I'm broken

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by BBM77, Apr 26, 2015.

  1. BBM77

    BBM77 Active Member

    I couldn't collect my thoughts properly in what issue I wanted to go on about since I have so many, so, I think to prevent the idea of having multiple threads by me. I'll keep it all here. Due apologies if one has difficulty following.


    I'm under the firm belief that I was born into this world without a sense of drive for...anything.

    I thought I had a clue, but it turns out, what it ended up being is just going with the flow. My goal now is to live to be in ultimate contentedness. Appreciate what's given to you, appreciate who's with you, be fine with what you can get and work out the worst of situations. But now and then, I feel like so helpless and worthless to myself. I don't like me and I'm not proud of what I have accomplished when I could do so much better for those around me. I've sat for days and days with little motivation and movement unless it was doing favors for people and/or doing chores what have you. The world was passing by me every single day, I reminisce a lot about the past and how much I've screwed up and realize where some of the things have gotten me to where they were. I thought I had an idea of what I wanted to do with myself, but it's apparent that I don't. Everything I've learned in high school...vanished. I wanted to be a Network Administrator for IT, it was my only sense of the goal. But all of my networking knowledge is gone, I don't have an ounce of it and I've wasted so many years where I could have been learning it all back, but I decided not to. I felt like I wanted to develop what life I could have for myself.

    Then there's the mental issues I'm slowly discovering that I think I have. I think I may have short-term memory loss, because, I can't for the life of me remember crystal clear of what happened recently or recall things as quickly as I should. It could be early stages of alzheimer's or something. I have trouble with words, I feel as if I could explain things so much better but I'm resorted to using so many small words. I can't remember the big ones or ones that would help describe anything I could or know what they mean at a whim. I find myself repeating the words I've already used over and over. I'm finding myself at a loss most of the time of how to describe things that would fit a situation or someone. This leads me into people thinking I mean what I say when I don't and getting into so many conflicts when I'm misinterpreted. More times than not, I also find myself entangled with what I'm trying to describe and just feeling like breaking down because I've failed to grasp what I'm trying to describe. I can't even use certain words properly to fit what I'm talking about, feeling like as if I don't know what they mean.

    I feel like as if I've gotten some schizophrenia symptoms from my father and definitely some undiagnosed split-personality disorder issues. I feel like I'm a boring person with no true identity. So, to make up for what lack of an identity I feel I have, I adopt personality traits. I adopt from other people, I adopt from characters from movies, games or books. Whatever I can get ahold of to piece together this jigsaw puzzle of a personality I have. Unfortunately, I have a hard time upholding even those traits because I feel if it's not getting over with people, I try dropping it. I create imaginary people in my mind, to make it seem like I have a more interesting life than what I feel I already have. A lot of people around me have more interesting personalities and more interesting people than little ol' boring me. When I was younger, I used to talk to a couple friends about some of those made up people existing and I have this clique with them that's cool and all. I've stopped that though and they knew about it being fake. But that didn't mean that it stopped entirely in my mind.

    Speaking of friends. I'm not very good at holding them as much as I could. They've done a lot for me and I feel like I've returned so little for them. I've thought of ways to return the favors, but nothing works right for me because I'm so heavily inflicted by own problems. It's not that I don't care for them and what we've done over the years. It's just I feel like I'm an ungrateful take things for granted prick who tries to not mean that, but end up doing so in the end. Simply because I feel like an incapable and inept uncertain of a friend or rather a human being who's not certain with the life around him.

    Do I even know what I'm doing anymore? Do I even know myself? Do I know anything about anyone around me? Do I even truly care?

    These are questions I'm always at a loss to answer with myself. I can't "just" or "be" anything. I feel things take time and I'm wasting it all as if I've already wasted time. I have no forms of guidance, I'm always relying on others but at the same time, feeling like such a burden. I want to be this very reliable, very caring and very independent kind of person. But the moment I think deeply into that, I start cowering and losing morale with myself. I've let myself go in more bad ways than good. I'm jerking people's chains and I'm very indecisive on whether or not I want them a part of my life. I don't know how much credibility I have with anyone and I don't want to overpile them with a hundred questions in fear that I'm interrogating their loyalty. I think a lot of the past and how things could have been different if only I've done something differently than how things happened.

    So, instead of remedying so many issues, I find myself running. I'm running through time and burning through what life I have left in this world of uncertainty I live in. I don't know what I want, who I want and how I want it. I just know how to run through time because I felt like I'm so intimidated by life itself and how I should run my own. I was raised poorly, my parents spend too much time bitching and bickering at each other to care about raising their children when I was growing up with my sister. My sister has found herself in just as much as troublesome issues as I do, but in different forms and with unfortunate run ins with drugs, alcohol and problems with the law. Though, I remain clean but I've had my own problems with my life. I've allowed my health to decay and run amok. I'm fat, I feel unattractive body-wise, I have bad teeth that are all about to be rotted away in due time because my parents were too poor to afford this one tooth to be removed in my mouth. So, over the years it has managed to screw up other teeth and I've been discouraged from brushing for a few years and now I'm in a mess with them. I've been bullied a lot both in person and online.

    I've been an asshole to people who didn't deserve it when the person who I should have been an asshole too, have a "kick out" policy where I'm living. I feel like I haven't matured a bit, despite having jobs and taking a form of responsibility over myself with my life. I don't feel like I'm anybody's best friend, despite trying my best to be there for them while feeling like an ungrateful prick in the process.

    I just feel like I was born in a world, with not an ounce of clarity in my path of life. How I've gotten myself to 25 and surprised I'm still kicking to this day, amazes me despite the trials. I'm so broken and I don't know what to do with myself half the time.
  2. Dewonderland

    Dewonderland Well-Known Member

    Hey Nycifer!

    First of all,I think it is important to go see a doctor and check what's happening to you.
    Though it might be nothing, depression tend to affect memory also. It mess up with your brain more than what we thought.
    But don't let a doctor tell you that. Go through proper test so you know exactly what it is and probably, for most (all) of it they will be able to tell you, you have nothing.
    Don't look to depressed when you go there or they'll tell you you're imagining things ... and you might. But that doesn't mean you don't have the right to do a check up.
    Well so ... first you should definitely do this.

    Then, I am sorry to say that, to my point of view you have everything you need.
    So be happy and go on ! ^o^/

    ... okay I developp this a bit ^_-
    I mean you're someone super carrying for others. Seeing people around you,, loving them, trying to be there for them. We can't always be the top number one super hero. That doesn't mean they can't feel your love and that doesn't them a lot of good. So go on being that nice personn. I can't help about the IT career. If you really feel this is what you want/have to do ... try again. Don't look back in the past or it'll prevent you to go further.

    Yeah you might have "waste" some times but then if you keep sitting here looking back you are just wasting some more. That's what I learned from my own mistakes. When the door isn't open, try the window ... and if the window is locked, clim through the cheminee. Don't stay sitting in front of the door ! ^_-
    They're might be some free career concelor in your city. You can start with volunteering (because sometimes concelor only think about highway road when you can also take smaller side way roads) so don't give up !
    And you might not find what you think was for you but you'll definitely find what WAS indeed for you. Because you HAVe all you need. An open heart and open spirit which will help you to see what you got when it'll be next to you !

    You are someone great ! Don't let regret destroy you. Each day is a new chance ! breath and hold on ! You deserve being Happy !
  3. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I see a lot of self diagnosis for a large variety of physical and mental health issues in your post My one advice for you would be to allow some qualified professionals give an examination on both physical and psychological sides and then perhaps with real answers to some of your questions instead of your guesses, you might be able to get an idea of a path and direction to go in to get better.
  4. BBM77

    BBM77 Active Member

    The problem with finding professionals is that A) Money and B) I tend to not trust those who I know is getting paid to hear my problems out. I'll feel like they don't care because, it's their job to listen to people. That's all I feel anyways with any counselor or therapist. I've had counseling in middle school and I kept wasting his time. Why? Because I know for a fact he isn't really that concerned with my problems and he labeled me "emotionally immature" according to sealed records I had to get from another supervisory building. To him, I was just another client so I felt he was unworthy of hearing my problems out.

    Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying your advice is completely worthless. It's just, I can't trust professionals. But yes, you're right that I'm rather capable of self-diagnosing, but the result is always the same. That is, being uncertain and wildly assuming and guessing. Which is what frustrates the hell out of me, is that I've got no guidance and no mental compass like I see in everyone else. I feel I've came without one and it's really really stressful!

    Maybe it is because of this that I feel this way, that I cannot truly embrace and enjoy life like I could. So, I feel my answer is to run through time feeling like as if I've been born without so much of a soul or heart.