I'm close to breaking point...I don't see a future

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Overlife, Nov 29, 2013.

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  1. Overlife

    Overlife Member

    I have been suffering from mental disorders since I was 13, i had bulimia, OCD, body dysmorphic disorder & extremely low self esteem. When I was about 19years old it morphed into depersonalization & derealization disorder. I've been struggling with this for 7 years...I am 25 now and I don't have a job, I have no real friends, I can't enjoy life anymore, I can't feel love. I am stuck in a dissociative state and I've tried so many times to heal myself, believing that I was able to come back and finally get a life. I don't trust people, I always think people are watching me and judging me, I barely leave the house anymore, I've been abused by my father, rejected by people many of times in the past.

    I don't worry about the pain I'm going to leave my family behind, but I do worry about the pain I will leave my husband if I do it. The things is though, he really loves me but I do not think I am in love with him. And I feel guilty if I leave him behind and it's almost as tho I've just been using him. I feel like such a baby inside, like it missed every single one of the development stages a person must go through in life, like I don't have the right to exist. I can't even ask for what I need, I'm not connected to myself one little bit especially because of depersonalization disorder. My emotions are numb 24/7 and my surroundings look fake and 2D like. This dissociative disorder I feel is going to be stuck with me for life and I just can't see a future like this.

    What shall I do?? I really want to just die, I need to find a way to do it properly <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You need to find a good psychologist that deals with trauma and yes you can heal and the dissociating will lessen and you can have a life without pain
     
  3. Overlife

    Overlife Member

    I've already done all this work with psychologists etc it doesn't help me at all...my dissociation is chronic as in it never goes away it's not episodic.
     
  4. ballerina2

    ballerina2 New Member

    I know these feelings, too good.... Just that im on the point you were at age 13..... Thats exactly how i imagine my future, if i can even call it a future... I feel, i should really just leave this world.... If you could've done something differently at age13, what would you have done? Please answer me, it might just save both our lives.....
    ballerina
     
  5. Overlife

    Overlife Member

    Ballerina2

    How old are u? And if I could share my advice...never ever reject urself...that's the mistake I made and it ruined my whole entire life. Don't listen to nasty kids that tease u. I let a few comments affect my entire being, just because my legs were a bit muscular doesn't mean there was something wrong with my whole being...so u see it affected every aspect of my life...first I started purging and binging in private, I began withdrawing from friends, I stopped doing the things I loved and knew I was good at. What I regret most is not reaching my full potential and using my spiritual gifts. Instead I destroyed my own soul bit by bit until there was nothing left. If u need to speak more about this I would love to help u out.

    Xx
     
  6. ballerina2

    ballerina2 New Member

    Hi Overlife,
    Im 13...
    Thats very nice said.....
    Id really like to chat with you more, is that okay with you? I think it might really help me....
    Xxxx
     
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