im done trying, just waiting for the end to come.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Young suicider, Jun 3, 2012.

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  1. Young suicider

    Young suicider Well-Known Member

    Any hope i ever had is basically gone. I have had enough and I dont want even want to try anymore.

    Every single time i find hope and it looks like something could finally make me happy, it is ripped away from me and I am left to rot. It hurts so much to be given so much to look forward to and suddenly have it ripped away. 4 years has been to 16 i have already spent 4 years of it depressed and what not. im not going to live my life like that.

    Lets get one thing straight, i have never told my parents and i never will. It is just the way I am. if they ever found out I would end it in under an hour. I cant tell them. I have tried to get a friend to talk to. I told someone 2 years ago and they blew me off like it was just a phase and it wasent anything serious. That was probably my only chance of stopping it before it went past the point of no return. I went 2 years of hiding it from every single person. never once considering to tell another person. a couple weeks ago i realized it was my only hope. i opened up and told 2 people. My best friend, the person i was closest to, didnt really care at all. In less than a week she for no reason at all wanted nothing to do with me or talk to me. I was destroyed and i came close to shock suicide. In 3 days i had started to regularly cut, made a suicide plan, and a suicide letter. i decided to tell the only other person i was close last shot at getting someone to talk me out of suicide and cutting. I went with it and told them. for a week i had some support...then disaster struck again. They said i scared them and they couldnt deal with me anymore and that they never wanted to talk to me again. In a span of 4 days i had lost the only 2 people i talked to a lot. I went into a free fall and panicked. Not only did i have no one to talk to about my depression, i had no one to talk to period. I knew i had only a few days to start talking to new people or i was going to kill myself. Thankfully i found some new close friends quickly because im a likable person, but it is only a cover up to a bigger problem.

    It took me 2 years to tell someone the first time....2.5 years to tell someone again. Now im pretty confident no one wants to deal with me, im basically unwanted. im done telling people. It just doesnt work. I wont have anyone to talk me out of cutting or even worse killing myself. If i end up deciding to do it there isnt anyone who knows and will be able to stop me. Not a single person to talk me out of it.

    Its just a matter of time.
  2. st_91

    st_91 Active Member

    I'm the same, i don't really talk to anyone about what has been going on with me because it would scare them or they would just stop talking to me or not know what to say.
    I did have someone to talk to about everything as she was going through it too, but she moved on with her life and i was left behind once again.
    I keep my distance from everyone now but it is important you keep trying to talk to someone. even if it is something like this on a forum or over the phone or professional.
    It can help just to write things down to someone or whatever, just to get your feelings out there, even if you dont expect a reply.
    There is always going to be something that holds you back, you just have to some how get through it.
  3. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    you need to hit prof help and maybe talk to your parents.Suicide and depression can scare alot of ppl especially if they dont know what to say or how to react around you.This is why we have profs helping ppl get through this.see your doc and try to get a therapist will be the best help you can seek at the moment.
  4. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Here are the problems with your situation. 16 years of age is YOUNG. 4 years is SHORT. You have not given life enough time, you have only started half way through your teens. You need to sit down with your parents and tell them what is going on. They care. If you do not, and all hope is lost, it will devistate them for sure. I know, it happened to me. You need them to help you find the PROFESSIONAL assistance that you need. There is no shame in seeking professional help... We all do this for anything that's wrong. If a pipe in the house leaks, we get a professional plumber. If we are having medical problems, we consult a doctor. If the car doesn't run, out comes the mechanic. You say you told your friends, which is sometimes a good start, but you cannot expect your friends to accept something so strongly horrible as self destructive death. This is serious and your friends may not be able to handle it. NOR SHOULD YOU. This is why there exists doctors. Your parents are the best resource to start seeking assistance. You can say now that you give up and don't want to try any more... but you haven't even started to try if you have not sat down with mom and dad and scheduled time with doctors.
  5. Sad_Psychotic

    Sad_Psychotic New Member

    Every day I try to get some sort of a smile on my face or at least some sort of drive to get out of bed. I've determined it's not hope that is driving me now, it's frustration. I can't see myself ever being truly happy, I've even told others about this, friends and parents. But while my 'friends' stay quiet and have yet to contact me, my mother just seems to forget we've talked about this, to the point that I'm screaming and sobbing. Now whenever I'm dragging my feet through the house, confine myself to my room, or just not want to spend time around anyone, she stupidly asks 'what's wrong' and just plays 20 questions never remembering we've done this before...

    What pushes me to get out of be is work. Not that it is fun or in anyway fulfilling, it's the money. I need money! Not just for the insurance, the car, the bills, it's so I can have something to far back on once...*sigh* Once I finally move out. One of the reasons I feel so low; being in my mid 20s and still living with my mother. Some have said lots of others have still stayed at their parents until they were financially stable, but life in general hasn't made it any easier. My job is the same profession I've been in and out of for 12 years! The customers are all the same; cheap and hateful, always lying and trying to get some credit or a free meal just because they can bitch about it!...It's the only thing I can feel better about is that I've never bitched someone into a corner to get what I wanted...But I still don't feel more successful.

    My true plan is to move out, somehow get comfortable, and maybe live some kind of life. I know it won't be the one I wanted, much less have anything happy like kids, a wife, a family, my own house, or even a great job...It'll just be my own little hole-in-the-wall world that I'll slink away to everyday, alone and unloved, and eventually vanish into...
  6. Young suicider

    Young suicider Well-Known Member

    Im done trying. I cant take it anymore. Nothing has worked and it always just makes it worse. Im tired of the lack of caring. Sure maybe my parents care and maybe they would help, but it isnt an option. I just cant live with them knowing and i dont want to see their reaction. I dont want to be treated differently and bothered constantly about it everyday. I want to be normal, but it just isnt. I tried to hang on for so long with so little to grasp. There isnt anything left though. I have hit the end of the line and there is no reason to stick around and bother people about it. It is time to just quietly dissapear.
  7. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Trying is only completed when everything has been tried. You need to begin with the very first steps (telling someone) and then by getting some help (doctors) and move on from there. You are still at square one and have not begun the trying part yet. Consult an adult in real life and ask for some assistance.
  8. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    I m going to be harsh here but is it your looking for some pity and dont be ashamed as some of us do that from time to time.PLEASE talk with your parents as once you have lost them this is something you will never replace.Talk please best solution and listen you do have a future make it count .Take care always here
  9. Young suicider

    Young suicider Well-Known Member

    OK maybe i have tried everything. i dont want to try. im done with all this, it isnt worth it. I dont see a point in suffering like this.
  10. Sweetrecital

    Sweetrecital Member

    you see, you and i are both young, but you haven't had anything serious in your life affect you judging by your description at the top. you're just looking for someone to pour out to, and i know how you feel about the parental talk because i for one don't want to put that sort of worry on them. BUT, you DO need to find a way of letting out all that you need to. i used to bottle it away, and from time to time i still do, but when you find a release, a lot of that suicidal thought wafts away, and you're able to stay stable. i've had events happen in my life that have caused my depression, and more events on top of those to cause greater problems. you're 16. committing suicide is the easy way out, and your parents won't forgive you for doing that to them. consider that. even your best friends, that have left you because of you opening up. its a lot to burden, especially when you burst out with it all because you don't notice that its a hell of a lot that you've collected. other people that aren't going through any discomforting thoughts, won't be able to face that. their coping mechanism is to just stay away and hope things get better. its a terrible coping mechanism because it alienates the one person that is crying out for help and attention. don't feel ashamed, everyone at some stage in their lives faces this. im in the same boat as you, but i've managed to pull myself away from the urge to actually go ahead with my plans. i make them, sure. but i never proceed with them. why? because there are people in your life, that even though they don't show it, and you may never feel it, but they need you.

    consider yourself a guardian angel, because you feel everything in so many more ways than other people, and look, you've survived 16 years, i know for a fact that you can survive many more to come. be strong, believe in yourself, that you're in your family for their greater good.

    if you would like to talk, my names dan. give me a message and i'll get back to you okay
  11. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Your first post clearly stated that you have not. Giving up without having tried is not good - you are urged to put the same effort into trying that you are giving toward giving up. You can beat this and you can win.
  12. EisNayk

    EisNayk Well-Known Member

    do you have any activities that you like to do and still do them? for me the only thing I do is talk to people I am not even sure if I even like to but it keeps my interest for some reason I do not know if it is because I am hoping someone is able to pull me out of my hole or something at times I am so confused in my own thoughts and distracted by my own pain I can barely see what is in front of me. I am sure you are the same way feeling plagued by how you feel wanting to reach out and hoping that the other person reaches out as well. I can understand the pain but as of yet have not been able to remedy it. and the thing that gets me most is every coping skill I have used all have worked for short periods of time and lose effectiveness but I still have not stopped trying. fighting a loosing battle is certainly not easy nor is it any fun to continue to fight when you know the end result is your going to likely loose. I think a lot of people here would be just fine if they just had one person they could tell about how they are feeling and the online response they would have would be to wrap their arms around you and tell you they love you.

    sorry pain kinda makes my thoughts spastic at best.
  13. Young suicider

    Young suicider Well-Known Member

    I dont have anything positive in life that makes me what to try. And makes me want to go on. Im done and thats it.
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