I'm done. Thoughts of dying. My well of strength has run dry.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by inkspring, Aug 2, 2014.

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  1. inkspring

    inkspring Well-Known Member

    I'm not a cryer but tonight I couldn't stop. I took my meds yet I can't sleep. I've poured myself out helping and serving others in need in spite of deepening depression, pulling up the last morsels of strength from deep within my well of strength. Now I have nothing left and the depression wants me to die. I want to die. I realize what it is. I recognize it. But I didn't leave myself enough strength to effectively use my coping skills to overcome it. I'm on the fence. I want to die and for this battle, rapid cycling with mostly wicked depressions, to end. I want God to take me home tonight. I know He hates suicide. One minute at a time, I'm going to try to make it 'til morning. I think I can do that.
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi InkSpring,

    Please do not anything as we can support you through your crisis. You are not alone and deserve to live life. Yes, depression is hard but you are a deserving person. I might be a stranger but I don't anyone suffering alone. You deserve the support but I suggest your speak to someone about your woes. Crying is fine but trust me you are not the only one suffering. I send you a virtual hand to hold on.

    You need to believe in me. I have been where you are going and you need support. DO NOT ANYTHING and go for a walk or change of environment. You will be ok but keep posting here for support.

    Please take care and keep posting.
  3. K8E

    K8E Well-Known Member

    Hi Inkspring,
    I wouldn't wish depression on my worst enemy. It can be a living hell. It is hard but you (we) can do this. Be kind to yourself. You are ill and need support that I hope this forum can help to provide.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Yes hun one minute one second at a time even ok and just know you can get through it. You keep talking to us ok we understand we do not judge here so please know we care ok
  5. inkspring

    inkspring Well-Known Member

    Thanks for reaching out. I gave myself space to do very little yesterday and hubby was supportive. I'm still sleepy so I don't know what I'm facing today yet, but I'm still here. I see my Pdoc on Wednesday. I'm trying to use that as a lifeline--he will certainly have an idea of what to do.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hiya. Yes, I'm sure your psych will be able to help so try and hold in there until then. Maybe a change of meds or anything else they can offer might be useful to you. Best of luck :hug:
  7. inkspring

    inkspring Well-Known Member

    I appreciate all of you--truly. Thank you. Its been a week since I first posted this thread. I saw my Pdoc on Wed (8/6/14). He said I need to stop working so hard to appear to function normally when I am so deeply, and worse suicidally, depressed. I usually continue to drag up the strength to do one more thing, again and again, all day long. He told me to do absolutely nothing but eat and sleep for 3 to 4 days. I've never done that except in the hospital. And that's what he said, if I won't do it at home with hubby there to support me, then I need to go to the hospital. I gave hubby the key to the strong box with the powerful pain meds (from past surgeries) so I can't act on that temptation. I'm trying to rest like Pdoc said (gave up yesterday, trying again today). If this isn't over by tomorrow or gets worse today, I'll got to the hospital. With the meds out of reach, mild fantasies with knives are turning up--not disturbing at this time, but if they get strong, it's time to leave home. Ugh! I hate this bipolar disease. I'm stronger than this--i work so very hard at wellness. Very Hard. I do all the right things, meds, sleep, coping skills-lots of them--good ones, don't drink, eat well, exercise. How can I succumb? How can it beat me down and overwhelm me like this? Why did I fail?
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