I'm crying

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by xXWhateverItTakesXx, Apr 5, 2014.

  1. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    Love is the best and the worst. It's the happiest and the saddest. You find the perfect person in life. Someone you share all your secrets, hopes, dreams and memories with. You laugh, you cry, you fight, you make up, you love. You do this for years and you fall so far in love nothing in this universe could break you apart. That's when it's the worst. You live for each other until you can't. Death is certain; it's just a matter of how and when. I sit here tonight thinking of death and how surrounded I am by it currently. Ironically death is my life at the moment. We just lost my bf's Nan a few weeks ago. Now on top of that fresh wound, we have lost a work friend; even though we didn't know him on a personal level, he wasn't just a work friend but part of our family. That hurts. Oh and to add another layer of unbearable sadness my bf's mums dad (His other gramps) has cancer and was taken to the hospice just a few days ago. I don't know if we will get a chance to see him again but I hope our last memory won't be of him in the back of that ambulance...As I type all these thoughts I sit here crying..There isn't much that can make me cry but losing those most dear to me just about does it. That's why I haven't commited suicide. I have had so many attempts and close calls with death, but I am still here. I don't want any of them to be feeling how I feel now. If I died I know a few people who would share the feelings I have about the people I mentioned, for me. I am not strong, I am in fact very weak and I know I can't do much to protect anyone but I know I can protect them from these feelings of loss and unbearable pain by still being alive. I can't even comprehend a life without my bf...We are one, forever. This is the most heartfelt post I have ever made. I lost the will to live for myself long long ago, but I have found a new will to live for my bf so I can hear him laugh and see him smile. That is all I need to keep me going. When he goes, I will go with him...
  2. Liquid Jello

    Liquid Jello Well-Known Member

    so sorry to hear of your many losses. wish there were something I could do to ease things for you even just a little. even so, I am touched by what u wrote. I'm glad you have someone like your bf. at the same time, if the unspeakable were to ever happen, I hope you might be able to hold onto what most inevitably would be your bf's wish for you to find some further purpose and/or meaning and even happiness in your life. and again, so very sorry for your guys' loss.


  3. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    Thank you.. It all just came so naturally. I guess they are my true feelings at the moment. When you are dealing with so much death it does make you step back and think of all these things. Suicide always seems to be the answer because we assume if we die so does the pain. But it's not so. We just push our pain onto everyone that cares and leave them with questions which can never be answered; perhaps the worst pain of all. I don't believe I can live without my bf because he means that much to me. He is what keeps my heart beating and my blood flowing. He's more special than he will ever know.
  4. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I just want to say I am sorry for the many losses you have had recently. There is no good side to the pain, but the knowledge that it means that the love was real and there was a purpose to their lives and is a purpose to your life. If there were no purpose or value, then there would be no pain - and that would be truly sad. Celebrate the parts of them you were able to share and remember they would want you to remember the joy and love and not just feel the pain.
  5. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    Thank you, I am trying but it's so hard. But the pain is so overwhelming </3
  6. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    Ugh....Alone again. Feeling shit today. The weather is shit, I am so tired...I am running out of strength. The daily struggle is too hard. Despite everything..I still want to give up :(
  7. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    Arrghhh. Right NOW in THIS moment I CAN'T DO THIS! It's all TOO MUCH! I need something...SH/OD i don't freaking care anymore!!!!
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Never ever give up on yourself. Is there anyone outside of SF you can talk to such as family/friends? I'm sorry you are feeling so down, I genuinely am :hug:
  9. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    No...Nobody can know how I feel. They can't help me. Especially when some of them are the root of my issues. I am so freakin alone...I just wanna cut deep tonight...
  10. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    No one can help me. Every day is a struggle to breathe so one last struggle for a few minutes won't be so bad.