I'm done

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AngelofPainandMisery, Oct 12, 2015.

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  1. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Fails to communicate effectively

    I am done, I've tried and failed, I can't make anyone understand or listen, I'm wasting my time and everyone elses spilling my guts. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong, but things aren't going to get better regardless what I do.
    I'm just done, if there is an opportunity today I'm taking it, if there isn't one I'll find a way to make one.
     
  2. robroy

    robroy Well-Known Member

    Hold on there Astrid, I think the fact that you are here shows that at least part of you wants to hold on right now. I'm going into lecture right now so I won't be able to respond for another hour or so but I'm thinking about you right now and want to hear more about whats going on.
     
  3. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    I am sorry that you feel that as Astrid, I don't think you have failed, I can't see things through your eyes,an I don't think I have the best eyes in the world, I can see where you are coming form and why, I know that you are not in school so that can't be the issue, would you mind sharing with me what has happened? You know, at least I think you know that I listen to you, I share some of the ways you think about some things! I do understand an listen, you are not wasting time with me! If you share with me today maybe if you are doing something wrong we can find out what it is together, I am sorry to say I hope that you don't have the opportunity or if you do that you don't take it! You are a good and meaningful person please do not leave us, who will champion the animals, Please Stay with us!
     
  4. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Fails to communicate effectively

    Thank you, sorry I had just woke up and everything came flooding back again, just how hopeless my situation is, how much pain I am and how little, and what little I can say, how alone I really am, just how worthless it is to continue. How much I have wasted in my life, just how selfish I am.. everything. I just hate it, I feel so worthless. I really wish and I'm really trying to hold on but I don't know if I can.
     
  5. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Fails to communicate effectively

    Thank you, I'm sorry, I just feel like a complete waste. I don't know what to do,what makes me so unlikable is is something I do or say or behave or what, because everyone seems to sense it, not just in real life but online as well and I don't know what it is. I just wish I could be someone, anyone else but me, it just doesn't matter what I do I can never get it right, its never enough. I don't know what to do and I doubt I can do anything. I have the opportunity right now but I really don't want to go through the hassle of burning my manuscripts yet and then erasing all my electronics, but then who cares if I was dead, I doubt they can read my writing anyways. I'm trying to stay and hold on but it seems so hopeless.
     
  6. robroy

    robroy Well-Known Member

    Astrid im a little confused by why you would have to erase your electronics and burn your manuscripts. More importantly is there anything you have to look forward to at all, even the tiniest thing that makes you happy, that would make you keep living for another day or even a few more hours? I mean anything as simple as a good meal you would like to eat one more time or a tv show you would like to see, maybe there's a movie you've been looking forward to coming out? Anything at all?
     
  7. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Before any thing Astrid! Hugs!!! a whole bunch

    I want to do that, I am not in the habit of hugging people, but I felt that maybe you could use some right Now! I would like it if you did not say you were sorry, 1, You have nothing to be sorry for! I will accept the thank you because I am supposed to be Kind an Polite!
    2 Astrid you are ill, if you were in a hospital and some one brought you something or did something to make you feel better, would you tell them that you were sorry? You are not doing well Astrid, I understand that, You are hurting and having a rough time! I empathize with you, I want to help, if you deserve it you should have it, this forum says that you do, I want to see that it it is done to the best of my ability!, I want to help you to smile and be happy if possible if not tomorrow then someday, You are not a complete waste or anything of the kind! if you are then I am! I am not the greatest thing since Sliced bread but I am not burnt toast either!
    I would say you are like A Sweet Roll or a Danish Pastry, I am making an analogy here! lol rolls eyes!!
    Astrid, I can not stop you from saying You are Sorry, if you feel you have to do it, do it but I do not have to like it, I like you young lady, you are by no means unlikable, I understand that what you are dealing with and going through might make you feel that way! I have to say you are getting the wrong information! I have Found you to be Sweet, loving, gracious unassuming and polite as well, I do not think that you would hurt anyone intentionally You are dealing with something that I have no experience with, the only thing i know right now is that I like you that is all i basically care about, that and the fact I will do everything that i can with my resources to help you to smile and say to me, I have had a good day! Take Care of yourself! and be gentle as you can!
     
  8. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Fails to communicate effectively

    I'd have to erase my electronics because I read and write stuff my parents would never understand, like I have a gigantic collection of pdf on various topics like religion, medical books, anthropology, psychology, economics (and economic theories), philosophy, WW2, quantum theory, etc. several of those topics would appear baffling knowing how my parents are. My writing is not only terrible but also a lot of it would be hard to explain, I don't share my writing because it is too weird and too dark.
    I have my pets and I do really love them but sometimes it is just too much. I love them so much but I wonder sometimes if they would be better off with out me, when they get sick there is nothing I can do. I lost two pets in the last year and there was nothing I could do to save them, my mom says she cares for them, but when they get sick she does so little for them. I can't do anything I should be able to! I should save all of my money to save them, but I'm so greedy and selfish, it's disgusting! I should do more, my mom is always yelling at me that I don't spend enough time with them, that after they die, she will never get anymore because I don't take good enough care of them. Maybe they would be better off without me. I love them so much but I am so useless to help them. I don't get much from anything else, food is just an indulgence and I usually feel guilty anyways, I don't like many movies, and TV is just a distraction and just numbs everything, it only works as long as I watch then everything comes back with vengeance. It's the same with music as long as I listen I can be numb. What was motivating me before was hope that something good could happen to me if I just held on a little longer, if I just tried a little harder, but no. As soon as something that could be good happens, I get crushed, obliterated, destroyed. Yet I end up still wanting to believe something will be better. Another reason was that I made a promise to some one that I'd hang on (right before they said they didn't want to talk to me for "awhile", 5 days before my birthday too) but I just can't anymore. There is nothing to look forward to anymore, things will never get better regardless of what I can do or say or anything.
     
  9. robroy

    robroy Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry nothing's making you happy right now and that I don't have more helpful advice. To be honest sometimes the only thing keeping me moving is just blind,dumb faith that it's worth it somehow. I'm going to have to disagree with you calling yourself selfish and useless so often. You sound like you have a lot of compassion to care about your pets the way you do and you did what you could to keep them alive. A person with your compassion is not useless. Please hold on Astrid the world needs more people who can care the way you do.
     
  10. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Fails to communicate effectively

    Thank you so much :)
    Politeness is something that has been ingrained in me since I was very small, so it's automatic at this point, but I'll try not to do that then. But thank you for your kind words. I have begun to feel a little better now but I don't know if its from really feeling better or just from me distracting myself and being numb. But again thank you so much!
     
  11. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Fails to communicate effectively

    Thank you, you have been helping :)
    Same thing for me often at times, blind faith and impossible hope. But thank you, I am still holding on for another day at least.
     
  12. robroy

    robroy Well-Known Member

    Glad to hear it! Make sure to post tommorow to let us know how your doing:)
     
  13. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Astrid, You are very welcome, you are working very hard, you deserve those words, I wish I could do more, you have a ways to go Astrid, you have just begun on a journey, what I say and do with you helps you to become better, I hope, it gives you the feelings that you can and will do even more and you will do it better, I hope! you have started taking the first steps to being a much more aware person. It is not my doing, I have done nothing,you have worked hard dealing with your heath issues.

    Keep coming here even when you get to feeling down! Keep letting people know how you are doing, Take care of yourself
     
  14. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Fails to communicate effectively

    Thanks, I will. I'm actually a little... pleased I guess... this is the first day I haven't had to self-harm to make the suicidal feeling go away enough to be bearable.
     
  15. robroy

    robroy Well-Known Member

    Are feeling any better today Astrid?
     
  16. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Fails to communicate effectively

    Not really, as the day had gone on, worse, but I'm at school so not alot that can be done.
     
  17. robroy

    robroy Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry:/. Message me later on if you want to talk.
     
  18. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Fails to communicate effectively

    I'll try thank you :)
     
  19. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I was in a severe state of anxiety yesterday so couldn't talk that much, feel free to message me when school finishes for you.
     
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