Hi all, I hope everyone is well. I stopped visiting here when I "felt better". That was a mistake. Whatever part of me that wants to kill the whole me will always be there I think, and just because I am not feeling suicidal for a few weeks doesn't mean that thing has gone away. Also, it is incredibly selfish of me to post my woes here and then not stick around to be that shoulder for others. I used to avoid the word suicide when talking about myself, but not anymore. Is this something like alcoholism where even when you stop making attempts and stop constantly wanting to do it, you still can be considered "at risk"? My impulses are never spontaneous and I dread the thought of death (I love life so much, and my god do I ever want to actually LIVE), but quite often anymore it seems the only plausible solution. My nerves are shot and I am in an incredibly stressful situation, lacking any real meaningful positive contact with another adult. I am thinking I need to get my butt into therapy, but I have the thing in my head that says I would be better served by making good friends who are well grounded and who care. Both would be ideal, though really "good friendships" take years to develop and therapy is pretty much instant gratification in terms of having someone listen attentively to your problems. I am wanting to die and finally be at peace, but I know I can't do that. People rely on me, mainly my kids. I wonder sometimes if a dead dad is better than a dad who as a person is destroyed inside. I know the answer to that. I need an action plan and I know exactly what to do. Laziness. It seems like laziness is what keeps me in a situation that makes me want to kill myself and yet it is also the reason I do not. Maybe I'm just depressed.