job, and since i was the only one working a shit min wage part time job, not like we had a chnace to move in somewhere together...we'd be she moved away. Thought we'd at least be in contact...but shes gone. I guess i moved on a bit a year later and went for a 5th extra year of highschool to figure out what i wanna study (college or univ. and what). I managed to get into an arhitecture prog. at college. First year...well first sem was still great....then in march 07 i got rear ended while at a stop light. 50yrs old careless lady rammed me going 70km/h...the start of my neck pains. whole lotta physio and chiropractors...slowly getting better.

    may '08....rear ended again...FML. i wasnt recovered after the first one...and wham, complications galore. i guess this was the nail on the sports for me....everything causes extra pain...lost alot of self esteem, not much social time for chance to meet any girl if im sitting at home (was living on my own to be near school) miserable. only thing ppl liked me for was all the free tutoring and help and nice things i did for that theyve one gives a one really calls...they only called when they needed something. so i got alot of em on facebook...think any of the 60 "friends" remembered my birthday? nope.

    i was diagnosed w/ chronic neck pain in 08....i became really suicicdal and all down. two ppl really noticed and apparently cared...led me to counselling. Well, the best the counsellor could help me was if we narrowed it down to whats upsetting me and get rid of it. well good luck treating neck pain w/ anti-depressants. aint gonna work. didnt work. eventually, those two 'freinds' said that im causes them too much stress and they cant deal w/ me...(wtf did they care in the first place barrier was up...and i told them to stay away)..well i got my wish.

    i attempted to end it twice...freinds came in. another time, a stranger intervened. i got off lucky... didnt get sent anywhere...cuz if i did, i'd insta-suicide.

    well fast forward to april 09...i graduated..barely...that last semester i barely made it...too depressed. i figured i may as well get a good job like i had last year for co-op and try to get over it. well stupid recession and ppl not hiring much...5 months later..its now september and im still jobeless, living at home.

    so what do i do? well friends are busy. some moved away and got new friends. neck pain is getting worse...nothing is helping, no pills, no physio nothing is working. my last hope was a nerve block injection which failed miserably, caused more pain and didnt work. i sleep alot. i go to bed...hmm well rite now its 4:30 am....and im still awake.....maybe il lgo to bed later at around breakfast time and sleep my day away.

    if i ever get the chance to do it...and make it an accident , so that way it wont be as bad for my family....ill go thru w/ it. i just dont want to deal w/ life anymore. its painful everything.

    what am i supposed to do? my depressio nwill only get cured if i resolve/eliminate the source...well the source is a chronic neck pain that a bunch of doctors have said may never go away. pain pills dont work, nerve block injections failed...endless cycle. i really want out....i dont kno what to do...

  2. WldHair

    WldHair Well-Known Member

    Makary, I can understand how chronic pain can interfere with your state of mind. I used to suffer from cluster headaches and they could drive you absolutely insane. I'm sorry you're suffering so because to have to deal with it daily can be unbearable.

    Can you try some alternative healing methods such as acupuncture and Reiki? I know Reiki and Healing Touch therapies have worked wonders for those in chronic pain.

    I wish I could say something positive about people, but I don't have a lot of friends either. While the Internet has made some instances better, I think the computer and PDAs have alienated people even more. Facebook is a joke, I'd quit it if it were for a few people who found me from childhood. But it isn't like we're great pals or anything. After I had my breakdowns, I lost pretty much the few friends I had. The problem with people is everyone is told that everything needs to be "bright, sunny and positive" in their world. That "negative and toxic" people will just bring them down and they have to cut them loose. Unfortunately, this is a crock. It's utter selfishness. I've had people vent to me, I'm here on this board and listen to people here. Can't no one bring you down unless you allow it and since they're allowing it, then they have the problem. Now it's true dealing with some extreme cases can be draining, but to simply sit with someone who is down and needs a friend is not.

    There's nothing wrong with you, it's just people not wanting anything to upset their normal little lives. Don't allow yourself to feel down because of them. It's hard I know because it hurts when I can't even get people to even care.

    Continue to try and find help for you neck. It's out there. You may just find that one doctor who can make a difference.

  3. makary

    makary Member

    thanks for ur kind words...but i think i may have damned well tried everything.

    accupuncture = failed
    herbal accupuncture = failed
    chineses accup. = failed

    physio therpay places and chiropratcor = failed

    pain pills from docs, prexcribed and non prescr. = failed

    i ve had close to two dozen blood clots removed from my neck...theres still apparently more i nthere...but whats the point...its not helping me any.

    injections = failed.

    my family doc gave up. the hospital docs are giving up.
    physio decided i deserve massages....they failed.....then they're trying to sell me random pills to make $$$ ...c'mon, now theyre trying to scam me, especially since the docs say the pills are bogus.

    i think its over.
  4. makary

    makary Member

    i cant help but keep thinking about how i should just die...maybe walk in front of a car...nooo that would scar the driver for life....see i care too much not to hurt others....but im just getting more and more reckless, i cross streets w/o looking and other simillar things. sometime i wish i lived in a bad neighbor hood where i could walk up to a gang and get shot...eventually this may come true...i fail at everyhting else...might as well fail at life soon
  5. Littlewiji

    Littlewiji Well-Known Member

    Ouch, I feel for you, neck pain's a bitch. I managed to get mine sorted out with a chiropracter though.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 18, 2009
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