I'm different. I've come to realize many things

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Dubstepper, Jul 9, 2008.

  1. Dubstepper

    Dubstepper Staff Alumni

    This is a good place to start, right? Right at the beginning. Ok, this is rough on me, admitting everything I know of to complete and total strangers who probably don't give two squirts sometimes. Anyways, I know I have friends here. I'm grateful for every single flippin one of you all. *grouphug It's just time for me to say what is really going on in my life.

    I have borderline personality disorder. It has been diagnosed as such, and it was passed down to me from my mother. I have learned from internet, and therapy sessions that I depend on people. More than you, the reader, will ever understand. I know that you might say, "well, I need people to get by..there is nobody else I trust more than...blah blah blah..." I'm sorry, I have to interrupt. I trust deeply. Too deeply at times. I fell in love in high school. Was it true love? I don't know. Kelly posted me a question a week or two ago. "Why do you toss the "love " word around so much? Is it a joke or something?" (I have paraphrased a little, I'm sorry Kelly) I don't believe it as a joke. My mind tells me that if someone says "I Love You, Michael." I reciprocate, and my mind tells my body that this girl is the one for me. Now, I'm not saying what I feel for Rachael is false. I know in my "reality" and in my fucked up mind that she is THAT ONE. I don't know if I could wait for anyone else for so long with barely an email every other week.
    I've made stupid choices in what I say. I've told people I care, and when they take advantage of my care and compassionate nature, I forgive them, and hope they will listen to themselves a little more. More often than not, it doesn't change with some people. I tell people that I'm a good person, that I've always been helpful. Obviously, that's impossible. I fall myself. I'm fighting for my own life sometimes. Sometimes, I just want to pass over. Not right now, after my most recent incident (not my fault, mind you) I'm focusing on stopping my cutting. I threw away my blade. I congratulate myself for that huge step. I apoligize to my mom for asking her not to wake me just the other day. I wanted to go. I didn't want them to revive me. It was just so much pain, but I'm glad I am here. But anyways, I tell them I care, and I'll always listen. Is it so wrong to go back on that once in a while? If I want to die myself, and someone comes looking for friendship, am I allowed to say, "I can't, not right now, I'm sorry." I just helped someone live on after having the most horrifying incident. Then, when i was just too far into the phase of wanting to cut, I had to leave. I found out later he really hurt himself, and i felt responsible. I rejoined the chat room, to set my mind on happier thoughts, so I wouldn't cut. I enjoyed the conversation, I was laughing, and then someone killed that, and wouldn't accept my apology for something he still didn't know the full story of. I got pushed into cutting that night.
    Finally, Thank you to Jessie, Kelly, Rachael, Mally, Melly, Jane, Aimee. I know I didn't mention even a QUARTER of those who have been my supports. You know who you are. I have tried to thank you for what you have given me in terms of strength. I pray for each and every single person on this site every time I pray for myself. This site, and all it's helpful members, has kept me from becoming just another statistic.
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Rachael...I do not think things are black and white, with most life happening in the grays...yes, of course it is reasonable to tell ppl you do not have the resources to invest in something at that moment...that is both genuine and 'normal' (I also hate the 'n' word!)...and if you do not know how you view someone, you can wait until you decide..it is so great that you have thrown away the blades and are trying to find a voice and a more self compassionate way of being...props to you!!! hope you continue on this path, but if you fall off the wagon, so to say, please remember we are all so very imperfect...big hugs, J
     
  3. Dubstepper

    Dubstepper Staff Alumni

    thanks sadeyes. but you called me rachael. :(
     
  4. Dubstepper

    Dubstepper Staff Alumni

    I Miss Her. I Won't Lie. I've Become One And The Same With Fear And Deception. Now That I Have The Fear Of Death Back In My Face I Must Find A Purpose. Yeah I've Confused People With My Choices Of Thoughts And How I Bring Up Shit That Doesn't Apply To The Circumstances Any Longer. I've Separated My Friendships Because I Can't Keep My Mouth Shut And Feel That It's Ok To Act What I Feel. I've Been Without Cutting For... Is It Almost Two Weeks Again?... I'm Not Sure Right Now. I'm Glad That I Got Rid Of That Instrument Of Injury. But It Gets Harder Every Day When I Know Where I Sent It. I Want To Be A Friend To Everyone And Make Everyone See That I'm A Great Guy. I'm Just Looking For Validation. I'm Rarely Replied To In My Posts. Let's Watch This One Be Th Same. I'm Glad My Wishes Didn't Come True In That ER But I Wanted My Mom To Just Let Me Pass. Sometimes I Say Too Much. Sometimes I Don't Say Enough. So Ignore The Guy Who Wanted To Be Your Friend. Me
     
  5. iceeblusmurf

    iceeblusmurf Senior Member

    Honey, you call me your Bestest Bestest friend, and you know, you really have become one of my best friends. i know i step back sometimes, but thats just because i'm scared. i jump into things really fast and it scares me. Mickey you are a great guy. you have been really important in my life recently. even if i don't always come to you, i know you are someone i can turn to when needed. And even though things were a little confusing there for a bit don't think that changed things, we figured it out and we are right were we need to be. So no i WILL NOT forget you, thats just not possible Mickey. i WILL hunt you down if i have to, because you are important to me. So you better stick around, atleast for me.

    :wub: you Mickey!

    Tinkerbell :wink:
     
  6. Dubstepper

    Dubstepper Staff Alumni

    well, ive done it now...and im disappointed in myself...but at the same time, i know it was right. Rachael, I'm sorry. I hope one day you can forgive me. I know it was me that caused your hurt this time, but i did it so that i wouldnt hurt you more later by hiding the truth..

    yes i feel like crying. yes i feel like i did the right thing for you, not for me. but its a matter of lying (which i am fighting so hard to condemn from myself) or being truthful to those who need the truth...im sorry.

    im sorry.
     
  7. Dubstepper

    Dubstepper Staff Alumni

    i still dont get it. you lied to me. whatever fuck you then. and now i did what you thought i shouldnt. whatever. fuck it
     
  8. Dubstepper

    Dubstepper Staff Alumni

    Ok. I'm Gonna Try To Be As Calm As Possible. But If I Weren't At Work Right Now I'd Be Screaming At The Top Of My Fucking Lungs.
    I'M SORRY. HOW MANY DIFFERENT WAYS CAN ONE MAN SAY IT? I KNEW IT WOULD HURT. I KNEW YOU WOULD BE SAD. WHY THE FUCK CAN'T YOU RESPECT THAT FACT. TRIED TO BE AS HONEST AS I COULD. OBVIOUSLY WATCHING MY PAIN WHILE TRYING TO SHOW YOU LOVE WASN'T FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH. I HAD TO DO IT TO SAVE YOUR FEELINGS. I'VE STILL GOT SHIT TO WOR OUT BEFORE I CAN GIVE IT ALL TO YOU. I AM A FUCK UP I REALIZE. THANKS FOR TELLING ME THIS. MAYBE YOU SHOULD RUB IT IN A LITTLE DEEPER. MAYBE PC SOMETHING TO MAKE ME CUT AGAIN. WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU CARE RIGHT? I'M THE MOD WHO HURT YOUR FEELINGS BY SPARING YOU THE BRUNT OF MY ANGER AND SADNESS. NOW YOU TELL ME TO FUCK OFF. THANKS. i'm Sorry Guys For Those Who Bared With That. You Don't Have To Reply. I Understand. Not Many People Will. Nor Do They Want To. They Read But Walk Away Without Offering A Kind Word. So Read And Move On Just Like I Know You Will.
     
  9. I love you and care for you. I am here for you. I understand. you are a friend to me and i want you to know that. you can always count on me i will be here to help you and i will be here to support you and give u the best huggles ever. depressedlosergrl/me hugtackles mikel so tightly. :biggrin: just dont give up. u can make it through all of this.. i dont hate you and i never will. you are awesome and others think the same. you are a very great person. you put a smile on my face when i need one. you are a wonderful person and dont let anyone tell you different.



    p.s. dont listen to the people that hurt you.
    just listen to the people that care and love you.

    take good care mikel *hugs*
    be safe.
    Don't forget im here for you.
     
  10. Spikey

    Spikey Senior Member

    :hug: ShineyNewUsername/Mikel :tongue: :hug:
    Ya know am always here if you want to rant/cry/bitch/whinge/moan at or even if you want me to be my usual irritating self and make you giggle, I'm here :tongue: :hug:

    Melleh xxx
     
  11. Dubstepper

    Dubstepper Staff Alumni

    Thanks Guys. I Know I've Got Friends Here. But It's Difficult To Go To A Single Person For A Shoulder, You Know? I'll Probably Take Someone Up On The Offer One Day But For Now Just Venting To The World Is My Best Relief.