I'm done with this.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Prossimo, May 16, 2010.

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  1. Prossimo

    Prossimo New Member

    Thought I'd post my story as a last thing.

    I always thought I was more than I was. Always.

    Or maybe I was just kidding myself? As I always thought I was.

    I fucked up over a good three years ago. I dropped out of my school and sat it out until I returned to a college and saw out 2 years until uni.

    Until last summer it was all well, I was happy, I had survived all this shit the first time and sat it out until it was all better. I found a new start in a new college and I managed to get a gf. Somehow. Me being the ugly awkward fucker I am. Things went well for like a year. They kept me up despite the fact I felt it was all down to me. It wasn't.

    Needless to say it all fell through eventually. I waited 5 months last summer while she was on a gap year until I went out to meet her to find out things had changed and it was over. Big deal.

    I've pretty much seen out my first year at uni. 1 more exam but to be honest I just don't even care any more. Tonight was the night I realised I mean fuck all to pretty much all around me. No matter how much they say they want me out/around/up for a night out/a chat it takes very little time to realise my presence means fuck all to most. I don't matter to anyone just like i did 3 years ago. I haven't moved on at all despite everything.

    I guess my big fault is that I just feel myself to be fucking ugly and aside from one good year and a bit all i have ever felt is that way. Tonight I realised it just really is the case and along with the fact I have no impact on anything I do/am I just give up. I am a nothing person and I give nothing to this world and it really would make no difference by just topping myself now and being gone. That's really how I feel now.

    Being at this uni was meant to be my new start. My new opportunity and my new chance to be someone different. I haven't got anywhere near being different and there is no point in hanging around now. I offer nothing to anyone/anything and so why? Why hang around? Waiting for things to get better? The last time I did that my life imploded and I gave up everything so is that how it should be? Each time I don't feel up to it just drop out and spend all my time feeling sorry for myself? Fuck this all. I am one of those sorry cases in this life and it's about time I saw it out.

    And yet all this leads me to post on here. I guess I want some reason or something to live. I don't know. I'm just a fucked up individual. I don't see a way out of any of this.
  2. jabooty

    jabooty Banned Member

    when you find yourself at the end of your rope...tie a knot and hang on!

    Thomas Jefferson

    it just feels that way...you found a girl once and youll find another! it sounds like things were going good until you guys broke up, is that the case??
  3. Prossimo

    Prossimo New Member

    It's more a case of I'd like to be happy being on my own. I don't want to feel like my happiness is dependent on others or needing someone to see me differently to how I do, but I just can't do it. I feel absolutely alone and I can't keep holding up. This was meant to be a big year of a new start for me and trying again and nothing ever came of it. I just stand in the background and can fade away at any time like always.
  4. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    As well as agreeing with what Jabooty said =)

    Maybe you need to use this as not a way out, but a fresh start: okay so your in this position, so you use it as a motivation to get yourself were you want to be, then once you are there you can use it as a big F-you to those who abandoned you-if that makes any sense.

    And you know you have the support of people here, so keep fighting please
  5. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Well you just need to keep that motivation and hope. I know what you are going through. Everyday I think todayis the saying change for the better. However, it ends up being same whit different day. All because when the going gets though. My heart gives up.

    I don't know what reason I can offer you to live. However, you can keep living without a reason. That is what I am doing. Maybe my reason will find me.
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Promissimo,
    You said yourself that you started a new uni and have brought yourself back upo to where you need to be.. Thats no minor accomplishment... Your doing good for yourself.. Why don't you focus on your schooling right now... There is plenty of time for the other things in life later.. You can do it.. You just need to set your mind to it.. Take care..
  7. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Maybe we are all alive to find that reason, and its not our time until we do? And when we do we will find happiness. Sorry just rambling aloud, -shuts up u.u-
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