I'm climbing up the walls

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by brainstorm, Jun 21, 2012.

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  1. brainstorm

    brainstorm Well-Known Member

    A few months ago, I've left my therapist where I was having the impression for a long time that we were no longer moving forward. I had discussed it with her and she didn't seems very worried, but I was. And I was not getting any answers or even acknowledgment to issues that are basically related to my sexual inexperience, fears of inadequacy, and small penis.

    So I've tried to branch out and reach out to a sex therapist working at a local university as part of community service, but since it's a community service, she's swamped and suggested I take group dramatization therapy to work on my "social anxieties" before jumping into sex therapy. Unfortunately, they also have a long backlog and I won't be starting there until Autumn.

    When I left my therapist of 10 years, I wasn't expecting to be left 6 months without support. It's been biting me very hard. Like I said to her, I'm not in therapy for the kick of it.

    Not only I've just had my 35th birthday, and looked back at what I hoped at my 30th birthday to have accomplished by now and found many things still not done (especially regarding relationships, where I'm still in the desert, and growth, where I'm still mostly a child), my old flame for one of my co-workers (and even worse, my subordinate) has rekindled.

    She's very pretty inside and outside, she's very mature, she likes to dance like me, I can talk to her as equals, we have a good relationship, we understand each other. We had a good friendship 5 years ago but at that time I tried to approach her and she backed off (nothing was said, I just took her hand and entered her personal space after we had been getting closer for a few months), but right afterwards things changed at the company and I ended up being her "boss". That's what she calls me, "boss". She knows I don't like it and would rather relinquish my responsibilities for her at work (in great part, because of the dampening effect in my approaches to her).

    Then she had a child with another man by accident, she did not even had a relationship with him and decided to keep the child (ticking biological clock is a bitch) and be a single mother, she's been doing a hell of a job with it and lately she started touching me more and confiding in me sometimes, but I believe she's just better now, the needs of her child have subsided somewhat and she's just more open now with everybody, including me. I do not believe she has singled me out very much - maybe just a bit because of our previous history.

    I'd like to tell her this, all the things that are swimming in my heart. That I burn for her like a flamethrower, that I'd like our lives to touch and be a part of each other (more), that I'd like to make my way in life besides her sometimes. That I'd like to make her happy, if she feels she would be happy with me. That I'm willing, even if afraid, of letting her into me. That I'd like to be her dealer of dopamine and oxytocin and all the other chemical drugs of love, as long as she pays me in kind. That I can always be counted for a pair of hands and a back massage. Etc.

    But man, this is such a small company and we have so little to do at the moment while the managers reorganize the ship, the roof might blow off if she did like me enough to start a relationship with me. Besides being bad form and all that.

    But damn, being 35 and never having been kissed, I can't help being on fire for her.

    Should I tell her and get rid of the anxiety and the hope, at least? I also like being her friend, of course, there's not a chance of me feeling desire for someone I can't be a friend to. I don't think our relationship would be damaged but it would certainly cool, even for my own protection.

    And I'm feeling bottled up and up the creek without a paddle.
  2. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Well, it sure sounds to me like you've got a lot going on there: the vast majority of which, I would consider positive.:) I can relate to you in the realm of feeling inexperienced with members of the opposite sex. Now, since you've got a pretty healthy history going with this wo-man, things might be different for you, and o.k. with her, insofar as telling her the truth: of which, I see two (not sure if that's how you see it?). First off--there is the confession of Love, or feelings of intimacy between the two of you. Secondly, would be the admittance--for lack of a better term--of limited past relationships. Maybe she already knows about one or both of those and more, or maybe you don't want to tell her about every thing right now. Either way, if you trust her, and she likes you, too...it couldn't hurt, unless she says, "no" & you both feel estranged from that point on. What I have found in my own personal history, is that when two or three friends who had begun to take an interest in adding the word girl to that title; was that once they'd found out about me, and my nothingness relationship history, it was off. As in: I don't have eight years to teach you how to be a/my boyfriend. Kind of an interesting, eye-opening, unique experience. Hopefully, things go better for you!
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