Any hope i ever had is basically gone. I have had enough and I dont want even want to try anymore. Every single time i find hope and it looks like something could finally make me happy, it is ripped away from me and I am left to rot. It hurts so much to be given so much to look forward to and suddenly have it ripped away. 4 years has been to long...at 16 i have already spent 4 years of it depressed and what not. im not going to live my life like that. Lets get one thing straight, i have never told my parents and i never will. It is just the way I am. if they ever found out I would end it in under an hour. I cant tell them. I have tried to get a friend to talk to. I told someone 2 years ago and they blew me off like it was just a phase and it wasent anything serious. That was probably my only chance of stopping it before it went past the point of no return. I went 2 years of hiding it from every single person. never once considering to tell another person. a couple weeks ago i realized it was my only hope. i opened up and told 2 people. My best friend, the person i was closest to, didnt really care at all. In less than a week she for no reason at all wanted nothing to do with me or talk to me. I was destroyed and i came close to shock suicide. In 3 days i had started to regularly cut, made a suicide plan, and a suicide letter. i decided to tell the only other person i was close to...my last shot at getting someone to talk me out of suicide and cutting. I went with it and told them. for a week i had some support...then disaster struck again. They said i scared them and they couldnt deal with me anymore and that they never wanted to talk to me again. In a span of 4 days i had lost the only 2 people i talked to a lot. I went into a free fall and panicked. Not only did i have no one to talk to about my depression, i had no one to talk to period. I knew i had only a few days to start talking to new people or i was going to kill myself. Thankfully i found some new close friends quickly because im a likable person, but it is only a cover up to a bigger problem. It took me 2 years to tell someone the first time....2.5 years to tell someone again. Now im pretty confident no one wants to deal with me, im basically unwanted. im done telling people. It just doesnt work. I wont have anyone to talk me out of cutting or even worse killing myself. If i end up deciding to do it there isnt anyone who knows and will be able to stop me. Not a single person to talk me out of it. Its just a matter of time.