I'm done

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Chelsea, May 27, 2016.

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  1. Chelsea

    Chelsea Member

    I grew up with my mum and dad but my dad died when I was 13, he had Huntington's disease (My mum said she fell out of love with him because he was disabled) & I got tested for the disease and I have it too. It's basically killing my brain cells and I won't be able to walk, talk, eat or look after myself properly and I will have uncontrollable movements 24/7 - these symptoms are going to start when I'm 30 I know I'm only 19 now but I feel everyone else has a bright future apart from me. Also I have major anxiety I like to be alone, The only time I feel comfortable with people is when I'm drunk I'm always the 'shy one' and all my friends have bailed on me, I don't have a 'best friend' - all my 'friends' go out without inviting me and it sucks. I've had a boyfriend for 6 years we've been on and off (We first got together when we were 13) and I kept breaking up with him because of my anxiety (Even though he didn't actually know this I made up an excuse) I felt like I just needed my own space but I didn't actually want to break up with him it was the only option for time by myself & we would get with other people but they never lasted long because we would break up with them so we could get back together but in January he met this girl and they seem pretty serious, and I asked him if we could try again but he wanted to be with her...He is the only person that I've actually been in love with and the person I was closest too he was literally my bestest friend and now I've lost him, I'm just so angry, if I didn't have my anxiety problems I wouldn't of broken up with him in the first place and we would still be together. I started seeing this guy to try and get over him but it literally lasted 2 months because I had to break up with him even though I didn't want to, I just can't sleep over I HATE it, it literally makes me cry & I don't know why... I feel so trapped I can't even get a job, I had an apprenticeship and I was on a three month trail and they let me go... I did a month work at a bar/restaurant and they wouldn't hire me because I was too shy... I'm so done my life is so pathetic, even if I died the only people that would be there would be my family.
     
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi Chelsea, I am really sorry for what you are going through. Have you sought any professional help for your anxiety? That could make the world of difference to you. I'm sorry you lost the love of your life but you can take your life back and be in control again. Also sorry to hear about huntingsons, i know nothing about it so won't pretend I do. But we are here for you and just so you know, my anxiety is also so severe that some days I cannot leave the house. It is a hell of it's own. But together we can get through this :) I'm glad you joined and welcome to the forum!
     
  3. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Hi Chelsea,

    I'm really sorry to hear about your diagnosis. It must be awful sitting on a ticking time bomb, not knowing fully when it's going to explode. When did you notice that your anxiety issues started becoming a problem? It sounds like you are very anxious, especially socially. A lot of people suffer with anxiety and social anxiety so you are not alone. I used to suffer with both quite badly when I was your age. There's therapy out there that can really help with anxiety and social anxiety. I found that the more I exposed myself to uncomfortable situations e.g. going out in a crowd of people, meeting people I didn't know etc. my distress tolerance grew to that point where my anxiety became tolerable and eventually started to lessen. I still feel uncomfortable in social situations sometimes, but usually once I am out and I am there I am generally not too bad.

    I don't know if you have considered this, but have you considered making yourself a list of things you'd like to do/achieve before you start to get ill? So you don't just feel like you are waiting and moping around for the inevitable to happen? A bucket list so to speak. So things like travelling, doing a skydive, learning to drive, running a marathon, raising money for charity etc. It may give you something to aim for, that will give you pleasure and satisfaction rather than just sitting there depressed and waiting. You know your time on this Earth will be limited but you have a good 10 years ahead of you where you can really make the most out of the life you have got.
     
  4. Chelsea

    Chelsea Member

    Thank you so much for you reply Petal! :) & I've the doctor prescribe me anti-depressants but I only took one and didn't really bother with it, the mental health system sucks because anti depressants can't get rid of anxiety, talking to people can't get rid of my anxiety. & I'm sorry to hear you have anxiety :( It's seriously a thing that people seem to just brush over their shoulder like 'you don't have a problem it's only anxiety' but yes we will get through it! Thank you Petal :D!
     
  5. Chelsea

    Chelsea Member

    Thanks for your reply! & Anxiety has been a problem since I could remember... & I do have a bucket list but it seems like all the things I want to do can never happen because I have no money can't get a job & I'm too awkward to actually do them & I though that might be for me too, I can't tell you how many times I've slept over a guys house and still dread going... I don't actually know how to get help for anxiety? I've told the doctor about it but he just gave me anti depressants. Thanks Butterfly! :D
     
  6. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Do you live in the UK Chelsea?
     
  7. Chelsea

    Chelsea Member

    Yes I do :)
     
  8. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Okay, well if your GP won't refer you for any sort of therapy or counselling then you can self refer to a service called IAPT. You can normally google what IAPT services are available in your area and most of them you can refer yourself to. You normally just phone them and they will arrange a telephone appointment with you and they will see what help they can offer you, or if they feel that they cannot meet your needs they will refer you to your local community mental health team. If you don't feel like you can do this yourself, your GP can do this on your behalf.
     
  9. Chelsea

    Chelsea Member

    Thank you so much! I've never heard of them before? I'll definitely check them out
     
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    You are very welcome. Yes, people do brush off anxiety all too easily, it's a real debilitating illness and should be treated as such but I must stress that anti depressants in fact can help with anxiety, they are not just for depression, but can treat a lot of things. For example, I'm on 2 anti depressants, lexapro and sertraline, both to treat my anxiety, do they help? Most of the time yes, but my anxiety can still get quite bad but I promise you you won't know unless you try! (hugs) to you and I hope this is a first step for you in getting treatment for yourself! We're here for you x
     
  11. Chelsea

    Chelsea Member

    I think I'm going to try anti depressant again, I was scared of weight gain but I think I've had enough now haha! & Thanks so much for your help and support! *HUGS* & Also if you ever need a chat about your anxiety or absolutely anything you can always inbox me I'm here for you too! :)
     
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  12. seadra

    seadra Active Member

    It's nice of you to say that. Sometime victims are the best support
     
  13. Chelsea

    Chelsea Member

    That's very true!! Wise words! :D
     
  14. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Thank you sweetie. We also have a chat room (bottom right hand corner of the forum) if you want to chat in real time. Don't worry too much about the weight gain, just watch your diet while on medications :) Thank you for being there for me too.
     
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