I thought I had these feelings licked, but they're back, stronger than ever. It's just hard to put into words how much I hate myself. I recently had a date with a guy who said he would call me later that night so we could hang out. Naturally, that never happened. This wouldn't be so bad, but this is the third time - consecutively - that this has happened. It seems like no matter what I do or how hard I try, hanging out with me once is enough to send somebody packing. I'll never know what it was or why, though, since I'm essentially persona non grata. I sometimes wish I could look like a model, so people would have a reason to care about me. It seems like that's the only way these days. But I don't. I try to tell myself that it doesn't matter if I'm alone - at least I'm making a strong career for myself. I wish I could convince myself of that, but there's no way I'm smart enough to even survive on my own, let alone make any sort of success. So if I don't have any of it - looks, brains, or personality - what the hell am I doing still sticking around? My grandmother, who was closer to me than a mother, recently passed away and left a bottle of morphine pills. You have no idea how tempting it's been to just down the entire thing at once. I realize this message probably came across as a bit whingey, but I needed to get all that off my chest.