I'm breaking... *trigger*

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by wonderer, Dec 28, 2007.

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  1. wonderer

    wonderer Well-Known Member

    I'm getting really close to a point where I'm not going to be able to go on anymore. My best friend says I'm emotionally abusive and is probably never going to speak to me again because of that. If I'm doing that, I have no right to live. I'd rather be dead than have any question in my mind about that. I don't want to hurt anyone - I'm not worth it.
    And to make the matter more complicated, I lived with her and her family over the summer. That leaves me with a debt to them that I'm never going to be able to repay. I owe her and her dad bigtime, and to me owing someone something like that is like not having my own freedom.
    My mom would rather spend time with her boyfriend than with me and my brother. I'm home on break and I hardly see her. We didn't celebrate xmas because well... the tree went up today cuz my brother did it. Because she didn't get it up. I feel like thats my fault too. We didn't get the tree 'til xmas eve cuz we were gonna go a few days earlier, but I was really depressed and the place closed before we got there cuz I was slow. I'm ruining everything. Everyone would be happier without me. The nicest thing I can do for anyone is stay far far away.
    I hate myself for being depressed. I can't even take care of my brother right now. There have been several days when I've been too out of it to even speak.
    I'm a waste of life. I'm totally alone, and I'm always going to have to be that way. Its not fair for me to get close too people, I just end up hurting them. And no matter what I try, I haven't been able to fix myself. I think I'm beyond repair. I'm a bad person, I was a mistake. I want to get out where no one will find me and take a knife and stick it through my arm, and slit my throat or some other major artery and bleed. Thats what I deserve.
    I am so incredibly clear in my thoughts right now, just calm and calculating. I deserve to die, thats the right thing for me to do.
  2. Melancholy

    Melancholy Well-Known Member


    I don't know what to say to help, because I often feel the same way. Don't feel like you owe anyone anything. You are who you are, good points and bad, I've seen your posts around SF and it seems to me as if you have a lot to offer. I'm sorry that your friend can't see that.

    Take care, thinking of you,
  3. ward

    ward Member

    I can assure you that you don't deserve to die
    judging from this post alone I can see that you are not a bad person

    you deserve to live a happy life, even if it's been really hard on you lately. Don't think it's too late to make something out of this.
    Start with yourself, not by changing yourself because you are indeed what you are just like lauren said. But try to make it feel better. I'm assuring you that you are NOT a waste of life and you should asure yourself of that.

    don't be hard on yourself.
  4. Nocturnal Ponderer

    Nocturnal Ponderer Well-Known Member

    You lived with them over summer. This does not mean you owe them. If the only reason they had you living with them was to somehow invest in you, then that is the wrong reason on their behalf. Where has the true spirit of giving without expectation of a return gone? In my opinion it is what makes a true human being. If they happen to throw that at you, be rest assured that they are only thinking of themselves.

    Sure you can show gratitiude and I suspect you already have, but any feelings of guilt you may have are entirely fabricated by you. There may well be no debt. They may well have had you staying with them with absolutely no thought of you being indebted to them.

    Another thing, have you actually sat your mother down, looked at her very seriously and told her of your suicidal thoughts? Have you made it abundantly clear that you really do consider suicide as a likely option and that you suffer from low self esteem? Have you told her the exact effect she has over you by spending time with her boyfriend? Have you considered that maybe others are failing you, and that you are not failing them?

    Why? What makes you so unworthy? We all have a right to live. If you live on the streets and eat out of bins, you have a right to live. If you have stolen something, you have a right to live. If you have done something wrong, you have a right to live. If you fail exams, you have a right to live. If you live, you have a right to live.

    It was up to your mother. Her selfish actions and blatant disregard for her blood family (for example you and your brother) were the reason the tree didn't go up. She sounds like she has some serious issues too.

    Why? Are you not allowed to feel negative emotions that result from a negative situation? If you were in a positive situation and you had positive emotions you wouldn't question them would you? No, because they feel good. But part of life is to experience the bad too. Imagine there was no such thing as negative feelings. You would not have anything to measure the positive against and so therefore it would waiver positive feelings.

    Maybe this chapter in your life is necessary for you. I'm not sure how old you are but I am guessing somewhere around the late teen mark. If I am correct then I will tell you a bit about me when I was 17. I used to have all sorts of negative emotions when I was that age. From 14 onwards. (I'm 28 now).

    Get this, once, when I was 17, I was in McDonalds. A man jumped the queue and it angered me to such a point I had a mental image of sticking a knife in him as a punishment. I bet you're laughing now. I am too. It seems ludicrous and extremely far fetched to consider such an extreme action for what was essentially a trivial act on his behalf.

    But, for me, it was no joke. I couldn't believe I had had such a violent thought and I convinced myself I was a serial killer. A psychopath. A cold blooded psychopath. For months I spiralled into the darkest place I had ever been. I couldn't talk to anybody. I saw everybody else being happy, expressing love, but here I was, a killer in the making :rolleyes:

    I had counselling over it. But it was no good. Anyway, after about six months I just came out of it and accepted, after talking to a few people, that it was ok. Today, eleven years on, I drive for a living. Sometimes somebody will cut me up on the road and I have images of them spinning off the road and turning over. And I laugh at such a drastic fantasy. But now I know why. It is because in my own head I can have justice. I can win. Thats all it is, a violent image to compensate for the 'injustice' shown to me so I canget some peace. Of course I'dnever hurt anybody, but I type this as an illustration to show you that everything is just a concept, just an image, just in our heads. Cause and effect. Thats all. Your effect has a cause. Maybe a good therapist can discover the cause. (Which I believe to stem from your cold mother, but that is just my opinion, so don't take that as a truth, its just my opinion)

    Read what I just wrote, for months I couldn't speak. I was inside myself, but it is ok. Thats just the status quo. Place little meaning on it. It just is, for now.

    One of the strongest human instincts is the instinct to be right. It i possibly the strongest. Look at wars, ideoligies and arguments over religion and politics. Arguments in bars etc.
    Now, we all have a core message about ourselves. The above quote is your core message you hold about yourself. It was there in your post and I saw it.
    You are going to want to be right, so you will think and behave in a manner which deems your core message to be true. Then, as you confirm it to yourself you are 'right', you are satisfied you have confirmation. Just being armed with this psychological insight in the first step to overcoming things.

    You need to get that core message changed. It is difficult but it starts with positive thought.
    Next time you have a negative thought about yourself, just for once try replacing it with a positive one. So, a thought like "('m worth nothing", just swap it for "I am worth something". Which of course, you are.

    That is a very simple example but please note that every single negative thought has a positive to counterbalance it. Find the positive and start to believe them. In time you will retrain your brain to think differntly. With time, age and practice you will build self esteem.
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