I'm done.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by HFA88, Dec 20, 2009.

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  1. HFA88

    HFA88 New Member

    I used to post here but lost my ID and thats probably for the best anyway. I didn't like all the censorship I faced here in the chatroom but I enjoyed the company.

    Sobriety sucks. I need to do something. I can't put myself through this bullshit anymore. It's been 6 weeks since I have self-medicated and it needs to end. I know I can't go on. I have been suicidal for years but now that I have hit that low point I think it is time. I have absolutely nothing to live for anymore. At night, the only way I can fall asleep, even after taking sleeping pills, is by thinking of my eventual final act. The thought brings me so much comfort. I just want to do it. I love bridges and thought about jumping off the Ben Franklin but I don't want to take the risk of someone stopping me.

    I plan to reunite with the bottle, plenty of pills, and some weed and take a nice walk into the ocean never to return (I love the beach). It seems like such a serene and peaceful end. I know that would be the best option to ensure I won't be stopped and end up hospitalized or some other bullshit. I have my dress picked out, I want to wear the same one I wore for my college graduation. I just need to pick the date.

    I really don't want to deal with Christmas but I don't want to fuck up the holiday for the people I know who love it, for whatever god damn reason that is. My 22nd birthday is coming up and I am thinking that may be a good date.

    I know you are supposed to tell me not to, I get it. I know my thoughts are maladaptive but I am tired of fighting them. I think life is a choice and I choose not to continue mine. I don't know why I am posting here other than to put it somewhere, in case that may help. It has before, obviously in the short term.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 20, 2009
  2. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    You've beaten it before, you can beat it again. Suicide may seem like the right option but I don't think it is. Things will get better for you, if you want them to, and you'll see the value in life again. Remember that taking your life will only hurt the ones that love you, and they probably won't fully recover from the grief. It isn't worth it. Life offers so much, death offers nothing. You can't feel the relief you desire from killing yourself, because you won't be able to feel anything when you're dead.

    Please choose to stay.
     
  3. HFA88

    HFA88 New Member

    They will recover. I did and I grew to understand it. I am certainly not helping anyone by being here. I have become a toxic influence to most of the people in my life. I am sure nobody would miss the burden I have become, they'd simply miss the idea of me and who they thougth I was. I have lost all connections to my identity and really can't feel anything as it is.

    I know I have been in this bad place before and will probably be here again if I stick around. I am just not feeling like fighting again.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You can fight again give it time and yes the people left behind will NOT get over it it doesn not happen that way. The hopelessness you feel the darkness will cycle out again Until then come here vent talk release the clouded thoughts do what it takes because suicide is NOt the answer never is. Call hospital and go in volunteer and get help stablilize yourself okay you deserve happiness you do so fight for it.
     
  5. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    Just because you recovered doesn't mean that they will, and by they I mean your parents. It will probably be the worst thing that has ever happened to them, and totally isn't worth it. We can't make you change your mind, but we can try and help you to change your mind yourself. Your suffering will get better, you don't have to go down this road. I know you are seeing it as a peaceful and poetic end, but remove the circumstances and it will still just be an ugly and premature death. What has made you feel this way? Is life really that bad that you feel you can't go on? Whatever it is, it will get better, but if you kill yourself, you won't get any better and everyone you know will get worse. Are you willing to trade in 1 feeling of suffering for 10 or 20 feelings of suffering?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 20, 2009
  6. HFA88

    HFA88 New Member

    I know I am different from most people in several ways but I understood when a good friend left me. It sucked at first and it was hard to understand because it was so sudden, thats the benefit my family and friends have, it's all been leading up to this.

    I think my family and friends know and understand that the only reason I have been fighting so hard for the past few years was for them. Mostly for my sister, but after tonight I realize I only hurt her more by being around. My mother also understands these feelings more than most. She used to threaten to kill herself all the time and I usually hoped she would just go through with it instead making us wait up half the night to find out if she did.

    I know it's going to be impossible to justify these thoughts and feelings but this plan brings me relief and can help me through the holidays. If something changes before then and I change my mind then I can always put it off, but I feel like thats all I have been doing. Until then I can put a smile on my face with the knowledge that I have that option and I can make everyone around me feel more comfortable for a little bit.
     
  7. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    It's good to have it as an option if that gives you comfort, as long as you know it's not your only option. I would recommend not going through with it at Xmas time, as it is a time for family and happiness. Leave the option until next year. Who knows, by then you might not even want to go through with it anymore. Personally I think that would be great.
     
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