I'm back

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SmolderingIce, Mar 20, 2014.

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  1. SmolderingIce

    SmolderingIce Well-Known Member

    I couldn't even tell you the last time I visited this forum. I haven't cut myself for about 2 years now, and I thought the suicidal thoughts would go away after I stopped self-harming. Unfortunately, they did not.

    I filled my life with tasks. College groups, extra classes, work, constant meetings, and so much more it makes my head spin thinking about it all. It worked, for a long time. I didn't think I was depressed anymore because I didn't have enough time to think at all. I kept moving. I kept doing things because I thought that was the only way to find purpose. I haven't found my purpose. In fact, I've filled my life with things that mean nothing to me. I dedicate most of my time to activities that don't matter to me.

    Then again, I don't really know what matters to me. I say that I want to do things that make me happy, but I couldn't tell you what those are. I'm going into a business field where most of the people are heartless or shallow. (At least where I live. This may not reflect on every business person.) But I don't want to join the corporate world. I never did. I just stuck with it because I didn't know what else I wanted to do. Now I'm in the upper level courses, doing things that I don't care about, and preparing myself for a world I don't want to be in. I feel this constant nagging at the back of my skull to just.. Stop. Stop moving, stop doing things, stop pretending like I'm going to find happiness in anything that I'm participating in.

    The suicidal thoughts have come back stronger than they have in a long time. They are so convincing..
  2. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    try taking classes in something else, like different spheres, till maybe you feel some purpose or connection to any of them?
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