I'm Done

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Siferra, Apr 30, 2014.

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  1. Siferra

    Siferra Member

    I'm not sure why I've even come to post, as in my mind I've already made the decision to go. It's not like I want to get talked out of it, or be told to hang on a few more days (I have to stick around a while longer anyway; I don't have a choice but to hold on a while longer.)

    I've been depressed off and on since I was 12. I've been suicidal off and on since then. In effect, I've been ready to die since I was 18; I made the decision to die then. I had a plan, and I was ready to act upon it.

    I was saved then by a wonderful person, who kept me hopeful, happy, and alive for another 14 years. But all I did was hurt him, lie to him, and push him away - I systematically destroyed our relationship, knowingly and maliciously. I hurt him endlessly, lied to him nonstop, and did nothing but seek my own happiness. He told me I was hurting him, but I didn't care. I didn't stop. I used him, used his kindness and patience and love. I have utterly destroyed him emotionally, and there is no hope left. He is gone, and he was the only thing keeping me alive. I can't go on without him - well, to be more precise, I won't. I don't want to. We've been together for 14 years, and I don't want to go on without him, but I've done irreparable damage to the relationship (through my own actions and inaction - I know it's my own fault) and I know it's over. There's no rescuing it. I can't make it all better, but I don't want to go on alone, or find someone new "eventually".

    It took a while, but I finally see what I am - someone who doesn't actually care about anyone else. I am actually incapable of thinking about other people and their happiness. There's no point to "starting over" or "finding someone new" or even "living for myself". If I go on, these base personality flaws will still be extant. I will still be the most horrible kind of person - beyond selfish, beyond event thoughtless. I am maliciously self-centered. There is no point to my existence.

    The long and short of it is - I actually have the means to exit this world peacefully and easily; it's all a matter of when and where. I'd like to make it as easy as possible on the people who have to "discover" me, and I know I'm still being horribly selfish to my family and friends (although, to be honest, I don't really care how they're affected - I'll be dead, after all!)

    As an aside - it's kind of sad that my family hasn't picked up on how depressed and suicidal I actually have been for the last few weeks. (I still live at home - my father is severely brain-damaged and disabled, and we care for him at home.) I'm not sleeping or eating at all. I've lost probably 10 pounds. My clothes hang on me. I don't comb my hair. I'm fishbelly pale, I've chewed off my nails literally past the point of no return, and I answer all questions in monosyllables. Yet my family's observations are limited to my mother stating "Gosh, you look pale!" or my older sister informing me that everyone in the world hates me (par for the course - we don't get along). That's my familial support system - I'm not exactly going to volunteer my emotional state to them, especially not to my sister, who literally blames me for all of the problems in her life and our family's life (including my dad's accident, which happened when I was 18).

    I've tried to talk to two (online) friends about it. One of them is so self-absorbed that he will literally message me with "still alive?" or "dead yet?" and then, if I actually reply, will simply launch off into message after message about his own life - some crisis with this girl he's moving in with, some drama with a new camera lens he's ordered, some crisis with house repairs, etc. I'm not saying he can't talk about his life, but he knows I'm suicidal, and acutely so - he knows I'm literally in a suicidal crisis and have been for several days - and the last thing I need from him are tongue-in-cheek "are you dead yet?? lol" messages and hearing about the drama in HIS life.

    The other friend seemed to be concerned at first, but then she stopped responding to my messages and hasn't messaged me for days now. She also knew I was in a suicidal crisis. Again, I'm not saying her life has to revolve around mine, but I think a little bit of support from her would have gone a long way.

    I don't have IRL friends to talk to because I work at my family's business and haven't really spent time trying to make IRL friends - I've spent every single day with my boyfriend for the last 14 years, which makes this whole situation that much more difficult.

    Back on the subject at hand - it's kind of frightening and amazing how calm I feel now that I actually have the means - and the plan in place - to actually exit this world. I feel strangely at peace. I don't feel panicked, or worried, or unhappy, or upset. I don't NOT want to die. Part of me is still scared about how it will be. Yet I can still sit here and rationally think about it and plan things out and not feel panicky at all.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    NOthing rational about suicide nothing and you can change the person you are with therapy DBT works well and CBT you do not have to stay the kind of person you do not want to be
     
  3. Siferra

    Siferra Member

    How do you change an entire lifetime of being forged into a person who doesn't care? How do you LEARN to care, to think about others? 30+ years of not caring, not thinking... I literally don't even know how to start thinking about making up for things. When my boyfriend would ask for me to make amends for hurting him, I literally could not think of a single thing to do for him to show I actually cared, which is pretty indicative that I don't care.
     
  4. vaguely

    vaguely New Member

    I think that the fact that you are upset with yourself for hurting him shows that you do care. If you didn't care, you wouldn't feel guilty for thinking that you don't care. Guilt is a direct product of caring. I wouldn't expect you to think of something you can do to make up for what happened. Guilty people never can. I myself am hurting for different reasons, but I can see that you clearly care, you just don't believe yourself to be doing a good job of it. No one really does, but that doesn't matter. If you can honestly say that you would be troubled if you found out that your boyfriend was randomly injured (I.e. developed cancer, was in a car accident, something that wasn't your fault or his) then you care. And if you wouldn't be troubled, maybe that's okay. We all feel things in different ways, and how you feel is nothing to be ashamed of.
     
  5. TristanKamp

    TristanKamp New Member

    @ siferra?
    I am the guy you are talking about. Having been in a relationship for years with a girl, whose insecureness and problems seeped into my own life, and corrupted everything, although i did my best to help her. When a person cannot trust themselves, they can trust noone else.
    I am not your ex boyfriend though. But it is merely your situation, from another viewpoint. I have loved this girl, and had nothing alike it with any of the other girls i have been with since we departed years ago, and i thought i would give it a shot this time around. But Noone- no matter how much they love a person- can be with someone who utterly destroys them bit for bit. I would forgive her any day she changed, but it has not happened yet.
    That guy you are reffering to loves you, else he wouldn't allow you to fuck him over. You can still save it- but you need to change. I cannot give a prescription for self-confidence, but cure it- it is the root of everything. Meditate is key.
    # and trust me. I can hardly imagine a worse childhood than mine.
     
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