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im back haha fun

#1
for the past few days ive been feeling progressively more empty. my emotions kind of overflowed recently after feeling "okay" for so long, and i had a breakdown that lasted a few hours before bed and continued on through almost the entirety of the following day. ever since then i havent felt like myself, whoever that is. i feel so awful about my future and how much of my time ive wasted. the past five years have been completely useless, all ive done is cry and complain about my loneliness. to this day, i dont take any action over anything. ive never taken a personal problem into my own hands and solved it. i feel like i can never truly take control of my life. i still hate myself as much as ever. confidence was already at rock bottom before, but now its broken past that and has just been falling deeper down an infinite abyss. ive been venting in a few different outlets, but i feel terrible when i do that because i feel like im begging for attention. when people dont reply or message me i get upset and frustrated, which only makes me feel like a selfish piece of trash. i havent started self harming again, but im getting really damn close. i just want to feel normal. i dont want to feel like a husk anymore, i hate this. i feel like a corpse, but wasting space and time. im turning 19 this year and i feel more worthless and small than i ever have. this might be the year where i do it, otherwise ill be nothing more than a homeless bum with no prospects, living out the rest of my days for no other reason than to live. sure, maybe living just to live isnt all that bad, but it sounds rather insufferable when you have such a passionate hatred for yourself.
 
#2
Sorry that you're feeling so bad
i feel so awful about my future and how much of my time ive wasted. the past five years have been completely useless
Wasting 5 years of your life is not so uncommon, and in the long run not really a big deal. You don't necessarily have to do a lot with your time to have a life that's worthwhile. Accepting the loss can help you make the most of the future.
ive never taken a personal problem into my own hands and solved it.
I can understand how that could shake your confidence. For anything that anyone ever does, there's always a first time though.
ive been venting in a few different outlets, but i feel terrible when i do that because i feel like im begging for attention
It's reasonable to ask for help and support when you need it. Not only is there nothing wrong with that, it's something profoundly healthy because reaching out is often the first step to things getting better.
when people dont reply or message me i get upset and frustrated, which only makes me feel like a selfish piece of trash
There's nothing selfish about it. Sometimes it just takes a while until someone reads what you're posted, and is able to compose a reply. I think many people will just read posts but never reply to any of them.
my emotions kind of overflowed recently after feeling "okay" for so long
Do you know why you felt "okay" for so long, and why things overflowed recently?

I hope things can get better soon
 

johnDoen

Outsider in the Realm of Lost and Found
#3
for the past few days ive been feeling progressively more empty. my emotions kind of overflowed recently after feeling "okay" for so long, and i had a breakdown that lasted a few hours before bed and continued on through almost the entirety of the following day. ever since then i havent felt like myself, whoever that is. i feel so awful about my future and how much of my time ive wasted. the past five years have been completely useless, all ive done is cry and complain about my loneliness. to this day, i dont take any action over anything. ive never taken a personal problem into my own hands and solved it. i feel like i can never truly take control of my life. i still hate myself as much as ever. confidence was already at rock bottom before, but now its broken past that and has just been falling deeper down an infinite abyss. ive been venting in a few different outlets, but i feel terrible when i do that because i feel like im begging for attention. when people dont reply or message me i get upset and frustrated, which only makes me feel like a selfish piece of trash. i havent started self harming again, but im getting really damn close. i just want to feel normal. i dont want to feel like a husk anymore, i hate this. i feel like a corpse, but wasting space and time. im turning 19 this year and i feel more worthless and small than i ever have. this might be the year where i do it, otherwise ill be nothing more than a homeless bum with no prospects, living out the rest of my days for no other reason than to live. sure, maybe living just to live isnt all that bad, but it sounds rather insufferable when you have such a passionate hatred for yourself.
I'd like to think that no time is wasted. You may have learned at least a thing or two during that 5 years, but you couldn't remember. There is something serious growing in your mind at the moment that requires your attention. Your begs for attention are simply asking for helps, as this growing thing has become something more than you could handle.

One good thing from being at the bottom is that no matter what direction you go, it's always up.

If you need an immediate attention, as in the case of emergency, there are always available crisis hotlines: SF's collections. The people on SF are always here with you, though we may not often on time in replying, either because it takes a long time to read a post, cannot come up with a friendly and sound reply, or forget to reply.

Hang in there.
 

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