for the past few days ive been feeling progressively more empty. my emotions kind of overflowed recently after feeling "okay" for so long, and i had a breakdown that lasted a few hours before bed and continued on through almost the entirety of the following day. ever since then i havent felt like myself, whoever that is. i feel so awful about my future and how much of my time ive wasted. the past five years have been completely useless, all ive done is cry and complain about my loneliness. to this day, i dont take any action over anything. ive never taken a personal problem into my own hands and solved it. i feel like i can never truly take control of my life. i still hate myself as much as ever. confidence was already at rock bottom before, but now its broken past that and has just been falling deeper down an infinite abyss. ive been venting in a few different outlets, but i feel terrible when i do that because i feel like im begging for attention. when people dont reply or message me i get upset and frustrated, which only makes me feel like a selfish piece of trash. i havent started self harming again, but im getting really damn close. i just want to feel normal. i dont want to feel like a husk anymore, i hate this. i feel like a corpse, but wasting space and time. im turning 19 this year and i feel more worthless and small than i ever have. this might be the year where i do it, otherwise ill be nothing more than a homeless bum with no prospects, living out the rest of my days for no other reason than to live. sure, maybe living just to live isnt all that bad, but it sounds rather insufferable when you have such a passionate hatred for yourself.