i started sh again today. i know i'm not supposed to and i could lose my doc for this and he's the only friend i have in true life. but i got lost in the pain. i had pneumonia and my spouse didn't care. he doesn't care if i live or die. i want to die. nobody would notice. it would be good. a relief. the best relief. the only reason i stay is goblin, my pug, and trilly, my cat. that's it. why doesn't it ever stop hurting? and why does blood seem so satisfying? why does god hate me so much? i must be the very worst of people. there is not other explanation.