I'm done. I want to die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by carebear32, Jul 31, 2012.

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  1. carebear32

    carebear32 Well-Known Member

    What is the point of living if just waking up in the morning is difficult to do? I'm losing hope in ever finding a job, I owe some woman R25 000, which I don't have. I can't help but feel angry with my father, because to a degree (and my therapist and my mother agree) that my father is at least partly to blame for this mess. I do get some money from my father monthly, when he feels like it and not enough to get me through the month, hence that I can't afford my medication. I know this must seem pretty lame, but it's been 6 months and I can't do it anymore. I even dream about my death.
     
  2. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    :( :hug: I'm sorry.. things are so hard right now..
     
  3. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    I know where you are at right now to an extent, where you wake up and feel just utterly disgusted and disoriented. You go to sleep, knowing there won't be anything hopeful to wake up to.

    On top of that, you lean on others for responsibilities which they don't full fill, so then you are left in limbo, and disappointment. As for the job aspect, I am uncertain, but go out on a limb (if you have not yet done such), and literally ask your family members if they can get a referral in for you. I.E. ask them to recommend you to where they work.

    I was unable to find a job for the longest time, then another family member suggested to my brother that he recommend me. I was struggling for so damn long, and my own damn brother never even thought that he could maybe help me, till someone else brought it up. It ended up getting me work.

    Also, you appear to be able to write well, though I am uncertain of how this would work with your country, you may be able to attempt to get a writing job online. I am not sure if it will cover everything you need, in terms of pay, or if you'd be able to find one fast enough; but basically there are people who look for articles or marketing material to be written for on-line content. It's called Ghost Writing.

    There are various places where writers are hired, like Elance, but that's very competitive (to get someone to choose you, many other people are also placing their bids there for the buyers to see). You could try internet marketing forums, and some of them have members for hire sections. I am only recommending this, however as a sort of alternative that you can try in the meantime, and it may help you. You may find someone who is willing to give you a shot, pay you some money to write; and at least give you something else to do and hold onto in the meantime.

    Those are just two job ideas; another would be to completely change the state of your resume. I found that when I changed mine to be more upbeat, funny and just maybe a little cocky... people were amused, and considered me. Whereas with the very "standard" CV/Resume, in the past, I was never noticed. My resume is literally curved, as in the writing on it curves, so it's not straight lines, and also, it's not conventional looking. It has colors, and paints me out to be very interesting, while still delivering information.

    I originally created that resume as a sort of "F U" to employers, because I wasn't, like you, getting hired. I felt just utterly rejected, and just couldn't for the life of me figure out howcome others got hired and not me. So I made that resume to laugh at their faces, but they enjoyed it so much. I am recommending that you perhaps try it, if it fails, you have lost nothing...honestly... because right now you are still not finding a job, and I know there are jobs. So... try doing it a bit unconventionally.

    Also, though I am not certain what your meds are referring to, I am assuming they are there for your "good"... so I hope you can find the courage to continue, and try some more. I know it's so damn daunting and disappointing at every turn, but it's worth it to really get on the employers asses and let them know you exist, so you can pay back your debt, and get your medications on your own. That kind of victory is worth it, and you deserve it.

    Employers deserve to know who you are too.
     
  4. carebear32

    carebear32 Well-Known Member

    Thanks Samara. I am in BIG trouble then if I were to rely on my family. Working with family is what lead to my current situation in the first place. After my bike accident (that nearly killed me) I went to work for my father. I was there for almost 7 years when my brother came along and then his girlfriend not long after that. They made it their mission to get me fired and finally got their wish last year in August. I now volunteer at the police station, but it doesn't pay the bills. I have an intense fear of people, but ask anyone who knows me and they'll tell you that I have a wacky sense of humour.

    The medication I was refering to is my anti depressant, 2 mood stabilizers and a sleeping tablet I was prescribed by my psychiatrist. She'll hace me shot if she realizes that I stopped taking them, even if it was because my finances are completely down the toilet.
     
  5. Lps

    Lps Well-Known Member

    hey Carebear,

    I'm glad you're talking. that's a start. If you feel angry, it's ok to accept that you feel angry...no need to fix it or swallow it or shove it down. It's weird but letting yourself hit bottom and acknowledge that things feel like shit right now...can be the best thing that ever happens to you. Instead of struggling to swallow it or push it down, allow it to be...and allow yourself to have feelings about it. It doesn't make you a burden or a bad person.
     
  6. carebear32

    carebear32 Well-Known Member

    What makes me angry is when my grandmother makes me feel like I'm nothing, a nobody. According to her I don't do anything. I go to the police station every week day from 09:30 until 14:30. I get given the run around almost everyday and I don't get paid to do it. My urge to die is still pretty strong right now. I'm going to do it, I feel anxious and I actually do feel like a nobody. I'm exhausted like I haven't slept in days. I can't go on.
     
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