I'm back and not alot is better, I'm taking 14 pills a day, I went to three diffrent insitutions and never had a one-on-one session with a therapist. Insurance refused to put me in RTC so I'm back. The solution nowadays I guess is to just throw drugs at the problem. I feel a weird combination of ok and numb, numb, numb like crazy. The meds got rid of my personalities talking all the time, the anxiety (not my social anxiety) but it's made my depersonalization worse and my discociative-ness worse. I feel totally disconected from myself now. It seems like the time I want help and try to get help everything is against me. I tried, I really did. Now I have to go back to school next week and I don't know if I can make it, I have a therapy session next Thursday, not sure how I'll cope till then. I'm not feeling suicidal, I'm numb, which means if I try anything I am 80% more likey to follow through. It's like a repeat of 2010, I got out and 6 weeks later attempted. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I'm on my own now not under threat of being locked up, I've been out for about 48 hours now, have already hurt myself. Not much is diffrent now than a month ago, I feel a little better and numb and I don't believe in a god anymore. I just need to make it until Christmas when I see my aunt and cousin, for the second time in my life. I just need to remeber my guinea pigs and bunny, how much I love them.