This is a good place to start, right? Right at the beginning. Ok, this is rough on me, admitting everything I know of to complete and total strangers who probably don't give two squirts sometimes. Anyways, I know I have friends here. I'm grateful for every single flippin one of you all. *grouphug It's just time for me to say what is really going on in my life. I have borderline personality disorder. It has been diagnosed as such, and it was passed down to me from my mother. I have learned from internet, and therapy sessions that I depend on people. More than you, the reader, will ever understand. I know that you might say, "well, I need people to get by..there is nobody else I trust more than...blah blah blah..." I'm sorry, I have to interrupt. I trust deeply. Too deeply at times. I fell in love in high school. Was it true love? I don't know. Kelly posted me a question a week or two ago. "Why do you toss the "love " word around so much? Is it a joke or something?" (I have paraphrased a little, I'm sorry Kelly) I don't believe it as a joke. My mind tells me that if someone says "I Love You, Michael." I reciprocate, and my mind tells my body that this girl is the one for me. Now, I'm not saying what I feel for Rachael is false. I know in my "reality" and in my fucked up mind that she is THAT ONE. I don't know if I could wait for anyone else for so long with barely an email every other week. I've made stupid choices in what I say. I've told people I care, and when they take advantage of my care and compassionate nature, I forgive them, and hope they will listen to themselves a little more. More often than not, it doesn't change with some people. I tell people that I'm a good person, that I've always been helpful. Obviously, that's impossible. I fall myself. I'm fighting for my own life sometimes. Sometimes, I just want to pass over. Not right now, after my most recent incident (not my fault, mind you) I'm focusing on stopping my cutting. I threw away my blade. I congratulate myself for that huge step. I apoligize to my mom for asking her not to wake me just the other day. I wanted to go. I didn't want them to revive me. It was just so much pain, but I'm glad I am here. But anyways, I tell them I care, and I'll always listen. Is it so wrong to go back on that once in a while? If I want to die myself, and someone comes looking for friendship, am I allowed to say, "I can't, not right now, I'm sorry." I just helped someone live on after having the most horrifying incident. Then, when i was just too far into the phase of wanting to cut, I had to leave. I found out later he really hurt himself, and i felt responsible. I rejoined the chat room, to set my mind on happier thoughts, so I wouldn't cut. I enjoyed the conversation, I was laughing, and then someone killed that, and wouldn't accept my apology for something he still didn't know the full story of. I got pushed into cutting that night. Finally, Thank you to Jessie, Kelly, Rachael, Mally, Melly, Jane, Aimee. I know I didn't mention even a QUARTER of those who have been my supports. You know who you are. I have tried to thank you for what you have given me in terms of strength. I pray for each and every single person on this site every time I pray for myself. This site, and all it's helpful members, has kept me from becoming just another statistic.