i'm done with life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by robmariani, Jul 28, 2007.

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  1. robmariani

    robmariani New Member

    i have to say this is the first time i've ever written about this or talked about it.

    i'm a 20 year old guy who has permament suicide thoughts no matter if i'm in a better mood or not, i mean EVERY day of my life since the past years.
    ever since i was 14/15 i was already thinking about it -- i know there was something going on in my head but i just didn't care much.

    one can be really young but i believe it's in those years when things like that 'haunt' you latter on your life. i've had this social phobia (or however it's called) since those years...
    ever since i can remember, people were 'shooting' odd looks at me -- now you may think i'm making this up or that it's all my imagination... well no, even my mother about a year ago laughed when someone stared at me for a long time in the street while we were walking.

    it maybe is my face, it maybe is something about my body, i don't really want to discuss the reason but most of the failure of my own life is because of that, and 'that' generated the fear of looking at myself in mirrors, i really don't care anymore how do i look.
    i dropped out of a school a couple of years ago on a big city (i'm from a small town) because no matter where i went i always felt completely stared at -- restaurant for the first day of school with my parents? the waiter staring at me at the other side of the place, and what did i do? just look on the ground like a poor puppy like i always do. (this is just an example, but that happens everyday, with strangers or with family members).
    the people at this school were laughing (of course not everybody) just when i said something at class, and that kind of things, believe me, stay in your head forever and that's one of the reasons why i didn't go to college and didn't care anymore about my education -- all my brothers did, i didn't.

    now you can understand a little better why i can be for weeks (or months) without going out. i don't go anywhere. my parents don't care anymore -- my father once said he didn't give a damn if i was born dead -- i suppose they didn't want to have me.
    i gave up my education after high school and i don't do anything profitable at all.
    i went twice to the psychologist but i just lasted 2 or 3 sessions, i just didn't feel it was helping me at all and i wanted no pills.

    i'm a miserable person, i treat my brothers badly, in fact, i don't speak to them at all. i'm always in a bad mood no matter if i have a smile or not in my face. my parents really don't give a damn about me but i don't really care anymore.

    i've never been hugged (not even by my parents), kissed or even touched by a girl -- yes, you realize i've never been with a girl.

    deep inside i think i am/was a good person with a nice personality and i don't want to sound vain at all but all these problems turned me into a really detestable person.

    i've no social skills, i've never spoken to any guy or girl in a real conversation. i just say 2 sentences and i'm already looking at the ground and feeling everybody around me is looking at me, i just freeze or look dumb as usual.
    i don't care about anything, i don't have any hobbies, i have never traveled anywhere and honestly i don't feel like it at all.

    obviously i have never had a friend at all and the thing that's happening to me lately is something i never experienced... i see women as some kind of untouchable, sacred thing that i know that i will never even talk to in my whole pathetic life... i feel like such a dumb stupid guy staring (staring, nothing else) at pictures of attractive women and kind of wondering what i'm doing.

    christ, i will sound like a total stupid guy, but when i read something or see something i don't like about a woman i liked in a photo, the way she acts or what she says, i feel even more depressed and suicidal because i thought that woman was a really good person and i thought she was some kind of a pure thing, and i don't want to offend any girls with what i said. (it's mostly actresses or models i randomly find on the internet).
    when some sexual thoughts about this woman that i think she's really a nice person come to my mind i try to avoid them really fast like i'm being a sinner and i don't want to mix her image with my dirty mind -- and believe me, it's being more and more difficult lately to avoid those thoughts and i feel my mind is about to explode.

    maybe this strange relationship with the hate of my whole self and my image has to do with this thing about girls i see. i don't know. it's a complete mess in my head. we all know a beautiful person doesn't always equal a beautiful personality but nonetheless i can't convince myself at that, i'm messed up.

    you see, it's very sad that you really know you're going to end up your life sooner or latter. it's very hard to exist when there's permanent thoughts of suicide on your head and you're really not happy at all. walking around your house looking for spots to do the thing. no matter if they help me or not, i can honestly say i'm completely done with life, call it months or years. but that's it.

    i want to apologize for anyone who had the courage to read this whole thing but well, i had to throw it all up in one post...
  2. Darph

    Darph Member

    Hey man I read the entire thing and I know where you are coming from on a lot of points, the "staring" and having got to the point where you think your appearance is so fucked you don't even have the courage to look into a mirror anymore, that has been a shitty thing to add to my many reasons of thinkiing about death
  3. crisis4Life

    crisis4Life Member

    I'm glad you found the courage to spit it all out, I hope it feels better.

    I'm sure you are a wonderful person, and for what its worth, here is a big hug from me :hug:

    Hang in there man, you are still young, I myself am only 20, and I don't know who I am yet either... I find I have no specific talent, and I don't know what I want to do, or what I want to be. You are still young, and you will figure it out in your own time. Your suicide thoughts can be helped, please don't lose hope.
    Have you ever seen a therapist, or a psychiatrist? maybe that could help. If not, we are always here for you, always open to listen.

    :smile: I hope this helps, feel free to pm anytime :hug:
  4. jonnyhunter

    jonnyhunter New Member

    Hey man,
    I read your post and I think you have more going for you than you realize. I used to have the same thoughts until I learned how to notice them and destroy them. Life is too short to think such junk.
    I had the same negative thoughts, like the staring people and all, well man, they are staring because the can sense your bad energy. Hang your head up man, life is better when you are looking up. Get a new hobby, start a blog about these issues, because you have a lot to say and can be of help to others.
    I just started a blog about my issues and I feel so much better. I've overcome suicide(my father), depression, ADHD, drug addiction(15yrs), and even smoking cigarettes. Now things don't seem so trivial and depressing. Life is good again, and it wants to be enjoyed by you too.
    Read my blog, read what others have gone through, quit thinking so much about your own 'problems', and get busy getting better.
    I'll be here.
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