i'm done!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by smanon83, Nov 23, 2011.

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  1. smanon83

    smanon83 Member

    Well, I always come to this crossroads where it feels like I'm going to go the way of no return, but then I somehow always veer the other way and avoid it. Tonight, the only thing that gives me hope is the thought of leaving the planet. They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Well I've been insane a long time, but now I'm doing different things and the results are still the same.

    A lot of things have fallen through lately - friends, hopes, family, support. I just got home a little while ago from an appointment with my psychiatrist, with my parents driving and coming in as usual. It doesn't sound like it, but I had the small victory awhile back of getting half the session without them in there. Well I have realized it doesn't make a damn bit of difference really. He talks to me, acts interested, and then my parents come in. He talks to them to get their impression of how I've been doing. Well I act happy for them most of the time, but sometimes I just can't swing it. My parents say I seem kind of grumpy sometimes and then they all laugh together and nothing changes. I can't change psychiatrists because my parents pay and they think he's the best doctor. I suppose I could not go to anyone. Maybe it wouldn't really be any different. It's not going to matter anyway I guess. They won't have to put up with any appointments at the psychiatrist anymore.... He asked me tonight what I thought about coming to see him, and I couldn't say it. I wanted to say I think it's a fucking joke, but I don't think anything would have changed.

    I have told everyone I am suicidal. The doctor seems to ignore that, my parents don't take it seriously, and my friends stopped calling. I got off Facebook and nobody even noticed. If I get off the planet nobody is going to even notice.

    The problem I am having tonight is that even though I am in so much pain and have everything ready, I realize it would be a really shitty thing to do on Thanksgiving. I do feel ready to leave the planet tonight though. I don't think anyone can save me anymore. :(
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun print off what you have said here and send it to the psychiatrist okay maybe if he reads the words he will understand jsut how sad you are hun .
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    TE is right...the doctor should be treating YOU...or when you are alone with him, let him know how you are feeling...also ask your parents, when you all are not there, if you can have more time alone with him...that is a good sign to want to talk more about what is going on...your parents are there because they are concerned (for both you and them), but also see what you can get out of the time you are permitted to have without them...and know, many of us act very different than our internal experiences when around loved ones...that is also a sign of caring...please continue to post and know that there is much caring here as well
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