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I'm disposable

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#1
It's hard to think about how I should word this. I don't want it to sound like I think I should be dead. I don't want it to sound like I'm in danger of committing suicide.

I feel disposable. I feel like people only want me in their lives for as short of a period of time as they can have me in them. I know why. I'm constantly negative. I don't have a moment where I'm not wallowing in self-pity. I don't have a moment where I'm not thinking back on everything stupid, regretful, or even good, that I've done. I'm never in the present. I don't want to be in the present. Even the worst parts of my life are better than now.

I'm becoming resistant to my anti-depressants for the second time. At first, I just thought it was a seasonal thing. I asked my primary care if I could have an increase in dose. She gave it to me. I felt good for a few months. Now, I'm far worse than I was before. Sometimes I have to take 2 in a day just to keep my mind straight. I'm going to be at the maximum dose if I ask for another increase. I'll eventually become resistant to that, too, and we'll need to try something new.

I can't focus anymore. I spend all day sitting on the couch, doing nothing but staring off into the distance. Whenever I try to talk to friends, I'm unable to even hold a conversation beyond hello. I immediately lose interest in talking to them as soon as they reply, and it feels like it's a chore to even attempt to carry on a conversation with them. I don't reply even if I initiate the conversation.

I made a new friend a week or so ago. That should be a happy thing, but we've already stopped talking. They made it longer than I was expecting, but when they noticed my issues, they started getting distant. I'm glad that they know they deserve better than to have me in their life. I hope everything goes well for them because they were nice.

I'm only 28, but I feel like I'm already having a midlife crisis. At best, I'm 35% of the way through my life. If my health is anything to go by, I'm further through than that. It scares me and makes me feel relieved. I don't want to not exist, but I also don't want to deal with depression anymore.

I don't deserve people in my life. I don't deserve sympathy. I used to emotionally abuse and harass people just so I could feel like I'm in control of something. I used to have a lot more friends than I do now until all of them realized how messed up I was and they all removed me from their lives. I don't blame them. In fact, I'm glad that they did. If they hadn't, I wouldn't have realized how awful I was to people that I considered my best friends. That was 5 years ago. Now I know I don't deserve friends and won't try to make friends.
 

Daphna

Ninja of light
#2
It's hard to think about how I should word this. I don't want it to sound like I think I should be dead. I don't want it to sound like I'm in danger of committing suicide.

I feel disposable. I feel like people only want me in their lives for as short of a period of time as they can have me in them. I know why. I'm constantly negative. I don't have a moment where I'm not wallowing in self-pity. I don't have a moment where I'm not thinking back on everything stupid, regretful, or even good, that I've done. I'm never in the present. I don't want to be in the present. Even the worst parts of my life are better than now.

I'm becoming resistant to my anti-depressants for the second time. At first, I just thought it was a seasonal thing. I asked my primary care if I could have an increase in dose. She gave it to me. I felt good for a few months. Now, I'm far worse than I was before. Sometimes I have to take 2 in a day just to keep my mind straight. I'm going to be at the maximum dose if I ask for another increase. I'll eventually become resistant to that, too, and we'll need to try something new.

I can't focus anymore. I spend all day sitting on the couch, doing nothing but staring off into the distance. Whenever I try to talk to friends, I'm unable to even hold a conversation beyond hello. I immediately lose interest in talking to them as soon as they reply, and it feels like it's a chore to even attempt to carry on a conversation with them. I don't reply even if I initiate the conversation.

I made a new friend a week or so ago. That should be a happy thing, but we've already stopped talking. They made it longer than I was expecting, but when they noticed my issues, they started getting distant. I'm glad that they know they deserve better than to have me in their life. I hope everything goes well for them because they were nice.

I'm only 28, but I feel like I'm already having a midlife crisis. At best, I'm 35% of the way through my life. If my health is anything to go by, I'm further through than that. It scares me and makes me feel relieved. I don't want to not exist, but I also don't want to deal with depression anymore.

I don't deserve people in my life. I don't deserve sympathy. I used to emotionally abuse and harass people just so I could feel like I'm in control of something. I used to have a lot more friends than I do now until all of them realized how messed up I was and they all removed me from their lives. I don't blame them. In fact, I'm glad that they did. If they hadn't, I wouldn't have realized how awful I was to people that I considered my best friends. That was 5 years ago. Now I know I don't deserve friends and won't try to make friends.
I wouldn’t agree that you’re disposable. I can see how you’ve accepted your behavior to the point of feeling relief when it does push people away. You’re twenty eight, and you have the time to change your habits. Since you already know the behavior that pushes people away, stop it. It’s that simple. Stop being negative. Stop living in the past. Stop neglecting the friendships you do have, and live day by day in the present. Face your fears, and conquer them. Forgive yourself for your mistakes and don’t repeat them. These are all new choices you can make to have a different outcome.
 

Dots

Misknown Member
#3
It's hard to think about how I should word this. I don't want it to sound like I think I should be dead. I don't want it to sound like I'm in danger of committing suicide.

I feel disposable. I feel like people only want me in their lives for as short of a period of time as they can have me in them. I know why. I'm constantly negative. I don't have a moment where I'm not wallowing in self-pity. I don't have a moment where I'm not thinking back on everything stupid, regretful, or even good, that I've done. I'm never in the present. I don't want to be in the present. Even the worst parts of my life are better than now.

I'm becoming resistant to my anti-depressants for the second time. At first, I just thought it was a seasonal thing. I asked my primary care if I could have an increase in dose. She gave it to me. I felt good for a few months. Now, I'm far worse than I was before. Sometimes I have to take 2 in a day just to keep my mind straight. I'm going to be at the maximum dose if I ask for another increase. I'll eventually become resistant to that, too, and we'll need to try something new.

I can't focus anymore. I spend all day sitting on the couch, doing nothing but staring off into the distance. Whenever I try to talk to friends, I'm unable to even hold a conversation beyond hello. I immediately lose interest in talking to them as soon as they reply, and it feels like it's a chore to even attempt to carry on a conversation with them. I don't reply even if I initiate the conversation.

I made a new friend a week or so ago. That should be a happy thing, but we've already stopped talking. They made it longer than I was expecting, but when they noticed my issues, they started getting distant. I'm glad that they know they deserve better than to have me in their life. I hope everything goes well for them because they were nice.

I'm only 28, but I feel like I'm already having a midlife crisis. At best, I'm 35% of the way through my life. If my health is anything to go by, I'm further through than that. It scares me and makes me feel relieved. I don't want to not exist, but I also don't want to deal with depression anymore.

I don't deserve people in my life. I don't deserve sympathy. I used to emotionally abuse and harass people just so I could feel like I'm in control of something. I used to have a lot more friends than I do now until all of them realized how messed up I was and they all removed me from their lives. I don't blame them. In fact, I'm glad that they did. If they hadn't, I wouldn't have realized how awful I was to people that I considered my best friends. That was 5 years ago. Now I know I don't deserve friends and won't try to make friends.
I'm going to say I think it's really good you recognize your bad behaviors... that's step one to changing them. I'm not going to say it's easy. I do not think it's easy or simple to stop engaging in bad habits you've had probably for a long time. It's not easy to reject mindsets that push people away... sometimes you don't even realize you're doing it. It's just an automatic reaction. But I think it's doable. I think it takes hard work and it takes a little bit of trust.

You are not disposable and you do deserve to have friends and to enjoy your life. People make mistakes, people fuck up. I haven't stayed on meds long enough to know how they work, but do you see a therapist? My therapist suggested it's best to take meds in conjunction with talking through your issues to find the root of the problem. Sometimes meds are just a temporary fix.

I'm also going to take a little step and say I think perhaps you are being really hard on yourself. I don't have a lot of context, but distancing yourself from people doesn't make you a bad person. Emotional abuse and harassment is not good, but the point is you recognize the toxic behavior and now you are distancing yourself so you don't hurt them and probably to avoid hurt yourself. Perhaps you can reintroduce yourself into people's lives using new guidelines to interact with them? Small steps at first... nothing heavy.

I know for me even interacting with others here is a step... even that sounds sad, it's true. Just to... have a conversation sometimes feel hard for me, but it also feels rewarding to do it.
 
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