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I'm done...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ajean, Sep 4, 2012.

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  1. Ajean

    Ajean Well-Known Member

    I hurt so much, you dont even understand.

    I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. Every day is worse than the day before.

    I have to do this.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I do understand that pain hun so i hope hun in hell you go to hospital or call someone ok crisis line your doc or keep talking here so you know your not alone.
    You do not have to do leave to get rid of the pain hun you have to reach out for the help that is there ok hugs
  3. Damask

    Damask Well-Known Member

    Says who?

    I saw otherwise.

    I say, you don't have to.

    I say, you shouldn't at all.
  4. Ajean

    Ajean Well-Known Member

    You don't understand the overwhelming physical pain I have to endure.
  5. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Get an appointment with a doctor who can help resolve whatever issue is causing the pain.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    What physical pains are you going through hun?
  7. Ajean

    Ajean Well-Known Member

    Oh, didnt think of that one...

    What kind of idiot do you people think I am?! I've made post after post about my illness, I've even made the worlds longest post titled "A (hopefully) all inclusive explanation of my illness" which has details about me getting thrown from one department of the hospital to another. OF HOW I HURT. Shit people. Its not that hard to actually go look at what I've said before instead of posting mindless, repetitive, unhelpful things.

    Congratulations, you have done nothing but affirm my suspicion that NO ONE PAYS ANY ATTENTION.
  8. Damask

    Damask Well-Known Member

    Um, that's really unfair to expect that everyone is going to have seen every single post or thread you've ever made ever.

    Especially when they just want to help.
  9. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    Ajean, I have read your diary, and am going to note that part of posting a diary as listed in the forum, is that if you post there, it's with the intention of not having others respond (the ability to reply to diary posts is removed except for you to be able to do that). So, I am going to step outside of that, because you are asking here, and say that I have actually read your diary on here, the entire thing, top to bottom, including the added details in the other replies you put in.

    I want to ask you, where exactly is the pain? You mentioned needles going into your head, and a back injury (disc), and stomach ulcers etc... but I am trying to figure out why they were putting the pain medication into your skull/head?

    Are you saying that you have severe migranes, or they just thought that would be a good place to put the medication? I am a bit unclear on that one, that or I misread something that you wrote?

    I am trying to figure out what is the biggest pain for you right now, the most constant, and where is it located? I know you are saying there is pain in many different places; and I get that because you mentioned you are facing a few different medical conditions (having pneumonia too you mentioned, so lungs now as well etc...)?

    Is it possible that your immune system is attacking itself? have you had that checked? I mean there are still so many other things that are not being checked here. If you truly are getting infections constantly, and have pain that cannot be explained, is it possible that there is inner inflammatory problems, or that something is attacking your cells inside?

    I believe you have pain, and I believe that doctors are not taking it seriously enough, and give up when a case like yours comes in the door, where it's not "textbook" diagnosable, so they just sort of take the shortcut with stupid medications...and leave it at that.

    I imagine you are beyond frustrated that no one seems to care to figure out what it is, they only want to treat you so that you are fine to go home, and leave it at that. Obviously figuring out the real cause, would get you the proper medication, and would help resolve it. I can imagine the anger you feel... at your body for failing you so often.

    At the medical system, for being so lazy and blatantly ignorant of your needs.

    I am especially sorry that they denied you entrance to pain management, because the other members were older, and they might have had an attitude problem with you being there. I cannot believe they said that to you and left you hanging!? WTF?

    Ajean I have a suggestion for you, which you might find to be utterly stupid... but I am going to ask you to consider trying it anyway, because either way you are in pain no matter what... right? Doesn't matter if you do something or don't... the pain is still always there at the moment. What I would like for you to consider is in this video and can be explained in this video:


    There is also another member I spoke with on here, and even others.... and some of them, just like you, are facing massive physical ailments, and might not be able to really move... but one of them told me about how he works out, and at least tries some things for himself. I recommended to him, (he also has back issues) swimming. Because your buoyancy in water is a lot, meaning the weight will feel less, in water. It supposedly helps... though if you have any kind of lung problem that is active right now that might be out of the question, otherwise please consider that as well, at least as something that can give you a moment of peace in terms of movement, and weight carrying.

    On a final note, I am going to touch base on something that is absolutely unrelated to your physical ailments... and that something is your significant other. You said he is amazing, and if he really sticks by your side, when everyone else leaves you to go run off and do superficial things (honestly it's a waste of a body to basically cut it up, pierce the crap out of it, needle it up, and drink too much, and smoke whatever, and eat a bunch of junk food etc... that is not a good time either, and the body will repay them whatever they nourish it with too... so I mean, if that is what your "friends" and former schoolmates are all off doing, it's not really that much of a "quality" life..., I am sure you absolutely know where the real quality lies in. I know you referred to them just meaning what other people your age can get up and easily do, and you are struggling just to walk down a hallway etc...).

    This significant other, would be beyond crushed if you just cut yourself off from life so early. He would wonder what he could have done, and would feel so guilty that as a protector, and provider (being a man) that he could not even do any of those things for you. He would feel so bad that you felt those things you feel now physically was more important to get rid of, than to stay with him, and keep trying to work on life with him by your side.

    I can say so much more on this, but that is not fair to what you deserve, not fair to what can happen in your future that could be different, and not fair to any effort that relationship ever had put into it either.

    You can do so much better than what your pain is making you feel like right now. You can do so much better than what your thoughts are leading you to feel too. You know it's not an overnight "better" guarantee, I won't promise you fake shit here, and won't prescribe you useless drugs that you are allergic too... but I will say what I just did, and offer what I could based on what you said now... which what I have said considers your specific conditions and problems. What I have said for once, at least has considered what you are dealing with.

    I hope that can help lift your spirits a little bit, because it seems so many different things and people have already disappointed you, or made you feel like you are ignored, and outcast, and as if nobody gives a shit.

    I wish the professional world would offer you more professional attitudes and conduct, honestly, I mean it is fair for you to expect them to not give up, and to expect them to figure it out, and to expect them to be cautious about your allergies, and to work around it, for your sake etc... to "help" you get better.

    Again, I apologize for the medical and professional communities being just so cold.

    I also apologize for the way you always feel like you constantly have to repeat yourself, and as if nobody ever really gets it anyway, no matter how many times you repeat it, and then feeling as if you should have not said anything at all by the end of it.

    I can feel that anger you have now, and that resentment. I can see it, and I can sense you might be hurt by having to feel so hurt to begin with. It's not what you wanted at all. It's not what you asked for, and no one else seems to be stuck in it... "it's not fair".

    I sense that you are reaching out so heavily right now, and really need some people on your team. You really need more people who understand you, and who feel for you, and who are rooting for you, and whose encouragement is not just a bucket with a hole in the bottom... that makes everything you put into it just fall out anyway.

    Ajean, don't forget that your BF sees value in you beyond your physical ailments, and pain. He sees someone that he feels he should spend time with, and support, and get to know, and love etc...

    I hope you can see that in yourself, that you are worthy of that, and that you deserve that too, because in saying what you say here, and believing it... you are indefinitely pushing away all the good things too, good things like what he offers, and good things like the things he sees in you, that you are not seeing in yourself right now.

  10. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Exactly. I have not seen your other posts. I think people are trying to help, is that not why you posted?
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 6, 2012
  11. Ajean

    Ajean Well-Known Member

    WWell dont you think that you should before trying to recommend things? If I say I'm sick of being in pain, dont you think that would mean that I've been in pain for some time now? And that I may have made reference to it before? Just posting things like 'go see a doctor' isn't going to help me, at all. I've done that years ago.

    And Samara, I have Chronic Migraines. Which if you ask any healthcare professional, they'll probably tell you its impossible. The pnuemonia passed...
    As for the exercize, I did yoga every day until I got sick. Now I'm not even strong enough to hold a downward dog. I don't have the energy to do anything like swimming, running, nor do i have the basic balance needed.
    Physical pain is entirely different then being damaged. When trying to execise for 20 minutes leaves you crying on the floor for the next 8 hours, its pretty much impossible to push yourself to do it. Theres no reward. You dont get better, you just make it harder to get through the rest of the day.

    And the friends, its not that I want to go out drinking and such. Its that I'm young, I'm supposed to be able to do things I want to do. These are the years where you can drink all night and wake up barely hungover. I can't even go see a movie. I can't eat out. I can't even read a book. I spend all of my time inside, alone, in inexplicable pain.

    And the 'significant other' has pretty much decided he wants absolutely nothing to do with me.

    You just dont understand living every moment in pain. And you wouldn't unless you've had to live through it, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It is worse than being alone, it is worse than being left behind, it is worse than being overlooked.
  12. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    I do not think you are 'done' at all, even if at times the emotional pain can be debilitating. All you need to do is look within yourself to find something to keep you going, or at the least something around you that will allow your thoughts to wander away from whatever is ailing you, even for a few brief seconds or minutes. It does nt have t be big - sometimes sitting outside and watching a blade of grass sway in the breeze or an ant navigating its way over the cracked footpath is enough to give you a little relief from what you afe going though.
    The World is big and the pain can seem even bigger most times,=, but more often than not,=, the smallest, insignificant things we al take for granted in life can bring us the most comfor and let us continue on in our lives for that extra few seconds.
  13. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Okay, I have completed the research as you requested... but I have the same conclusion to offer. See a doctor who can maybe help. If they cannot help, then see another... or another. What else can you do other than continue to seek out a solution? Suicide is not a solution to anything. My son died by suicide and the pain I have to face every day without him is beyond belief. All I have left is to hope people like you do not do the same thing. Get some help. Keep seeing professionals until one finds the right cure or combination for you, or until they help you find ways to cope. I understand you are in pain, but you have to keep looking for a positive answer.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 6, 2012
  14. letmedisappear

    letmedisappear Well-Known Member

    Hey, sorry for being so late for this, but I found your post and I just can't help but respond...

    First, I hope you are still there :)

    What you say about no one understanding your pain... well, you're completely right. Entirely.

    My father risked his life and lept down a flight of stairs to try to catch me when I was young. He landed into the hospital, but was too stubborn to get any surgery or get checked out too thoroughly. Less than five years later, he has irreversible damage to the discs in his back. This happened when I was about one. I am now sixteen, seventeen in a few months. He has arthritis everywhere, two bad knees, lumps on his arms and back that he refuses to get checked out... he is a medical mess and has been living like that for years. Every morning, he wakes up and goes to work to support his family, despite the extreme pain he has just by laying down, by sitting, by standing and walking and driving a car. He winces with every movement when rain is coming. Yet he's been living on for more than a decade in pain. He always tells me and my brother that we have no idea, the pain he deals with. We can complain about school all we want, but he has to do the same amount of work - probably more - in the condition he's in. We will never understand. No one will.

    But he doesn't use his pain as an excuse to give up. He may hurt, but he refuses to live life as if handicapped. He is determined to live life to the fullest, regardless of pain. I mean, sure... there are countless times when he can't join us on a family vacation. But he still manages to come to school concerts. He still makes it for most of the holidays.

    I understand that you are in pain, even if I don't understand how it feels or how much it hurts. I know that the crazy saying of "mind over body" is actually true, when your determination is strong enough. I may not have any answers to how to fix your pain, but with optimism, hope, and research, you can most definitely lessen it. I wish you all the best.
  15. ACPhilosopher

    ACPhilosopher Active Member

    :new:I just joined this forum today, so please forgive me if I don't know all the details about your migraines. I get the general idea, and I know that severe head pain can make you feel like you are losing your sanity. There's no way you can have any quality of life until you find some way to get relief.

    Just thought I'd post this link in case it was something you hadn't heard about yet.


    Headaches can be caused by so many things, it is frustrating trying to pinpoint the source of the problem. But everything has a cause, so there has to be a cause of your headaches. Have you been checked for a brain tumor? How about hormone tests? Changes in hormone levels can cause migraines. I have multiple allergies and get a lot of sinus infections, and sometimes the pain is so bad I can't function; the worst part is, I can't sleep it off because laying down makes the sinus pressure more intense. The only thing that helps is ice when it gets really bad.

    Another idea: Sometimes people can get into a rebound cycle with headaches due to the fact that many painkillers contain significant amounts of caffeine. So when people start taking these types of pain pills on a daily basis, their body becomes dependent on caffeine and they get caught in a never-ending loop of recurring headaches which are actually being caused by caffeine withdrawal. To relieve the caffeine withdrawal, they take more pain pills, which only perpetuates the problem.

    One more thought: Emotional stress can definitely cause and/or intensify head pain. One thing that can happen is that when you get upset and feel distressed, you start to tense the muscles in your neck, which compresses the vertebrae and starts a pain cycle. When you feel the pain, you respond by tensing up, which puts more pressure on the vertebrae, and so on. I used to go to a massage therapist who did deep tissue massage on my neck, and she was able to manipulate the trigger points in my neck, trapezius and upper back so that the muscles were forced to relax, interrupting the pain cycle and restoring me to sanity.

    I also have gone so far as to get Novocaine injections in my neck because the pain was so bad, I was willing to do anything to get rid of it. The doctor who gave me the injections claimed the acupuncture aspect of this process was the key to stopping the pain. By injecting a small amount of Novocaine into multiple pressure points in my neck, he was able to numb the trigger points and interrupt the pain cycle. This allowed the muscles to relax, which lessened pressure on my vertebrae, which opened up more space for the nerves that had gotten inflamed from all the pressure.

    A chiropractor also helped, but chiropractors are controversial so not everyone is willing to go that route. I did get instant relief from him, though.

    At any rate, I hope you don't get angry at me, because I mean well and thought there might be something in this post that could help. I'm sorry for your pain because I, too, have headaches and know there isn't any way to get your mind off it or enjoy life in any way when you're hurting like that. But don't give up looking for a cause. There is one. You just have to keep looking until you find the right medical person who can help you.
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