Im done. I mean it. Not that any of you truly give a shit.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by zen14, Jun 20, 2007.

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  1. zen14

    zen14 Guest

    Im 32.

    I have to live with my mother because my OCD is rancid and im on disability./

    She always reminds me im not making any real money, and the bitch makes me feel like SHIT every time she spends a dime on me.

    I hate my life. I just recently was cheated on.

    I dont wanna fucking hear that people care cause its BU*LLSHIT and what if they did? That and 50 cents would buy me a cup of coffee.

    Fuck this world.


  2. LostMyMind

    LostMyMind Well-Known Member

    I wuv you.
  3. liveinhope

    liveinhope Well-Known Member

    The fact that we read your posts must tell you we care or why would we take the time to reply????
    life can seem like a real burden and a struggle at times and we feel that people dont truely understand - which by the way they dont very often unless they to have been where we all have.
    It must be difficult when ur told ur not helping i guess this makes you feel pretty worthless, but there is a point to us all being here maybe the words were said in the heat of the moment, your mother may regret having said then when she thinks about it

    keep going be safe
  4. zen14

    zen14 Guest

    Yes, the 2 posts (one being a smartass) and 1400 views shows me that ya'll care a lot.

    I asked her to PLEASE get me some water a minute ago and thanked her for it. Her responce was "Thanks for making me late for work.

    Sounds like nothing really but that kind of mean spirited shit 50 times a day with nary a kind word to say has worn thin on me. I wanna die. And I want that old **** to feel like shit for the rest of her sociopathic fucking LIFE
  5. Vitreledonellidae

    Vitreledonellidae Well-Known Member

    There are other ways to do that, I cant really understand why you're still living with her. Maybe you can explain me it a little bit better (sorry, I'm a dumb blonde >.< ) Anyway you fucking dont deserve to get treated like that. I dont really know what else to say, I guess like those other 1400 views >.< Sorry
  6. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    zen,I'm really sorry I just read your thread now I know how you feel growing up with constant abuse and shit like that.I have OCD also,please ignore the 1400 view thing because that's exaggerated I think,I do care I'm dead serious please believe me.
  7. possessednomad

    possessednomad Well-Known Member

    Ocd sucks.

    that is all.
  8. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Oh yes it sure does you can say that again,do you suffer from it as well?I'm back on these med's called Anafranil because my Ocd hasn't gotten that out of hand.No one realises how bad this illness really is,inless the one's who have it and those who understand.
  9. possessednomad

    possessednomad Well-Known Member

    yeah i do have it, i agree that its hell. makes simple stuff so fucking difficult. can be so terrible sometimes like you seem to be going through at the moment.

    i really feel your pain - people might say something like at least you dont have this or that or whatever but frankly i'd trade most things for it, you may feel the same (?)
  10. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am sorry that you have been suffering so much zen. OCD can be a terrible thing to have, especially if it is a severe case,which it sounds like yours may be debilitating. I checked the view, there were 95 not 1400. That means that 95 people cared enough to read your post. People don't always reply because they don't have anything to say. It would not serve anythingthing for them to put words down just because they read the post. It woul not do anything for anyone, so please do not be discouraged by that Are you unable to live alone for some reason? I know many people with OCD that are not living with their parents. Sometimes it's tough, yeah, but would it be any tougher than dealing with the out downs and irrational behaviors from your mom. Well, something to think about I guess. I do hope your situation improves and you can work things out so you do not feel so overwhelmed.
  11. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Yes indeed it's a shocking illness Zen you have already a couple of us who understand exactly what you're going through with the Ocd,as well as everyone else who understand's what pain you're going through.I wish there was a quick fix I really do like for all of us,please I want you to know that I know how you're feeling and how hard you're trying.

    As you said nomad I'd glady exchange the illness for something else,just to rid myself of this awful pain it bring's each living moment.
  12. zen14

    zen14 Guest

    Possessednomad: I agree. Its a living nightmare that keeps evolving and it never quiets.

    GentleLady: You are a sweetheart and I understand that those that didnt post probably didnt know what to say. I am sorry for being a rude asshole in my first post (FU all etc). I HAVE to live with her as my disability is a joke....

    Ace: You seem to be right there with me. It is hell and im sick of it. People dont understand how all-consuming and HORRIBLE this illness is. I would GLADLY suffer two broken legs and arms to have it dissapear. On God himself I mean that.
    I feel I was cursed from birth and thats not drama thats a fact.

    Im on effexor and it does calm it a tad. But spitting in the river makes it rise some too. If you get my drift.

    ALSO I just had an EX GF tell me I always do this. "You're always so extreme. You wont do it. Cut the drama."
    Does the bitch WANT me to do it? GAWD people SUCK.......
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2007
  13. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Sorry i can't offer you any more consolation zen. If only there were magic words or something that could be used to change things for the better. But I most certainly have not been able to find the. I wish your GF took the time to understand what things really are about. It is not like you chose for this type of illness to strike you. No one would. I know it is hard to watch someone you love or care for suffer through these behaviors being unable to change them no matter how hard they try. I really can't offer you much, but know you are in my thoughts and if you will accept them, I send you hugs. :hug: My heart goes out to you hun.
  14. possessednomad

    possessednomad Well-Known Member

    It's weird, but even though im sure that manic depression/scizophrenia etc is a whole lot worse, when this is bad id gladly change to having one of those, despite how horribly terrible they can be. an odd feeling that most cant understand without having this (just like i guess i cant understand how much those things suck without having them).
  15. memory318

    memory318 Member

    why are u still living at home?
  16. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    I know how that is I have manic depression(Bi polar)as well so it's a shocking mix.zen and possessednomad Ocd does suck so badly people don't realise how bad this illness really is,I've had it for that many year's and it drives you like crazy.I want to just comfort you again knowing you aren't alone with these feeling's,we do understand what the hell is like and just going on is a real effort in's like Overanalyzing which I have as a bad part of my Ocd,to many people they'd just say stop,My pdoc know's how hard it is and he said I'm sure if you could just stop it you would.why would you suffer like this?Of course you'd change it in aninstant if you really could,I know that and most of us know who understand.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 22, 2007
  17. zen14

    zen14 Guest

    Well memory318...because like a sharp fellow named Norman once said "A boys best friend is his mother"...

    Wait, mine isnt, must be because my mind torments me all the time with ocd and depression. Hence my first two posts.
  18. melquiades62

    melquiades62 New Member

    Zen - Like those other bazillion people who didn't respond, I also don't know what to say. Struggling with emotional illness is a terrible thing; I suffer from depression and agoraphobia and it has also ruined my life. Frankly I come here and feel some peace knowing others suffer too but somehow find strength, even in just telling jerks to f-off when they post smart alec replies to expressions of pain. I think there are lots of people with you and I know that life can get better. I know it can. I may not know how to get there or how you get there (for sure), but there's a way.

    Hang in there, brother, maybe we both find a way.
  19. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Dear mel and Zen,please hold tight I'm alway's here for you guy's if it help's in anyway i know it's hard extremely hard so some of us do understand.anytime you like alway's here for you,your friend ace.
  20. Bud Leaf

    Bud Leaf Member

    I am a new member here as of today, going through every post here reading carfully every thread and posting any help i can give.

    Zen, about being cursed at birth, i wont tell you that no one is cursed at birth, i believe i was aswell with my spinal disease, then at about the age of 12 i thought i had a brain tumor because i could see a day, a month, a year or more into the future while i slept, talk about a curse, 1 day of school would = 2, 1 day of work would = 2, but im only getting paid for one of those days because i can manage to fit a 24 hour period into my brain in a 4 hour sleep, hows that for space time continuum. We were all born with the curse of pandora zen, i cried all night when i finally figured out the cards i was dealt in this life, i made my brother cry one time because i told him how much i hated my life and that i wanted him to kill me, that is when i realized just how much you could literally shatter your familys heart if you were to commit suicide. if i could man i would fly over there in a seconed and roll a big doobie for us and make you see the decision you thought of making. when you say, Fuck the world, Fuck you all...and then apologized for saying that, i thought, you shouldnt have to apologize for saying Fuck the World, because infact, the world fucks you. its your job to be the man in that relationship of you and the world. If you feel you can't, that the world has won the fight against you, and your only way out is to leave the world entirely, i can only suggest you try again, but this time build a mental block for yourself, and smile when you feel down, or just got a smart ass comment or a shot to the heart, just let it bounce off you, dont even acknowledge it if it isnt what you like. And as for your mother, if you are reading this right now, and she is there, you can tell her to read this line if you like - I Buddy have acknowledged your life, and circumstance, and request that God be in your lives, cherish your family for that is the truest way of self recovering and living a happier life. Once we are gone, all that we can leave behind is our family, so we must leave them with love, not out of spite, for the chain reaction could be cataclysmic eradicationg a family tree completley, that tree can only grow with love and nothing else, I beg you and God that you try anything to be happy under the same roof, please message me if you feel i can help. remember to smile in hard times, it shows you are stronger then negative emotions.
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