I used to post here but lost my ID and thats probably for the best anyway. I didn't like all the censorship I faced here in the chatroom but I enjoyed the company. Sobriety sucks. I need to do something. I can't put myself through this bullshit anymore. It's been 6 weeks since I have self-medicated and it needs to end. I know I can't go on. I have been suicidal for years but now that I have hit that low point I think it is time. I have absolutely nothing to live for anymore. At night, the only way I can fall asleep, even after taking sleeping pills, is by thinking of my eventual final act. The thought brings me so much comfort. I just want to do it. I love bridges and thought about jumping off the Ben Franklin but I don't want to take the risk of someone stopping me. I plan to reunite with the bottle, plenty of pills, and some weed and take a nice walk into the ocean never to return (I love the beach). It seems like such a serene and peaceful end. I know that would be the best option to ensure I won't be stopped and end up hospitalized or some other bullshit. I have my dress picked out, I want to wear the same one I wore for my college graduation. I just need to pick the date. I really don't want to deal with Christmas but I don't want to fuck up the holiday for the people I know who love it, for whatever god damn reason that is. My 22nd birthday is coming up and I am thinking that may be a good date. I know you are supposed to tell me not to, I get it. I know my thoughts are maladaptive but I am tired of fighting them. I think life is a choice and I choose not to continue mine. I don't know why I am posting here other than to put it somewhere, in case that may help. It has before, obviously in the short term.