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I'm back...

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Well. Shit, I'm back, its been a long 2 years but I'm back. I used to run around here back in the day...

I don't know where else to go. Seeing this site... it infuriates me, because all I can remember is the pain, all I see are the kids desperately trying to screech out for help, it's pathetic, and it's worse because I've been there, I've felt that.

But here I am, (it's 2am, I haven't been sleeping right for weeks, last night I didn't go to bed until 7am and even though I got 4 maybe 5 hours) questioning my life, I'm not in danger of commiting suicide now, why bother? I'm gonna die eventually, my lifes fucked up, I have people depending on me, why let everyone down? I'm riding this through.

But I need to vent, I'm sorry if what I say offends anyone, but I really can't care less anymore, I my life was problem after problem after problem. I was a good boy, I was the best in school, I never had a fight, I never fell in love, I never upset anyone, I never broke the rules. I ended up slicing my arms to pieces, I'm scarred, forever, and even if my next tattoo can cover these, I'll see them. I'll know they're there.

So I changed, I started drinking, I started breaking the rules, I stopped caring, I didn't turn up to school, when the truancy letters came I didn't get out of bed, I drove my mother to the state of breakdown, I stopped caring at all. I started drinking, I started taking pot.

So.. Eventually I saw what I was doing, and for my mother's sake I became a good boy again, but I'll never be the same. I demand respect now.. I don't let people insult me, I don't care if people get hurt, I put my own feelings first. This could be bad, but 14-15 years of doing the opposite got me where I am now. So again, I'm sorry.

But hell, that was in the past, why am I here now? I don't know.. I'm questioning this as I write it. I still smoke pot, but only very small amounts when I'm at parties.. or can't sleep, and I drink as a normal student would, I don't have a job, but I have friends, I'm going to a festival in a week or so, I'm going to college, I'm gonna be an architect someday.

My head is fucked up. Really, I crave a release, which is why pot is so attractive to me, even though everytime I smoke it I remember a little more of memories long gone, not all of them are nice, I get paranoid, all my problems get worse, but the feeling of freedom, the feeling that it's all ok as long as you're watching it from the outside... It's bliss.

I'm anorexic, or at least I think I am, and my doctor thinks I am, but I haven't talked to him about it in 2 years, I went about insomnia and I came out labelled as a depressed anorexic, I got angry at that. But it was true, and I was blind to it.

I've got gender dysphoria. And I've known it was dysphoria since I was 12, I can remember feeling .. confused about my gender as early as 4. 4 for fucks sake! 13 Years of pain and confusion, and only 5 years of knowing why. I'm helpless, I'm torn, I could change and never be accepted, I'll just look like those stupid fucks on Jerry Springer, men in tight dresses and 80 kinds of surgery/therapies going on. But I know I won't live it out as a guy, nobody does, you can see all these old men and gay men who break apart in their 50s and try to change, I don't want to be that, I don't want to be a man, I don't want to be a fake woman, I don't want to be an aged embarassment.

I still don't know why I'm typing this, I'm more scared and pissed off than depressed, I hardly feel depression anymore. It's a numb feeling I can quickly supress. Supressed like that depressed year I can hardly remember. But I know my life is gonna fuck up if I
A; Leave it
B; Live as a guy
C; Live as a girl

In short, I don't know what to do, but I'm considering getting some therapy to cope with anorexia* and life as a guy, because transitioning will be a short lived high, I know it,. Thanks for listening.

By the way, I don't like the idea of therapy or meds. I will never take meds, even though I'll gladly take illegal mind bending drugs, theres something different about little white pills that change who you are. And I don't like Psyches. Not a bit. Nosirree.

*(I'm not too sure about this.. but heres how it goes. I'm 6ft 1 and I weigh 103 pounds. I can't eat in public without getting paranoid or buying someone else something. I can't go food shopping. I sometimes miss meals because I feel I'm too busy or don't need them. If I eat walking down the street I do it incospiciously [sp?] so people in their cars don't think I'm greedy or something. What do you think?)

Hi Robin if you're still here. And Mal, and Lauren. And Becca if you ever came back. I've kinda missed y'all, you helped me through some very hard times.


The biggest loser ever to live.
So you had a previous account here? Why did you start a new one?

I just can't see how its "normal" for a college student to drink, its almost like if you don't drink in college, you're a freak or something, meh, I'm a freak myself, different from everyone else around me.
I'm trying to maintain anonymity, I had a friend (an acquintance mainly) find out I came here.

But theres enough there for people to recognise me, and hell ya its normal for a student to drink, money goes straight to getting blitzed with mates.

I don't know what I wanted to accomplish by posting this, I feel a lot better now thats its like 3pm. Eh.
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