i have to say this is the first time i've ever written about this or talked about it.
i'm a 20 year old guy who has permament suicide thoughts no matter if i'm in a better mood or not, i mean EVERY day of my life since the past years.
ever since i was 14/15 i was already thinking about it -- i know there was something going on in my head but i just didn't care much.
one can be really young but i believe it's in those years when things like that 'haunt' you latter on your life. i've had this social phobia (or however it's called) since those years...
ever since i can remember, people were 'shooting' odd looks at me -- now you may think i'm making this up or that it's all my imagination... well no, even my mother about a year ago laughed when someone stared at me for a long time in the street while we were walking.
it maybe is my face, it maybe is something about my body, i don't really want to discuss the reason but most of the failure of my own life is because of that, and 'that' generated the fear of looking at myself in mirrors, i really don't care anymore how do i look.
i dropped out of a school a couple of years ago on a big city (i'm from a small town) because no matter where i went i always felt completely stared at -- restaurant for the first day of school with my parents? the waiter staring at me at the other side of the place, and what did i do? just look on the ground like a poor puppy like i always do. (this is just an example, but that happens everyday, with strangers or with family members).
the people at this school were laughing (of course not everybody) just when i said something at class, and that kind of things, believe me, stay in your head forever and that's one of the reasons why i didn't go to college and didn't care anymore about my education -- all my brothers did, i didn't.
now you can understand a little better why i can be for weeks (or months) without going out. i don't go anywhere. my parents don't care anymore -- my father once said he didn't give a damn if i was born dead -- i suppose they didn't want to have me.
i gave up my education after high school and i don't do anything profitable at all.
i went twice to the psychologist but i just lasted 2 or 3 sessions, i just didn't feel it was helping me at all and i wanted no pills.
i'm a miserable person, i treat my brothers badly, in fact, i don't speak to them at all. i'm always in a bad mood no matter if i have a smile or not in my face. my parents really don't give a damn about me but i don't really care anymore.
i've never been hugged (not even by my parents), kissed or even touched by a girl -- yes, you realize i've never been with a girl.
deep inside i think i am/was a good person with a nice personality and i don't want to sound vain at all but all these problems turned me into a really detestable person.
i've no social skills, i've never spoken to any guy or girl in a real conversation. i just say 2 sentences and i'm already looking at the ground and feeling everybody around me is looking at me, i just freeze or look dumb as usual.
i don't care about anything, i don't have any hobbies, i have never traveled anywhere and honestly i don't feel like it at all.
obviously i have never had a friend at all and the thing that's happening to me lately is something i never experienced... i see women as some kind of untouchable, sacred thing that i know that i will never even talk to in my whole pathetic life... i feel like such a dumb stupid guy staring (staring, nothing else) at pictures of attractive women and kind of wondering what i'm doing.
christ, i will sound like a total stupid guy, but when i read something or see something i don't like about a woman i liked in a photo, the way she acts or what she says, i feel even more depressed and suicidal because i thought that woman was a really good person and i thought she was some kind of a pure thing, and i don't want to offend any girls with what i said. (it's mostly actresses or models i randomly find on the internet).
when some sexual thoughts about this woman that i think she's really a nice person come to my mind i try to avoid them really fast like i'm being a sinner and i don't want to mix her image with my dirty mind -- and believe me, it's being more and more difficult lately to avoid those thoughts and i feel my mind is about to explode.
maybe this strange relationship with the hate of my whole self and my image has to do with this thing about girls i see. i don't know. it's a complete mess in my head. we all know a beautiful person doesn't always equal a beautiful personality but nonetheless i can't convince myself at that, i'm messed up.
you see, it's very sad that you really know you're going to end up your life sooner or latter. it's very hard to exist when there's permanent thoughts of suicide on your head and you're really not happy at all. walking around your house looking for spots to do the thing. no matter if they help me or not, i can honestly say i'm completely done with life, call it months or years. but that's it.
i want to apologize for anyone who had the courage to read this whole thing but well, i had to throw it all up in one post...
i'm a 20 year old guy who has permament suicide thoughts no matter if i'm in a better mood or not, i mean EVERY day of my life since the past years.
ever since i was 14/15 i was already thinking about it -- i know there was something going on in my head but i just didn't care much.
one can be really young but i believe it's in those years when things like that 'haunt' you latter on your life. i've had this social phobia (or however it's called) since those years...
ever since i can remember, people were 'shooting' odd looks at me -- now you may think i'm making this up or that it's all my imagination... well no, even my mother about a year ago laughed when someone stared at me for a long time in the street while we were walking.
it maybe is my face, it maybe is something about my body, i don't really want to discuss the reason but most of the failure of my own life is because of that, and 'that' generated the fear of looking at myself in mirrors, i really don't care anymore how do i look.
i dropped out of a school a couple of years ago on a big city (i'm from a small town) because no matter where i went i always felt completely stared at -- restaurant for the first day of school with my parents? the waiter staring at me at the other side of the place, and what did i do? just look on the ground like a poor puppy like i always do. (this is just an example, but that happens everyday, with strangers or with family members).
the people at this school were laughing (of course not everybody) just when i said something at class, and that kind of things, believe me, stay in your head forever and that's one of the reasons why i didn't go to college and didn't care anymore about my education -- all my brothers did, i didn't.
now you can understand a little better why i can be for weeks (or months) without going out. i don't go anywhere. my parents don't care anymore -- my father once said he didn't give a damn if i was born dead -- i suppose they didn't want to have me.
i gave up my education after high school and i don't do anything profitable at all.
i went twice to the psychologist but i just lasted 2 or 3 sessions, i just didn't feel it was helping me at all and i wanted no pills.
i'm a miserable person, i treat my brothers badly, in fact, i don't speak to them at all. i'm always in a bad mood no matter if i have a smile or not in my face. my parents really don't give a damn about me but i don't really care anymore.
i've never been hugged (not even by my parents), kissed or even touched by a girl -- yes, you realize i've never been with a girl.
deep inside i think i am/was a good person with a nice personality and i don't want to sound vain at all but all these problems turned me into a really detestable person.
i've no social skills, i've never spoken to any guy or girl in a real conversation. i just say 2 sentences and i'm already looking at the ground and feeling everybody around me is looking at me, i just freeze or look dumb as usual.
i don't care about anything, i don't have any hobbies, i have never traveled anywhere and honestly i don't feel like it at all.
obviously i have never had a friend at all and the thing that's happening to me lately is something i never experienced... i see women as some kind of untouchable, sacred thing that i know that i will never even talk to in my whole pathetic life... i feel like such a dumb stupid guy staring (staring, nothing else) at pictures of attractive women and kind of wondering what i'm doing.
christ, i will sound like a total stupid guy, but when i read something or see something i don't like about a woman i liked in a photo, the way she acts or what she says, i feel even more depressed and suicidal because i thought that woman was a really good person and i thought she was some kind of a pure thing, and i don't want to offend any girls with what i said. (it's mostly actresses or models i randomly find on the internet).
when some sexual thoughts about this woman that i think she's really a nice person come to my mind i try to avoid them really fast like i'm being a sinner and i don't want to mix her image with my dirty mind -- and believe me, it's being more and more difficult lately to avoid those thoughts and i feel my mind is about to explode.
maybe this strange relationship with the hate of my whole self and my image has to do with this thing about girls i see. i don't know. it's a complete mess in my head. we all know a beautiful person doesn't always equal a beautiful personality but nonetheless i can't convince myself at that, i'm messed up.
you see, it's very sad that you really know you're going to end up your life sooner or latter. it's very hard to exist when there's permanent thoughts of suicide on your head and you're really not happy at all. walking around your house looking for spots to do the thing. no matter if they help me or not, i can honestly say i'm completely done with life, call it months or years. but that's it.
i want to apologize for anyone who had the courage to read this whole thing but well, i had to throw it all up in one post...