I'm done.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AlexDanish, Nov 11, 2007.

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  1. AlexDanish

    AlexDanish Account Closed

    16 years are going to be erased, as soon as possible.

    I'm tired of walking through life. Trudging through the same bullshit everyday.

    I'm posting here right now because I feel like I have to tell someone. Everyday people will tell me "Life will get better". But, in reality from some people, Life doesn't get better. I don't want 10 years of pain to experience a normal, mediocre life in the end.

    It's like sleeping. It's just nothing. Those are the times I felt most peaceful. I want to feel it, but for a much longer time.
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    You're right, life doesn't always get better, or life is not always what we make it. But you have barely had a chance to try at either. The people who tell you those things have never had to walk in your shoes! The pain of the same thing day after day. Trying to make a difference but in the end it is all the same. It can really tire a person out. It sounds like you are there. Physically and emotionally tired. But the sleep you are looking for is not for just a long time but for ever. Are you really ready for that? Maybe you could just try doing something special for yourself just once. You have started by posting here. There are a lot of people here who have and are experiencing the same feelings as you. There are good people here that will help anyway they can if you let them. We are just like you. Tired of trying to fix everything on our own. Just tired. Go through and read some of the other posts and threads and you won't feel so alone. I care and I feel just like you. Be safe.
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    If you feel like chatting look me up in the forum.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 12, 2007
  4. bleach

    bleach Well-Known Member

    ...I dunno, I think alex makes a lot of sense
  5. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    your right, for some ppl life doesnt get better no matter what they try, i find myself one of these ppl at the moment, yet for some with courage life moves on
    and does get better, it may not be as good as they would hope but better it is, or rather a bit more managable. 10 years of pain? how do you know that with a little bit of courage and the help and understanding of us here that it will be that bad.
    stick around and see what happens, you never know my friend.

    i came here just moments away from ending it all yet i am still here.

    stay safe
  6. AlexDanish

    AlexDanish Account Closed

    No, I want an eternal sleep. Growing up in a christian family, I wondered if "god" would send me to hell if I killed myself. I'll find out then, I guess. But if he would, he would never have been a "god" I would have wanted to worship.

    My best friend, before killing himself, confided a quote to me. "Is it worth drowning in a pool of suffering for one breath of happiness?". It's all the same crap, over and over. There is no more point anymore. I'm just waiting for the right time to kill myself, I guess. (I want to wait until January 11th, so I can kill myself on my birthday. I like the irony, but it depends how long I can last through this shit)

    (I'm not sure if anybody wants my organs. They're pretty fucked from acetaminophen abuse.)
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 12, 2007
  7. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    Have deleted that post, Alex - was insensitive of that member. :hug:
  8. AlexDanish

    AlexDanish Account Closed

    It was slightly out of place. But, I would have donated my organs if I didn't fuck up my first suicide attempt. It would have been nice to do something good before I go.
  9. Starsha

    Starsha Member

    I've suffered from bipolar/manic depressant, social and general anxiety disorder, ocd, adhd, bulimia, border line personality disorder, a cutter, a drug abuser (prescribed and street) since I was 15... I'm in my 30's now and I will be honest with you...

    There were days when things seemed great (manic ups) but they were and are still very few and very far between. I don't have anything to look forward to and feel as you feel... as if I am walking through this mess hoping it will "get better" as EVERYONE keeps telling me it will, but, it never has, so why do I keep going?

    I am sad that you're contemplating this decision, I am sad that I am contemplating this decision, but, in my opinion, in the end, it's OUR decision and people who have not walked in our shoes could never understand.

    Who wants to wake up 15 years later to something that's exactly the same every day over and over with possibly a glimpse of what it could be like to feel/be okay.

    As for the sleeping thing. I am right there with you. When I can sleep (which is not often) I am down for 12-14 hours and those times are the most peaceful. I, like you, long for that "forever sleep".

    If you need to talk. Please, feel free to drop me a PM here.

  10. Mike04

    Mike04 Active Member

    Most of life is reiterating the same boring stuff every day. It only gets boring because it is always the same, and never changing in anyway or form. If you do not want it boring, do something that you never thought you would do.

    Will life get better depends on you. You determine your life, no one nor nothing else does. (Some may argue your envirement has an effect as well.) One thing is certain, however: You define and create your future, no matter how short or long it is.

    If you feel like you do not care much for life anymore, do to having to work with the same (forgive me here -- bullshit) every day is up to you. However, what is the "bullshit"?

    I am certain there is more to this story, and the best way to help is to let out your emotions and feelings. I personally feel like you alot of times, however I have alot of different reasons that define my "bullshit". What are yours?

    Talk with people on these forums if you need to - let out some of the things on your mind.
  11. Reki

    Reki Well-Known Member

    Agree with Mike, life is pretty dull by itself, if you want change you'll need to make the effort to get the ball rolling in a direction you would like to see it going. Although some people do get off on sheer luck by being blessed with the proper childhood/upbringing/environment etc, most of us aren't so lucky and whether you sink or swim depends on you.

    Still, I'm not you and I'm sure there are things I could not possibly take into account as I am not wearing your shoes. I also suffered from depression throughout my middle school and high school years and while it's not completely gone, it's much more livable and from experience it's safe to say if you don't steer your life in the direction you would like to see it move, no one's gonna do it for you. Again though, your life, your decisions and while I wouldn't support suicide, I respect your right to do what you will with your own life. Good luck if you decide to stick it out, pack a portable air conditioner if not. Sorry, couldn't resist.
  12. AlexDanish

    AlexDanish Account Closed

    Hahaha.... That is exactly how I feel. As selfish as this sounds (And I'm sure it sounds very selfish) but what I will tell people is "It's my life, not your life, I'll end it when I want."

    The bullshit is life. My parents were complete assholes to me as a kid, and personally, I don't need to put up with any more physical or verbal abuse from them. And simply living. There isn't any point to it. That may sound like a crock of shit, but it's true. Everyone has huge expectations for me, and simply can't do it. My parents want me to be veterinarian. My grandparents want me to be a doctor. My only friend who knows about this, wants to keep me alive because she knows I will do "Great things". And the bottom line is, I can't. I can't do any of it. I'm not supported at home.

    I tell my parents I don't believe in God, and they kick me out, and won't let me in until I attend church again. I want to be an artist, but I need to get a "real job". Even now, I can't do art because this is all such a lie. Nobody knows who I really am.

    Aside from all that bullshit, there are some other reasons. I made so many mistakes in my lifetime. I've hurt so many people that I don't even deserve to live in the first place.
  13. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    First, I really hate that you're feeling so depressed and "done".

    Second, I'm not tryint to be a smart-ass with this next part, so please don't take it that way. You want to be an artist, and your family wants you to go into human or veterinary medicine...Did you know that there are schools where they teach people to be "medical illustrators"? The school I know about combines fine art and biology, anatomy, surgical theater observation, and so on. The graduates are artists who provide illustrations for things like medical journals and textbooks.

    Could a course like that be a possibility for you - letting you do art, but being in the "medical area" of work your family wants? (Also, you'd get the fine art training and, after you've graduated, you could do any other kind of art on your own time.)

    yeah, I know. It doesn't fix what you're going through right now. I'm just offering it as something to think about, hoping you won't give up.

    hang in there, okay?
  14. AlexDanish

    AlexDanish Account Closed

    I used to hate the fact that I hated myself; If that makes sense. That would make me feel even more pathetic. But I learned to except somewhere down the line.

    And you don't know my family - There is no compromise. That's the bottom line with them.
  15. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    You're right...I don't know your family. I think I was hoping beyond hope that they'd be "reasonable" types. It's too bad they won't bend.

    Me own dad makes me own life tough sometimes. And I don't even live with him! I can appreciate that it can get tense at home for you.

    If you need to vent more, feel free to email me...

    Please be kind to yourself and hang on. :smile:
  16. AlexDanish

    AlexDanish Account Closed

    Heh, I'm hanging on as best as I can
  17. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I'm very, very glad to hear from you and I know you're doing best to hang on!

    PM me if you wish. I'm about to go catch some sleep, but I'll most certainly reply within 24 hours if you want to vent or just chit-chat, luv.

    Take care...You're doing great! :cheer: :hug: :cheer: :hug: :cheer: :hug:
  18. AlexDanish

    AlexDanish Account Closed

    Yeah, I'm talking about it with a close friend tomorrow. But, I also have a doctors appointment for a needle, and it's quite likely he's going to find out about my self-harm. (It's all scabbed and infected, and the old scars...). So, we'll see how this works out...
  19. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I hope it all goes well tomorrow. I'm really happy that you've got a friend you can to talk to and that you're going see your doctor. About your self-harm: Don't fret about the doctor noticing. At some point at some time, a medical person is bound to ask you about the scabs and scars. (I do hope you're using an antibiotic cream on the messy infected ones!)

    I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. Keep going - sounds like you're heading in a good direction tomorrow! :smile: :hug:
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