im back?

[Mika TH]

Good god its been a long, time I'm back from the dead. Not as if I made any friends here though, i just kinda floated around and vented. I completely forgot about this site and just came back across it. Its kinda dunny going back and rereading all my old posts. Not really wanting any response or reply here, almost just putting it out here as a record that I came back if only for a little while. As for guessing what sort of mental illnesses I have (still not gone to the doctors) I think i have borderline personality disorder, depression and some type of anxiety. Again, guess. Since last time i was here, ive done more research on mental health and I feel a lot more well informed. I'm right now feeling again like an empty void. I'm doing the things I like (I still have motivation? unusual) but not feeling anything as a result. I am actually doing pretty good at school as of right now. I honestly don't understand. I'm doing better than usual depression wise but I am seriously dying in the social department. With the anxiety as of late ive just been having a general feeling that something's wrong and my spine feel weird only when i feel like this. i don't even know. i need more sleep but i just can't, i cant get myself into bed i just watch myself staying up later and later and doing nothing about it, all calm and cool when inside i'm screaming. Actually, coem to think of it im doing the same thing with homework. I watch the deadlines come closer and closer and just wait until the night before to do it. However, this habit intensifies the feeling of joy of a weight being lifted off my shoulders when i get work done way before a deadline. im just not really doing much, im hanging out with people but i don't connect with them its just frustrating but also at the same time i dont care. i feel like that sums up a lot of my feelings towards thinngs right now, its frustrating but i don't care and cant motivate myself. These days im just apathetic to death. I would be happy to return and sink into it's embrace but also im just chugging along just surviving on this earth.

the only thing that has thrown me off, these past weeks was a note in my english book from my year 3 (when i was 8 yrs old) that really messed with me. he said that i was still good at english as i had been which was okay but then he said he missed me. he hadn't even talked to me he just thought i would be the same person as i was 3 years ago (and no im not 11, im talking about when i left that school) and ive changed so much, im so much worse as a person and i dont even care, im not as generous and kind or helpful and well meaning. im just not. not to mention that he always saw me as a force of good and happiness. ive failed emtionally too, im a wreck im a mess and im depressed and all the bloody bad things i could be. im not as rational and logical or witty. instead of progressing ive just gotten worse. i doubt i would be his star student any longer.

additionally, and randomly my body image has actually been okay for once, i actually am decently happy with my body and frankly its disconcerting. just putting it out there, body image is okay, however i am still having thoughts of self injury wanting to injure myself when mess things up and frequent " i don't deserve any of this" moments

i retract my statement earlier that i have motivation, i do not really have internal motivation i just know that there will be consequences if i do not do it and know how much easier it is to just do the work required of me. why exacerbate a problem, there is no need to. honestly im just at a very bland plain apathetic and dead-inside state

i am trying to organise things for the future to keep me going but im not sure if it will backfire like it has doe before; signing up to something in advance and then regreting the decision when the time comes. im just hoping that by doing lots of things can keep me distracted from the void inside. I mean im not even sure these days if i'm going to kill myself age 16 anymore, i honestly dont know, but it also feels wrong to go against the years of planning and looking forward to the event. who even knows, im even starting to talk like i will live to be an adult. maybe puberty will fix the f*cked up hormones in my broken head. know one knows what will become of me. me least of all

Subpar grammar because i have spent a lot of time writing and correcting mistakes and frankly I'm sick of it.

 

[Walker]

Hi there and welcome back to the forum - for now
It sounds to me like you've grown a lot since you've been gone, which is only a year. If you've matured so much in only a year then think about what another year will bring. And another one after that.
It's good to see you again. I actually remember your user name, though I didn't recall any of your story.
I hope that you keep continuing to move along the path in school and socially to a place you are more comfortable with. You really deserve all the best in life. Being your age just isn't the greatest thing, you know? No one thinks that. You can get better though, with professional help and without. Best of luck to you. Come back again soon ok?