im done

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lav11, Jul 18, 2012.

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  1. lav11

    lav11 Well-Known Member

    i just want to die.. i dont see any other options at the moment....
     
  2. rb21

    rb21 Member

    What's wrong? First, I want you to make a list of 2 things, no matter how silly they seem, that might make it worth staying alive for. This has stopped me from doing bad things to myself many times. Write out those 2 things, then tell me what's wrong that makes you feel like this. Hope to hear a reply soon.
     
  3. lav11

    lav11 Well-Known Member

    two things.....

    1. if i fail i'll get kicked out of my accomodation if they find out..
    2. My sister, brother and friends would probably be upset if i died..

    Child protection and the child abuse police cops were called on my mother and the guys cause i told my Therapist about the abuse.. But unless I open up more they can't investigate, but i dont want them to investigate.. I want the abuse to stop but them doing there stupid investigations wont do that.. I want to be dead, i want all these people to stop pretending that they care and just admit even if i did tell them everything they would still do nothing. The only way out of this is to die. Theres no point even giving it a shot in telling them because ive done it all before and theres no point staying alive because i dont want to live like this.. i just want to die...
     
  4. rb21

    rb21 Member

    I don't want to make assumptions, but understand that anything I'm saying is just me trying to help you, or to understand your situation better to help you. You said you don't want to open up more to let them investigate. If they investigate, do you think that something could be done to help you from this abuse? Are you afraid that if there is an investigation that the abuse will become worse in the present? Maybe you could research some organisations in your area that could provide you with preemptive protection as you are telling them things and letting them investigate. Also, I'd like to know how old you are if you don't mind. It might let me help you better. Though I'm just some random voice on the internet forum, understand that there is someone RIGHT now, in this world that sincerely wishes you would continue to live.
     
  5. lav11

    lav11 Well-Known Member

    thanks
    ive had these agencies involved before... every time its the same process and everytime its the same outcome.. ive opened up in the past and i got cut down each time..
    this time they have more information to go on, they know about a significant number of events as its my Therapist who told them so everything ive told her has been reported..
    Im scared that if i tell them and the continue the investigation itll be way worse just as its done everytime before.. its better to not have any agencies involved for this reason it just makes them angry with me :(

    im 16.. ive been removed from home and not technically allowed back to live with my mother and them but the house ive been placed in is about 5 minutes away from where they live and ill get in trouble if i dont go and see her when she tells me to..

    thanks. it means alot :)
     
  6. rb21

    rb21 Member

    Also, do not consider failing in school as a solution to this problem. I know it sounds cliche and everyone has probably said this to you many times, but please please listen to me. Academic success, or at least finishing high school (and ideally college/university) is strongly linked to more money and longer life. Basically the more education you get the more money you can get and longer life you can live. I know that money and long life isn't everything. But being poor and sick definitely doesn't help anything when it comes to depression, that's all i'm sayin!
     
  7. lav11

    lav11 Well-Known Member

    yeah im still in school amazingly,
    if im alive may as well continue my education, i dont mind going i do have good friends so for the most part its enjoyable i guess...
    dont care to much for the future however..
     
  8. rb21

    rb21 Member

    Here's something that I do sometimes too, if listing those 2 things doesn't help. It's kinda sad to do, but it could help. Think about what would happen if you killed yourself. Imagine anyone you know: your brother & sister, friends, teachers, counselors, and even those who are causing you to feel like killing yourself. How would it make each of them feel. The hardest to imagine are those who make you feel like killing yourself. You may imagine that it will make them feel sorry for how they made you feel. If it makes them feel sorry and regret making you feel horrible, how does it help you? You are no longer there for them to apologize to, to care for etc. If they wouldn't give a s#!t that you died, what the heck is the point of killing yourself to make them feel sorry for it? The best thing you can do for yourself is to be a f*cking badass in life and making everyone that ever doubted you sorry that they did!! Then you will look back and know that they were wrong, that they were idiots for doing what they did or thinking like they did.
     
  9. lav11

    lav11 Well-Known Member

    my brother and sister would probably be upset i dont know.. i know what its like to lose people i know to suicide and a big sister would be hard i guess... i dont know
    same with my friends..

    i dont really know my teachers to good, im just the shy one sitting up the back that never really talks in class..

    My Therapists yeah.. i dunno.. it probs be a pretty selfish thing to do but i dunno.. less work for them??

    as for those who have hurt me.. i dont think they would feel guilty at all.. i think its just expected that i will end up dead within not to long and it would probably make them happy to see me gone.. I wouldnt be able to dob them in to the authorities if i were dead..

    I was told if i died that a full blown investigation would take place into the abuse though.. charges would be pressed.. If i died i wouldnt want those people to get into trouble.. i hate them yeah but mostly they are my family and i dont want them in jail...
     
  10. rb21

    rb21 Member

    I feel like you're a bit conflicted. You love your family yet are convinced they don't love you. I can see how that kind of conflicted thoughts would lead you to no real solution... :(

    How long until you are going to university?
     
  11. lav11

    lav11 Well-Known Member

    i know they dont love me.. i love my brother and sister but i dont love the rest of my family, i accept that they are family/ family friends and for that reason and that reason alone i wouldnt want them hurt. but i dont love them or care for them or have any such feelings, i just respect that you shouldnt betray those who have been your whole life in such a manner that you would be willing to put them in jail.. an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind sort of thing..

    i would finish high school this year if it werent for all the events that happened last year.. Because of that i cant finish until next year :S
     
  12. rb21

    rb21 Member

    I know it will sound so stupid, but there is someone in your future who will love you so much that you will forget about all this bullsh*t. You will wake up every day and just for a second you'll forget, then you'll look over to see them laying next to you and you'll be so happy you're alive and that this person is there for you. Now there is nobody who can help you or support you, but if you just hang on then I'm so sure you will find someone like that. Someone you can tell all of your problems to and will listen to everything that happened to you and will love you with all of their heart. And it will be a feeling unlike anything you have known before. You will have a support, a shoulder to cry on when you need to, and someone who would do anything for you. If you believe in this it will happen, I guarantee. Though you don't know it now, this person is out there somewhere and just waiting for the events that will lead you two to meet. I have had someone like that so I can tell you it is worth waiting for... I know it's hard to picture someone like that when your life has been complete crap so far.. But I ask you for this future person's sake to stick around and wait for them...

    My this person tried to kill herself when she was about your age by taking a bunch of pills. Thank god or whoever that she failed, because she makes my life so much better and also stopped me from killing myself too by listening to my problems. If there was someone at that time who had stopped her then I would be eternally grateful.. So I hope that I can stop you from feeling this way or doing this for your future person's sake... Just consider it please, no matter how hopeless it seems right now :(
     
  13. lav11

    lav11 Well-Known Member

    thanks..

    i just.. i just really cant anymore.. im trying to hang on hour by hour by its really difficult :(
    i dont want to.. i dont want a future i just want death :'(
     
  14. rb21

    rb21 Member

    honestly i feel the same way as you, i just want to die. i hoped i could help someone's life have hope before i did that to myself.
    you know what, forget everyone's definition of what a future is, success is, etc. just need to go for what makes you happy! what would be an ideal life for you? not talking about the future. what if right now you could have a different life: how would it be like?
     
  15. lav11

    lav11 Well-Known Member

    im sorry your feeling this way as well :(

    to be happy right now id probaly want to know that i wouldnt be hurt again, to be able to actually be in the present not worrying about the future and not haveing flashbacks over the past. I wanna work on moveing out into my own house or flat or something so i dont have to worry about workers seeing bruises or cuts etc from the abuse and being questioned on it.. and..umm... i wanna get a dog :O
    that and get my school assignments done so i can just relax and not have to be constantly worrying...

    i think id be happy with that..

    :3
     
  16. lav11

    lav11 Well-Known Member

    i think the dog might have to be a thing for the future though :S
     
  17. rb21

    rb21 Member

    nothing wrong with that! simple happy things can make life worth it :) like a cute dog :) i support you to kick ass in school and go get a great education and move to your own place, and i hope you can meet that person who will help you to not worry about the future! and you'll be all awesome with that person and a cute little dog and smiling every day :)
     
  18. lav11

    lav11 Well-Known Member

    yeah i dunno.. im trying :/

    got so much school work atm.. trying to write a stpry at the moment but i cant even think.. everything is just screaming at me to attempt and stuff school work but yeah i know :3
     
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