I'm bad for people :-/

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by wonderer, Mar 23, 2010.

  1. wonderer

    wonderer Well-Known Member

    I get this way from time to time...

    I feel like I'm bad for people, and I make everyone around me miserable. I've been in a couple abusive relationships, and while I know it wasn't my fault I was treated that way - even though on some level I realize that the problems were not all my fault, as I was led to believe - I still end up feeling like my presence makes everyone miserable.

    This time its a relationship thing... My ex got suicidal, and started screwing with me as he went downhill. Couldn't do anything right, everything I tried to do was obviously just me trying to make him more miserable, according to him. I eventually broke up with him because I couldn't take it anymore, and dealt with the guilt and the fear that he'd actually hurt himself after I was gone. He didn't. He just told me I was total crap, and it was my fault his life was miserable and he felt the way he did. And that nobody would ever want me again, because I was such crap. I didn't even yell at him, I let him say his piece and left.

    Now I've got a new bf, and I'm dealing with the problem of telling my friends. I'm afraid for all three of us, me, my bf, and my ex, for when my ex finds out, because he's so unpredictable and such a mess. And he will find out sooner or later - we've got too many mutual friends for it to stay a secret. I feel like whatever happens will be because of me... And I feel bad telling my friends since my last relationship was such a mess. They had to deal with all the awkwardness and uncomforableness last time, and when things go downhill with this relationship, I will have done the same thing to them again.

    Part of me doesn't really believe this is how things are, or that its my fault, but its just being crushed by all the guilt... I don't want anyone to get hurt, but its gonna happen. Its gonna happen because I'm around, and wouldn't happen if I weren't in the picture. And I'm powerless to stop it.

    And then my mind hits a downhill spiral, and concludes I'm bad for people. Therefore the right thing to do is to stay away from them. But life isn't worth living to me without connections to others. So what am I doing here? I'm not that bad yet, but this is where this train of thought tends to lead me :/

    On the bright side... I really do have a great group of friends. I've got people who look out for me. And I've got that little voice in the back of my head that reminds me that other people's actions aren't really my fault. I'm just having a rough time with this.
  2. ASolitaryBlue

    ASolitaryBlue Well-Known Member

    I know what this feels like, at least in my own situation. We feel like we cant stop ourselves from hurting the people around us and that they'd be better off without us. I haven't found a way to combat those thoughts, but just know you're not the only one :console:
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am glad you got a great group of friends and people to look out for you as this will help you to keep fighting. Our distorted thoughts are what get us in trouble it is nice to have friends to keep us in check.