I'm being tormented by...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by JD11, Jun 17, 2015.

  1. JD11

    JD11 New Member

    Let me try to get this down as accurately as possible without coming across as completely insane as I feel on the inside. I'm being tormented by my childhood self - I can't physically see him outside of dreams, I don't hear him, but he's always fucking present. He's bitter, he's mad at the world and he influences me to do for him what I (we) should have done when we were the same person. I tried to shut the little fuck up with weed but it didn't work, it just made my intrusive thoughts worse. I tried to drink myself away from him and that only made me want to agree with him. He doesn't want to hurt anybody, he just wants to scream at the ones who hurt him until he can't scream anymore and then keep on screaming until he's lost his voice. He wants me to die because he wants to die, and I want to die because I want the little shit to disappear from my consciousness. So he's slowly killing me, and ripping me apart alive from the inside out until I've gradually, by my own accord, removed from my life all good and happiness until I, like him, am just a fucking empty, useless, bitter, resentful, spiteful shell of a person. He's keeping me prisoner inside myself and I'm honestly starting to lose track of the line between reality and make-believe. There is me - my life, my personality, my needs and desires, and there is him. All he has is anger for the world and people he wants to hurt so they can feel how he did. There's me, and then there's the darkest part of me, and I can't for the life of me get him to grow the fuck up.

    There's my rant. Please don't think I'm crazy.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Have you had therapy it helps i do understand what youare saying i truly do You are in control now you are the adult ok
    back then you did not have the means to protect yourself so of course the anger sits inside you. Get some therapy to help the younger you to release that pain and anger and sadness in a safe way so you can move forward and not be dragged back into a pain past
  3. Dumas

    Dumas Well-Known Member

    I don't think you are crazy. I battle and fight and deal with the childhood self in me also. There was so much hurt and pain and anger . It comes out now in different ways.
    I hope you can get some relief from all this . Peace to you.
  4. Shash

    Shash New Member

    Hi JD11:
    I don't believe you are crazy at all. You're obviously, and understandably, in tremendous pain. It's as though you're going through childhood horrors over and over again, which cause you to feel a real split between your adult self and your child self. I can totally relate. It's a rough road, to be sure. Must sign off right now, but will write again as soon as I'm able. Please take care of yourself. Best, Shash (newbie)