I'm back

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mangopowerade, Dec 21, 2010.

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  1. mangopowerade

    mangopowerade Member

    I thought I had these feelings licked, but they're back, stronger than ever.

    It's just hard to put into words how much I hate myself.

    I recently had a date with a guy who said he would call me later that night so we could hang out. Naturally, that never happened. This wouldn't be so bad, but this is the third time - consecutively - that this has happened. It seems like no matter what I do or how hard I try, hanging out with me once is enough to send somebody packing. I'll never know what it was or why, though, since I'm essentially persona non grata. I sometimes wish I could look like a model, so people would have a reason to care about me. It seems like that's the only way these days. But I don't.

    I try to tell myself that it doesn't matter if I'm alone - at least I'm making a strong career for myself. I wish I could convince myself of that, but there's no way I'm smart enough to even survive on my own, let alone make any sort of success.

    So if I don't have any of it - looks, brains, or personality - what the hell am I doing still sticking around? My grandmother, who was closer to me than a mother, recently passed away and left a bottle of morphine pills. You have no idea how tempting it's been to just down the entire thing at once.

    I realize this message probably came across as a bit whingey, but I needed to get all that off my chest. :)
  2. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    Beauty comes from within, and we all have it if we choose to look. If an attraction is based on looks it will never last.
    You speak of a strong career and you certainly have brains, you write very clearly.
    I stand alone but i am not lonely, i have myself and have started to find contentment with that. Have you seen a doctor or talked to anyone about this?
    Please stay with us, post a little, maybe listen too.
    Many here share your pain, sometimes the very answers to our problems are right here, but its seeing them and showing intention thats so hard.
    I wish you well.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 21, 2010
  3. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Are you still grieving for your grandmother?
    This may be making you feel more negative than you would normally. Or you may be in a depression.
    What's your background? Have you ever been diagnosed with depression? Given meds?
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi glad you came here to talk Im sorry people treating you so poorly they are not worth your time then. Just sending you some hugs okay in hope it help you know i care .:hugtackles::hugtackles:
  5. Unfortunately this world is far too focused on looks and exterior beauty and it leaves all the normal people (note my use of the word NORMAL!!) people feeling like cr*p because they can't measure up to the select few who fit in the category of 'beautiful thus worthy'.
    But the rest of us - the normal ones - are the ones that actually run the world! Now I know that sounds like an exaggeration but it's true - we are the ones that can find the true beauty in others, and it is this beauty that counts. And someone will come and find yours, even if it doesn't seem like it right now. You say you were close to your grandmother - I bet she'd tell you that there are plenty of reasons to like and love you if she could. Do you have anyone to talk to about her death? Any bereavement counselling or GP support?

    I hope you're okay xxx
  6. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hey, don't feel too bad. Most people (including me) do not look like supermodels. We're all just normal people trying to survive in this mundane world. Personality is what matters and it's what's inside that really counts. If you have a good heart, then that's what matters. Please don't take that bottle of morphine pills. :hug:
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