im empty

[mayo12]

I'm tired.

I love my mother and my sister, I love my boyfriend, my best friend, and on top of it all I adore my dog.

I don't want to ever hurt them, I don't want to betray them and make them question themselves as in "could I have said something or done something" because the answer will always be, maybe. but you see, I won't tell them that because I don't want to hurt them or most likely I won't be here. I know im good because they tell me I am, but what if they are lying? what if all my efforts are never going to be good enough and because they love me (or worse, pity me) they will tell me that I am enough and that they love me.

I've never been so loved in my entire life, even if it's by a few people, yet I feel empty and numb to it. I do love them, and if I am here right now it would most likely be because of them, but I myself have no will to keep going. I want to grow up and have a family, I want to become what I aspire to work in, in a few years. I really want to have a future but I don't see myself having another Christmas, I don't see myself getting old.

I don't think I can make it.

and that breaks my heart. all my loved ones call me strong, because I've made it so far but I can't imagine the disappointment and sense of loss they will feel once im gone. im afraid of dying and not having been able to ever seeing snow in real life, finding places I only thought were found in movies or books. not reading or watching all the things I've told myself is a must. not mastering the ability of cooking churro balls filled with Nutella. anything really.

I just can't go on like this. I find myself unbearable, my own mind, what would others think of me? I'm numb and I feel empty and tired and im sorry but I can't go on like this. I know I won't do it tomorrow or the next day after that, maybe not in a month or 3 but I will gather the courage and I will do it.

I just wish I didn't have to hurt so much people in the process. I know my mom won't read this, but im sorry, its not your fault and I love you. I know my boyfriend won't read this, but im sorry, im not as strong as you told me I was. I know my best friend won't read this, but im sorry for leaving you alone. I know my sister won't read this, but im sorry, I promised you I wouldn't do it. and I know my dog won't ever read this, but im sorry I disappeared and never came back, Im not abandoning you because you are my heart.

im just so tired, numb, empty and I know I will never be good enough for myself.

im sorry, I really am.

im just exhausted.

 

[BlueGreen]

I'm tired.

I love my mother and my sister, I love my boyfriend, my best friend, and on top of it all I adore my dog.

I don't want to ever hurt them, I don't want to betray them and make them question themselves as in "could I have said something or done something" because the answer will always be, maybe. but you see, I won't tell them that because I don't want to hurt them or most likely I won't be here. I know im good because they tell me I am, but what if they are lying? what if all my efforts are never going to be good enough and because they love me (or worse, pity me) they will tell me that I am enough and that they love me.

I've never been so loved in my entire life, even if it's by a few people, yet I feel empty and numb to it. I do love them, and if I am here right now it would most likely be because of them, but I myself have no will to keep going. I want to grow up and have a family, I want to become what I aspire to work in, in a few years. I really want to have a future but I don't see myself having another Christmas, I don't see myself getting old.

I don't think I can make it.

and that breaks my heart. all my loved ones call me strong, because I've made it so far but I can't imagine the disappointment and sense of loss they will feel once im gone. im afraid of dying and not having been able to ever seeing snow in real life, finding places I only thought were found in movies or books. not reading or watching all the things I've told myself is a must. not mastering the ability of cooking churro balls filled with Nutella. anything really.

I just can't go on like this. I find myself unbearable, my own mind, what would others think of me? I'm numb and I feel empty and tired and im sorry but I can't go on like this. I know I won't do it tomorrow or the next day after that, maybe not in a month or 3 but I will gather the courage and I will do it.

I just wish I didn't have to hurt so much people in the process. I know my mom won't read this, but im sorry, its not your fault and I love you. I know my boyfriend won't read this, but im sorry, im not as strong as you told me I was. I know my best friend won't read this, but im sorry for leaving you alone. I know my sister won't read this, but im sorry, I promised you I wouldn't do it. and I know my dog won't ever read this, but im sorry I disappeared and never came back, Im not abandoning you because you are my heart.

im just so tired, numb, empty and I know I will never be good enough for myself.

im sorry, I really am.

im just exhausted.

I'm so sorry you are feeling this @mayo12. You've been through so much and come so far, you are more than good enough. You say you haven't seen a therapist and after all you have been through, you deserve that. You deserve to live a happy life. Can you try to talk to someone? You do have all those experiences ahead, but it sounds like you need a helping hand. It can be done, it really can. Give yourself that chance first.

 

[mayo12]

I'm so sorry you are feeling this @mayo12. You've been through so much and come so far, you are more than good enough. You say you haven't seen a therapist and after all you have been through, you deserve that. You deserve to live a happy life. Can you try to talk to someone? You do have all those experiences ahead, but it sounds like you need a helping hand. It can be done, it really can. Give yourself that chance first.

thank you for your kind words blue, I appreciate them. thank you for saying I deserve a happy live, it means a lot. I can try but it's something I've tried and hasn't been working. I know I do have them, and I want them. I just don't see myself reaching them. im tired of giving myself chances when in reality I just get worse. it's exhausting you know? thank you for your words of advice and kindness.

 

[Dalian]

Does your boyfriend help you with your depression?

 

[Sane Man]

Hi, woof this is your dog. I did read this, and I'm sorry you're in pain. Woof. Now pet me. Sorry, I amuse myself...

I know you're strong against sharing these feelings with those who know you, but you may be surprised at the outcome by reconsidering(slowly) telling them about what is going on. Try considering putting yourself in their shoes, that they may feel even worse that you couldn't come to them in such a painful time(s) in your life, whether they can help or not. At the very least, it may help you to get that off your chest and know you did the best you could with them.

That said, it is also not about a guilt trip. In order for true empathy to happen, they need to work to see things from your perspective as well, and without knowing them personally I don't know if they can or want too. For example, I'm close now on this topic with my mother and sister, but not my father because it would be like talking to the wall. Although it was difficult, I don't regret telling them how I feel and whatever the outcome is that it took a huge burden off me, to hold that in all the time. peace