I couldn't collect my thoughts properly in what issue I wanted to go on about since I have so many, so, I think to prevent the idea of having multiple threads by me. I'll keep it all here. Due apologies if one has difficulty following. So... I'm under the firm belief that I was born into this world without a sense of drive for...anything. I thought I had a clue, but it turns out, what it ended up being is just going with the flow. My goal now is to live to be in ultimate contentedness. Appreciate what's given to you, appreciate who's with you, be fine with what you can get and work out the worst of situations. But now and then, I feel like so helpless and worthless to myself. I don't like me and I'm not proud of what I have accomplished when I could do so much better for those around me. I've sat for days and days with little motivation and movement unless it was doing favors for people and/or doing chores what have you. The world was passing by me every single day, I reminisce a lot about the past and how much I've screwed up and realize where some of the things have gotten me to where they were. I thought I had an idea of what I wanted to do with myself, but it's apparent that I don't. Everything I've learned in high school...vanished. I wanted to be a Network Administrator for IT, it was my only sense of the goal. But all of my networking knowledge is gone, I don't have an ounce of it and I've wasted so many years where I could have been learning it all back, but I decided not to. I felt like I wanted to develop what life I could have for myself. Then there's the mental issues I'm slowly discovering that I think I have. I think I may have short-term memory loss, because, I can't for the life of me remember crystal clear of what happened recently or recall things as quickly as I should. It could be early stages of alzheimer's or something. I have trouble with words, I feel as if I could explain things so much better but I'm resorted to using so many small words. I can't remember the big ones or ones that would help describe anything I could or know what they mean at a whim. I find myself repeating the words I've already used over and over. I'm finding myself at a loss most of the time of how to describe things that would fit a situation or someone. This leads me into people thinking I mean what I say when I don't and getting into so many conflicts when I'm misinterpreted. More times than not, I also find myself entangled with what I'm trying to describe and just feeling like breaking down because I've failed to grasp what I'm trying to describe. I can't even use certain words properly to fit what I'm talking about, feeling like as if I don't know what they mean. I feel like as if I've gotten some schizophrenia symptoms from my father and definitely some undiagnosed split-personality disorder issues. I feel like I'm a boring person with no true identity. So, to make up for what lack of an identity I feel I have, I adopt personality traits. I adopt from other people, I adopt from characters from movies, games or books. Whatever I can get ahold of to piece together this jigsaw puzzle of a personality I have. Unfortunately, I have a hard time upholding even those traits because I feel if it's not getting over with people, I try dropping it. I create imaginary people in my mind, to make it seem like I have a more interesting life than what I feel I already have. A lot of people around me have more interesting personalities and more interesting people than little ol' boring me. When I was younger, I used to talk to a couple friends about some of those made up people existing and I have this clique with them that's cool and all. I've stopped that though and they knew about it being fake. But that didn't mean that it stopped entirely in my mind. Speaking of friends. I'm not very good at holding them as much as I could. They've done a lot for me and I feel like I've returned so little for them. I've thought of ways to return the favors, but nothing works right for me because I'm so heavily inflicted by own problems. It's not that I don't care for them and what we've done over the years. It's just I feel like I'm an ungrateful take things for granted prick who tries to not mean that, but end up doing so in the end. Simply because I feel like an incapable and inept uncertain of a friend or rather a human being who's not certain with the life around him. Do I even know what I'm doing anymore? Do I even know myself? Do I know anything about anyone around me? Do I even truly care? These are questions I'm always at a loss to answer with myself. I can't "just" or "be" anything. I feel things take time and I'm wasting it all as if I've already wasted time. I have no forms of guidance, I'm always relying on others but at the same time, feeling like such a burden. I want to be this very reliable, very caring and very independent kind of person. But the moment I think deeply into that, I start cowering and losing morale with myself. I've let myself go in more bad ways than good. I'm jerking people's chains and I'm very indecisive on whether or not I want them a part of my life. I don't know how much credibility I have with anyone and I don't want to overpile them with a hundred questions in fear that I'm interrogating their loyalty. I think a lot of the past and how things could have been different if only I've done something differently than how things happened. So, instead of remedying so many issues, I find myself running. I'm running through time and burning through what life I have left in this world of uncertainty I live in. I don't know what I want, who I want and how I want it. I just know how to run through time because I felt like I'm so intimidated by life itself and how I should run my own. I was raised poorly, my parents spend too much time bitching and bickering at each other to care about raising their children when I was growing up with my sister. My sister has found herself in just as much as troublesome issues as I do, but in different forms and with unfortunate run ins with drugs, alcohol and problems with the law. Though, I remain clean but I've had my own problems with my life. I've allowed my health to decay and run amok. I'm fat, I feel unattractive body-wise, I have bad teeth that are all about to be rotted away in due time because my parents were too poor to afford this one tooth to be removed in my mouth. So, over the years it has managed to screw up other teeth and I've been discouraged from brushing for a few years and now I'm in a mess with them. I've been bullied a lot both in person and online. I've been an asshole to people who didn't deserve it when the person who I should have been an asshole too, have a "kick out" policy where I'm living. I feel like I haven't matured a bit, despite having jobs and taking a form of responsibility over myself with my life. I don't feel like I'm anybody's best friend, despite trying my best to be there for them while feeling like an ungrateful prick in the process. I just feel like I was born in a world, with not an ounce of clarity in my path of life. How I've gotten myself to 25 and surprised I'm still kicking to this day, amazes me despite the trials. I'm so broken and I don't know what to do with myself half the time.