Well, I always come to this crossroads where it feels like I'm going to go the way of no return, but then I somehow always veer the other way and avoid it. Tonight, the only thing that gives me hope is the thought of leaving the planet. They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Well I've been insane a long time, but now I'm doing different things and the results are still the same. A lot of things have fallen through lately - friends, hopes, family, support. I just got home a little while ago from an appointment with my psychiatrist, with my parents driving and coming in as usual. It doesn't sound like it, but I had the small victory awhile back of getting half the session without them in there. Well I have realized it doesn't make a damn bit of difference really. He talks to me, acts interested, and then my parents come in. He talks to them to get their impression of how I've been doing. Well I act happy for them most of the time, but sometimes I just can't swing it. My parents say I seem kind of grumpy sometimes and then they all laugh together and nothing changes. I can't change psychiatrists because my parents pay and they think he's the best doctor. I suppose I could not go to anyone. Maybe it wouldn't really be any different. It's not going to matter anyway I guess. They won't have to put up with any appointments at the psychiatrist anymore.... He asked me tonight what I thought about coming to see him, and I couldn't say it. I wanted to say I think it's a fucking joke, but I don't think anything would have changed. I have told everyone I am suicidal. The doctor seems to ignore that, my parents don't take it seriously, and my friends stopped calling. I got off Facebook and nobody even noticed. If I get off the planet nobody is going to even notice. The problem I am having tonight is that even though I am in so much pain and have everything ready, I realize it would be a really shitty thing to do on Thanksgiving. I do feel ready to leave the planet tonight though. I don't think anyone can save me anymore.