I'm Dead

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Emptysoul, Nov 28, 2008.

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  1. Emptysoul

    Emptysoul Well-Known Member

    I tried to kill myself on Monday.

    I have been severly depressed and I still am. All because of Issues about my rape from 2 years ago that I never delt with and keep coming back and kicking me in the head.

    I called a friend and drove over to his house on Monday. We talked for a while and I told him that the day before while I had been at his house I had taken <mod edit-gentlelady-methods> He did not know how to advise me. He asked my permission to call the police for advice which I gave, they talked and sent two officers over to his house to talk to me. My friend told them that I did not have much trust in the police or the NHS. I told them when they asked what I had taken and why, they talked to their station to find out what the pills were and what they did. They then asked my permission and then called the paramedics who turned up quickly. They talked to me but I couldnt open up to them as was to frightened and unsure what to say. The checked me over, took some blood, blood pressure. When the paramedic touched my left arm to take my pulse I yanked it away from him because It really hurt as I had been self harming and had some deep painful cuts on my arm. He didn't asked why I pulled away, I felt teriffied of him. He strongly advised that I went to hospital with them but I would only go to my friend as I didn't trust them.
    When we got to Hospital, my friend checked me in at the reception and handed over the document the paramedic had given me. An hour later after waiting a nurse asked me to come through for an assesment and took some blood to check for the levels of the painkillers in my blood, my friend stayed with me at all times, then he sent me back to the waiting room.
    An hour and a half later a doctor took me to the assesment room, my friend had fallen asleep so I let him be. She talked to me and even though it was hard to talk I told her why I had taken the overdose and that I just couldnt cope and wanted to die. She looked at the cuts on my arm and said she would call me through to clean them up and tell me when the shrink got there to talk to me.
    The doc never came back to me, turned out someone elce who had been brought in had tried to kill themselfs, the had been treated then was left all alone in a cubicle, bad idea. They attempted again and got found and rushed into the resusitation room. Needless to say I was forgotten about.
    I waited for another 2 hours and the shrink turned up and called me and my friend through. She remembed me from 2 years back when I had tried to kill myself after (me a gay guy) had been violently raped by another guy. My friend told her what had happned and she asked me some questions. After half an hour she promiced to call in 2 days with some male rape crisis and counciling people. Then she sent me home as she said she needed to go to bed as she was worn out.
    I missed the phone call as I was asleep but she called my friend and gave him the numbers. I still havent got them off him and really need too.
    I find it hard to cencentrate on anything, Ive lost my appitite and can hardly eat a thing, I'm finding it hard to sleep from constant nightmares, I keep cutting myself and cant stop even though it dosen't help me except to get all lightheaded from loosing lots of blood.
    I really want to die, thinking about <mod edit-gentlelady-methods> they have never put up any barriers to stop people. I know its a garenteed death unlike overdosing on pills. Im unable to cope, the police never caught anyone and dropped the case and when I try and get help I just get ignored or slip through the cracks in the system. Ive got nothing to live for anymore, cant get a job as the economys fucked, can't get a boyfriend. I feel so lonely and have too many problems to cope with.
    The thought of what I would put my family and friends through used to stop me but I have got past that stage and it won't stop me anymore, I just dont care anymore. I know I need help and ive tried and tried but no luck. I cant see a brighter future anymore just more pain and misery.
    I cant deal with these emotions its gone to far. I can't attack what can be overcome as I can overcome it no more. I'll sleep on it but i'll still feel the same in the morning. I'm an emotional wreck and just empty inside. A shell with no substance inside. It'll be over tomorow, i'll no longer exist so I will have no more pain to endure, no more of hell on earth for me to endure. Nothing anymore as I'll no longer exist. It will be better for everyone around me without me being around anymore to polute their lives with my guilt and misery.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 28, 2008
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am glad your attempt was thwarted and you survived. I know it isn't easy to deal with these issues but it sounds as if you have a good friend that is willing to help support you through it. Call those numbers and start dealing with what has happened to you. It won't happen overnight and the work you must do to heal will be long and hard, but you can heal. I am glad you found us to add to your support network. Take care and stay safe. :hug:
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Empty Soul,
    Didn't you say the doctor called your friend with those phone numbers, and he wouldn't give them to you? Whats up with that? If he has them and won't give them to you then call the doctor and ask for them again.
    I know how strong those feelings are to just end it. I was going to do it two weeks ago but changed my date because I don't want to ruin christmas for the little ones. They would never understand what happened to uncle Joe.
    Try what I am doing. I have set goals that need to be accomplished to keep me alive. So far I have reached half of them. Those were the easy ones. Now I am at the point of acheiving the hard ones. Do what you can to try and change your thoughts on death. Like my therapist tells me don't discount the positive thoughts. Take Care!~Joseph~
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