I'm back...more suicidal than ever

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ruiner, Aug 21, 2006.

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  1. ruiner

    ruiner Active Member

    If anyone remembers, I posted here a couple of months ago because I was severly depressed. Before I start I would like to thank those who PMed me, even though I was lost for words at that time and didn't reply back.

    Well my girlfriend and I moved to Memphis, TN. It sounded like a great idea at the time. Everything would have been fine if I hadn't screwed it up. We didn't have internet at our apartment so thats kind of why you haven't seen me around. She got happy and after a year of being together she broke up with me because she couldn't take my depression anymore.

    We still lived together for another month. Absolute hell. You know what sucks? When you and the one you're with love each other to death, but you're so damn unhappy(for NO APPARENT REASON) and you both suffer.

    I took <mod edit - sadsong - no methods please> while she was at work one day because I hated myself for what I had done and felt as if this world was not meant for me. I put my headphones on, blasted my mp3 player and closed my eyes. I woke up about six hours later. My mp3 player was off due to it playing 5 albums in a row and going off automatically. I didn't remember any of it. And I had a really bad headache.

    After that we mutually agreed to seperate until we got our s**t together, and I moved out. Its been about 5 days now, and I'm living with family in Columbus, MS. Its a 2 1/2 hour drive from Memphis. My now ex-girlfriend and I are still talking everyday. We still care for one another. We are not fighting. She claims that she's responsible for some things as well, but I don't agree. I take blame for all of it. If I could just SMILE once in a damn while and not rely on others for happiness, she would not have stopped being attracted to me. We haven't had sex for 3 months now. I am worthless. I see no hope in me doing the one simple thing that she needs for us to be together again: obtaining happiness. I do not want to return to nothing, but that seems like the only relief. Maybe I just need a friend or something, I am not very social.

    Oh and I did not mention this last time, but I have a sex problem. It makes me feel needed and worth something. Isn't that pathetic, or does anyone else go through this? Any advice?

    Thank you for your time.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 21, 2006
  2. sadsong

    sadsong Staff Alumni

    Hi, welcome back to the forum.

    I'm sorry you're not feeling any better, It would be so much easier if there was an overnight cure for depression.

    Making a big move to another place is a big step, and it's difficult to know how you will cope. It's good that you and your ex are still talking, but i think it's important to take some time for yourself. Try and discover something that makes you smile, even if only for a second (i know that it's easier said than done). If you can find something you enjoy then maybe she will see in you that little spark which she loves.

    Many people find that sex makes them feel needed and worth something, it is not unusual. Sex is an intimate act that gives people a good feeling, especially when with someone you love. It's easy to measure your own worth by your sex life, but it's not the best way to measure your worth as it can lead to becoming obsessed by sex. Try and find something to measure your worth by. You have someone who loves you and cares about you, even though you're not having sex at the moment, i think that counts for a lot.

  3. ruiner

    ruiner Active Member

    Yeah I guess I have to deal with it. This is the suckiest time of my life. Plus I haven't had sex in 3 months so my self esteem is pretty much at the bottom. Thank you sadsong, does any one else have advice?
  4. ruiner

    ruiner Active Member

    ok well i guess no one gives a shit. My first day of work is tomorrow and i'm wide awake, lonely. I hate my fucking life. Everyone I know is happy about this situation but me. Yay here come the tears again. Goddamnit, whatever
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