I'm back

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Hache, Oct 19, 2009.

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  1. Hache

    Hache Well-Known Member

    I did again tonight, I will no doubt regret it when I see the marks and cant wear t-shirts

    Tonight was the 2 year anniversary since I first did it. It is also the first time since April.

    The 2nd time I did it tonight flatmates were outside my door, one of them even opened the door and said something, good job the lights were out and all they could see was the back of me

    My arm stings a bit, a feeling I have forgotten.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry you felt you had to do this It is a slip up nothing more. I hope you can call crisis just for some support to talk about why you felt you need to do this. Glad you could talk abt it here please reach out some more.
  3. Hache

    Hache Well-Known Member

    I've never been able to "talk" about my feelings, even when there is nothing wrong, I can type because I do not feel so on the spot
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    then please just type them out all your feeling so you can get them out of your head. type them out your feelings so others can help you and you can look back at the feelings and try to make sense of them Please just type out what ever your feeling anger pain sadness anything as it does help.
  5. Hache

    Hache Well-Known Member

    I dont know what to say anymore. It's just been too long eating me, it is like I am now addicted to depression, suicidle thoughts and over reacting to minor triggering topics. I am now weak, broken. If I could take what I know now and go back 2 years to the time I self harmed for the first time, or to go back 4 years to the beginning of depression I could save myself, but now, it is too deep, deep under my skin, deep in my brain.

    I am lonely, I have lost any love for life, I do not have dreams, hopes, aspirations, I use to, even when even more alone. I have friends now, but even when I didnt I had dreams. Now I do not know. Moving away to uni and not being cured of depression has made me give in on all dreams.

    The good job, loving wife, beautiful appartment, those dreams are gone. I cant even get a girlfirned or friends at university, that is lame, how can I expect anything anywhere else in this world.

    Where do I belong? I do not know.

    I am almost 22 and have FAILED to make the transition into adulthood. That is as good as a fact. I have not had a single relationship and I am not close to friends, I do not know what my interests are. I have failed to make it into a man. I am not saying it wont happen but because it hasn't I am here, trapped.

    Everyone will say simple things, join a club, join a society at your university, force your friends to go out with you, online dating whatever. This is all well and good for someone in a motivated stronger mental state.

    I took the giant leap to go to university. I expected that would bring about the right opportunities and situations to give me what I needed to make the transition. But it hasn't, I have not had a normal time at university in terms of friends and relationships.

    I am sick of TV. I am sick of spending my days alone. I am sick of going to bed alone. I am sick of being the odd one out in the appartment because I dont have a close friend here but the others do.

    I am generally sick of depression, sick of the thoughts, the anxiety, what comes on, sick of addiction cravings, particularly food right now. I am sick of this shit. Their are billions who are worse off than me, who have had harder upbringings, harder lives. But my life has made me mentally weak, I am a victim of western media, western cotton wool wrapped generation and western social demands.

    I cannot cure my lonliness in my current life position, I need to be wanted, I need to be loved. What I have is better than going back to my old life or home life, but it still isn't hitting the target. I need to get a life, to get out, to meet people, to have romance inorder to fall in love with life.

    I have lost passion, I seem to just be floating by, scraping through, same old same old.
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