I'm done..

[lostbutnotfound]

I'm done. Over it. Can't do this anymore.

Been sat.. for hours.. trying to figure out if I have any real options besides suicide. Turns out I don't. Turns out this knowledge doesn't seem to bother me, instead it gives me a sense of release. So tired of feeling this way, of fighting, of everything. Death doesn't frighten me, but the thought of living this life? Terrifies me. And I can't do it. I'm not strong, and if being strong means sticking around to sort this shit out, I don't want to be either. Maybe I gave up a long time ago, or maybe I never tried to start with.

I hurt. All the time. I have no reasons to continue fighting against the tide, staying in this shitty place. I don't have family, or children, or a partner or ANYONE who depends on me. So that's one less thing to worry about. I just have me to look after, and it seems I can't even do that properly.

I'm a fucking bitch, truly I am. I hurt people. I drive people away. I am the cause of all of my shit. And fuck it.. I don't have the strength to face what a disgusting fuck up I am. I can't live with ME anymore. I can't live when I am haunted with memories of my past, with flashbacks, nightmares.. constant fucking pain. I can't live with this loneliness. The hurt. The self loathing. I deserve it, all of it, and it is driving me insane. The past is breaking me, day by day, the present is killing me minute by minute, and it is TOO hard. And... fuck.. it's all my fault. I can't even shift the blame to anyone else. Shit.

I wanted to be a good person. Reach out to others, try and help them.. but the root of it all was for my own selfish needs. I wanted to be liked, and cared about. I'm not selfless, regardless of what the minority of people think, and fuck this shit, I can't. I feel like the whole world is against me, everyone hates me.. and yeah, I know that probably isn't true, but to be honest, rationality doesn't really get a look in when I feel this way.

I really believe that some people are so damaged they are unable to be 'repaired'. And I also really believe I am one of those people. I'm sat staring at the vast amount of pills I have collected over a few months, and I've seriously wracked my brains to see if there is ANY reason to stop me, and there is none. Pathetic, huh?!

Thank you, for all the support I have been given from lovely people on this site. It has been much appreciated and at times saved my life. Please take care of yourselves and each other.

Love and hugs xxx

 

[Angie]

Donna love, you are not selfish, not a fuck up, and I love you dearly. I haven't spoken in a few days so I don't really know what is going on but I DO know this, ending your life isn't the answer. Life is so much pain sometimes it seems impossible to bear, I understand this. I'm struggling with it myself.

But I believe there are answers that include living. I believe there can be happiness again. It is a matter of finding it. Of changing the way we think about ourselves and the world around us.

This is so hard to do, this change. But I know you can change your thoughts and in doing so change your emotions and that puts you on the way to being better.

Donna I really don't know if you will read this, I may be too late, but what you need to do is get yourself to a&e and get help. I don't care how, but you have to. Call a friend or an ambulance if you need to.

Let people help you. I think maybe you believe you don't deserve help, but you are wrong, you DO deserve help.

Luff you girl with all my heart and I am here for you if you want to talk.

Think over what I've said.

 

[total eclipse]

Hi Please Donna listen to TK okay call crisis call emergency but get some help for you YOu do deserve help okay you deserve happiness peace so please throw away all those pills just throw them out okay and pick up the phone now and get help Let us know how youare doing okay You do matter to me and to others here you do matter okay hugs

 

[BornFree]

Donna.... NOOOO....OOO....OOOOOO!!!!
You are SO NOT a Fuck up, or a Bitch or the cause of your probs or selfish.... you are NONE of those things OK Seriously!!!!!

Honestly you are one of the kindest, most supportive and caring people I know! You are one of life's few precious Angels... !!!

Now its time to care for you ok!!! Call Crisis Team ok....???? PLEASE Tell them EVERYTHING!!!!! No sugar coating and get the help and care you deserve... ALLOW them to help you get better so you can feel better...!!! None of this is your fault its the stupid illness ok, you didn't ask for any of this... the same as no one asks for a shark attack, heart attack or any other illness... its like a cancer - there is no shame, but you need help so Call NOW!!!!!

Loves you to the moon and back and freaking and hping and even praying you are ok!!!

Hugs and mega love xxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Fitzy]

Sweety I hope you are still with us. I'm on my way to work but will check in later today.
If you see this - I'm sending love xxxxxxx
Do one thing for me please - read your own post and try to think what you would say to someone else who had written it.
xxxxxxxxxxx

 

[lostbutnotfound]

Well I'm still here. Fuck my life.

Got hammered last night after I wrote this post, and necked a load of pills, but have been throwing up a LOT since then, so I think they have all come up. I am SUCH a fucking failure. Can't even do THIS properly. Also cut way too deep last night, but can't remember doing it, just woke up to it. Lovely. I'm fucking disgusting. I just want to curl up into a ball and die. I'm still throwing up, and it's really adding to the whole 'I feel like shit' feeling.

Such a failure. Such a fuck up. I don't know what to do anymore.

 

[total eclipse]

Please go to hospital okay meds still can do harm get checked out get help okay hugs to you

 

[BornFree]

Oh Donna.... I am so sorry you're so sick, PLEASE call Crisis Team - let them come to you or let them ring ambulance for you at least to help you with vomiting and stop the cut getting infected.
you know I love you and don't wanna lecture you but you know what you'd say if it were anyone else... PLEASE just think about it Hun!!!

Hugs always
Loadsa love xxxxx

 

[Fitzy]

I'm really pleased you failed in your attempt!!
Please get yourself checked out.
We're all in this together so stick around.
:console:

 

[Stranger1]

It sounds to me that you have plenty of people who love you and care what happens to you.. Your suicidal thoughts are part of depression.. It lies to you and gives you a kick in the pants.. Don't beleive it.. Call your hospital now and seek there help..Suicide is not the option you want.. TE is right about what kind of damage alot of pills can do.. You can do kidney damage and liver damage..Either way it is not the way to die.. It is very painfull..I hope you do the right thing and get help..

 

[LunaLovegood108]

Honney... I honestly can't understand something. I love you so much, and i know you're hurting. But... "I don't have anyone who depends on me"... I'm not sure what to say. I have stuck by your side for the whole time i've known you. I talk to you every day on Skype for several hours. I tell you things i don't tell anyone else, and you do the same. I've stuck by you through this hard time. And you say you have no one? Hun, this hurts. I try to tell you every day how much i depend on you, and how i don't have any other friends, and how little support i get at home. You are everything to me. I love you so much. I'm hurt when you're hurt, i'm happy when you're happy, and i stay up full nights to try to talk you out of harming yourself. You are the only one who is keeping me from Self-Injuring all the time, and killing myself (i know you think you aren't, but i'm not sure you understand how suicidal *I* am). How could you say that you have no one, and that makes it so much easier? I thought i counted as someone...

I really hope you feel better. You're not online on Skype, but you might be online here. I hope you're not feeling okay now.

 

[lostbutnotfound]

Still here, been throwing up since my last post on and off, though in the past few hours it has seemed to have lessened slightly, and am feeling a bit better than I did yesterday. I've spent a lot of time sleeping too, as it made me quite drowsy.

I know some people have advised me to seek medical advice, but I figure seeming as I have been sick a LOT and have drank water etc to keep my fluids up, there is little point in wasting someone else's time. Also, seeming as I just came out of the psych hospital, I am worried that they would try and force me to back in there again.

Thanks for everyones kind words.

 

[total eclipse]

Any way of going into your regular doctor and just asking for some blood work to be done to make sure kidneys not liver not affected okay just to be safe get some blood work done hugs

 

[lostbutnotfound]

My liver and kidneys are already damaged due to alcohol misuse and previous ODs. I guess this hasn't helped =/

I'm really frightened that they are going to force me back to psych hospital. My normal doctor talks to my consultant psychiatrist a lot because they deem me incapable of making 'adequate decisions'. And they are already taking 'serious measures' to ensure my safety. If I go and ask for bloods they will ask why and I will have to answer questions. Plus.. the desire to die hasn't gone away, so if this has caused more damage.. i know this sounds sick.. but I'll be pleased. Oh God, I disgust myself. I am so sorry. Fuck

 

[total eclipse]

don't be sorry okay i know it is hard dam depression it hurts. I don't want you to suffer okay just tell them you feel tired and need to some blood work done to see why you have less energy and light headed Just let them know you don't feel well that all I know it is hard to reach out your afraid but you have to look after you okay i don't want you to suffer anymore pain physically as well as emotionally Just try okay ask doc to just run some blood test to see why you are not feeling well hugs

 

[Fitzy]

It seems that your doctors are failing to keep you safe. Is anything they do helping you?
xxxxxx

 

[lostbutnotfound]

Not really. I have three mental health workers, and have to see atleast one of them once a week, alongside a telephone contact weekly. This usually gets increased as they deem me as 'high risk' or they refer me to the crisis team for daily contacts. At first, seeing the mental health workers was voluntary, but now I have no choice in the matter. The problem is, my main care co-ordinator is someone whom I don't overly like or trust, and she is the one I see most, which has, in turn, caused ructions. I don't see my GP that much, due to the fact I don't leave my flat because of severe anxiety, and the past couple of appointments with my consultant psychiatrist I have cancelled due to my fears of leaving the flat.

I'm currently not on any medication either, as when I was pissed off, I kicked up a stink (basically acted like a child) and said I didn't want anything. Also, since my stint in the psych hosp, they apparently don't trust me with medication, and they want to see how I react to being on no meds for a short while. I've been on medication (different ones) for 8 years, and the last ones I was prescribed stopped working after a while just like the rest.

It just seems like everything is a dead end

xxxxxx

 

[kylee]

This was the first thread I read on this site. As I read it I actually started to cry in fear that you took your own life. I was genuinely happy when I saw that you didn't. Even though we don't know each other, you brought me happiness by not doing anything rash.

 

[Fitzy]

Can you request a different care coordinator? It seems like there's a lot of activity on the part of the 'professionals' but not much in the way of results. Would your GP or psych do a home visit?
It's crackers isn't it - being too ill to get to appointments? I have to go to my appt on Monday or I will be discharged - not very helpful!
Is anyone doing anything that helps, like supporting you to get out of your home?
xxxxxx

 

[lostbutnotfound]

Kylee.. thanks for your kind words. Welcome to SF and I hope you find the support useful :hug:

Fitzy.. I've already discussed (well had an argument) in regards to changing my main care coordinator twice.. to no avail. She is the head of the team, therefore most experienced, and only has the top scale 'clients' .. way to make me feel special huh?!

The GP has had to a couple of emergency home visits lately, but they don't like doing it, and the receptionists get shitty with me which upsets me more. You're right, it is awful when it gets to the stage when you are too ill to make your appointments. Sigh. No one has attempted to get me to leave the flat lately, as they have seen the state I get into when I try to go out. Sometimes I can manage going to the corner shop, which is two minutes away, but that is usually only rarely and if drunk. How embarrassing.

Oh God, the throwing up has lessened, but I'm fed up of being sick now. I hope it lets up soon =/

I hope your appt goes okay on Monday though hon. I hate appts
xxxxxxx