I'm done. Over it. Can't do this anymore.
Been sat.. for hours.. trying to figure out if I have any real options besides suicide. Turns out I don't. Turns out this knowledge doesn't seem to bother me, instead it gives me a sense of release. So tired of feeling this way, of fighting, of everything. Death doesn't frighten me, but the thought of living this life? Terrifies me. And I can't do it. I'm not strong, and if being strong means sticking around to sort this shit out, I don't want to be either. Maybe I gave up a long time ago, or maybe I never tried to start with.
I hurt. All the time. I have no reasons to continue fighting against the tide, staying in this shitty place. I don't have family, or children, or a partner or ANYONE who depends on me. So that's one less thing to worry about. I just have me to look after, and it seems I can't even do that properly.
I'm a fucking bitch, truly I am. I hurt people. I drive people away. I am the cause of all of my shit. And fuck it.. I don't have the strength to face what a disgusting fuck up I am. I can't live with ME anymore. I can't live when I am haunted with memories of my past, with flashbacks, nightmares.. constant fucking pain. I can't live with this loneliness. The hurt. The self loathing. I deserve it, all of it, and it is driving me insane. The past is breaking me, day by day, the present is killing me minute by minute, and it is TOO hard. And... fuck.. it's all my fault. I can't even shift the blame to anyone else. Shit.
I wanted to be a good person. Reach out to others, try and help them.. but the root of it all was for my own selfish needs. I wanted to be liked, and cared about. I'm not selfless, regardless of what the minority of people think, and fuck this shit, I can't. I feel like the whole world is against me, everyone hates me.. and yeah, I know that probably isn't true, but to be honest, rationality doesn't really get a look in when I feel this way.
I really believe that some people are so damaged they are unable to be 'repaired'. And I also really believe I am one of those people. I'm sat staring at the vast amount of pills I have collected over a few months, and I've seriously wracked my brains to see if there is ANY reason to stop me, and there is none. Pathetic, huh?!
Thank you, for all the support I have been given from lovely people on this site. It has been much appreciated and at times saved my life. Please take care of yourselves and each other.
Love and hugs xxx
Been sat.. for hours.. trying to figure out if I have any real options besides suicide. Turns out I don't. Turns out this knowledge doesn't seem to bother me, instead it gives me a sense of release. So tired of feeling this way, of fighting, of everything. Death doesn't frighten me, but the thought of living this life? Terrifies me. And I can't do it. I'm not strong, and if being strong means sticking around to sort this shit out, I don't want to be either. Maybe I gave up a long time ago, or maybe I never tried to start with.
I hurt. All the time. I have no reasons to continue fighting against the tide, staying in this shitty place. I don't have family, or children, or a partner or ANYONE who depends on me. So that's one less thing to worry about. I just have me to look after, and it seems I can't even do that properly.
I'm a fucking bitch, truly I am. I hurt people. I drive people away. I am the cause of all of my shit. And fuck it.. I don't have the strength to face what a disgusting fuck up I am. I can't live with ME anymore. I can't live when I am haunted with memories of my past, with flashbacks, nightmares.. constant fucking pain. I can't live with this loneliness. The hurt. The self loathing. I deserve it, all of it, and it is driving me insane. The past is breaking me, day by day, the present is killing me minute by minute, and it is TOO hard. And... fuck.. it's all my fault. I can't even shift the blame to anyone else. Shit.
I wanted to be a good person. Reach out to others, try and help them.. but the root of it all was for my own selfish needs. I wanted to be liked, and cared about. I'm not selfless, regardless of what the minority of people think, and fuck this shit, I can't. I feel like the whole world is against me, everyone hates me.. and yeah, I know that probably isn't true, but to be honest, rationality doesn't really get a look in when I feel this way.
I really believe that some people are so damaged they are unable to be 'repaired'. And I also really believe I am one of those people. I'm sat staring at the vast amount of pills I have collected over a few months, and I've seriously wracked my brains to see if there is ANY reason to stop me, and there is none. Pathetic, huh?!
Thank you, for all the support I have been given from lovely people on this site. It has been much appreciated and at times saved my life. Please take care of yourselves and each other.
Love and hugs xxx