im done being tired all the time

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by influenza, Mar 25, 2015.

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  1. influenza

    influenza New Member

    i was diagnosed with ME (also known as CFS in some places) which caused me to stop my final years of veterinary training as even on the best days pain wise i can only make it from one end of my small flat to the other. I have been living off a mix of codine, pregabalin, naproxin, amatriptaline and an anti inflammatory gel.
    even on the days i can drag myself up its not for long and i have to cope on the drugs alone.
    i am tired of being tired all the time
    i am tired of being in pain all the time
    i am tired of the look my partner of eight years gives me when i snap at him. i try so hard not too and it is always dumb things. i feel he stays because he knows he is pretty much my full time caretaker. im only 28 and him 26 and i know deep down i shouldnt feel this way at all. i used to self harm and have a very bad eating disorder for many years, i dont cut anymore but some old food habits die hard (mostly the act of pulling food apart and eating very slowly)
    i have nobody but myself to blame for how i am. My partner will joke sometimes about my mother who kicked me out at 18 and prior to that was very abusive. i still flinch and cower whenever anyone gets angry as i expect to be hit, i know i shouldnt be so scared. not evry person out there is a violent loon.
    yet i sit here looking at my box of medication thinking to myself "just take them all.... he is asleep you have plenty of time"
    im sorry for any poor spelling and whatnot. its half five in the morning i have been sat up in tears over this pointless crap.
    i am like a virus
    i dont live
    i exist.
  2. Jericho

    Jericho Well-Known Member

    I am extremely sorry to hear what you are going through. Please take care of yourself. I understand that you are experiencing rough times right now, but they will pass. I am also aware that I am sounding incredibly cliche at the moment, but all of what I say is true. Nothing lasts forever, including depression. All of us are here for you and will do whatever we can to help.

    Breathe, relax, and be safe.
  3. ramicule

    ramicule Member

    I can relate to being knocked out of grad school. And the physical ailment preventing you from who you want to be and eventually driving you to the edge.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there, I am really sorry for what you are going through and have gone through in the past. Besides this thread have you ever spoken about the violence you endured when you were younger? It would be brilliant for you to see a counselor, they would be really able to help you over your fears. You CAN overcome this, please do not harm yourself, you are special and a special person to someone. Hugs to you :hug:

    Talk here all you want, we will listen.
  5. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    ME, or CFS, is a very difficult disease to cope with. The symptoms are debilitating, and that's bad enough, but there simply isn't enough known about the causes and treatment of this disease. I hope you have a good doctor - this will make all the difference in the world. I understand what you're going through with the fatigue and chronic pain, and the need for medication, because I spent years affected by a similar syndrome, mixed connective tissue disorder. Fortunately, mine eventually went into remission and I hope this for you as well. If you ever want to talk about some of the frustrations of chronic illness, PM me. If not me, consider joining a CFS forum, if you haven't joined one already. It's like depression. People going through the same thing offer the most support and understanding - also great ideas for coping mechanisms.

    I was deeply saddened to read that your own mother abused you. This is a betrayal of the worst kind and the fact that you are still scared of being physically hurt shows the effects are still very raw. Have you ever been evaluated for PTSD? I know you've got a lot on your plate dealing with the ME, and have very little stamina to cope with anything else, but it might be worth checking out. There are some good treatment programs out there for this. Here is a link to a program I have personal experience with and can highly recommend. They are located in Washington DC but will be able to tell you about similar programs near you.

    Please be gentle with yourself and don't give up hope.
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