I'm falling apart.

First off let me say hello, my name is Daniel and I'll get right to it.

I have a history with depression. I was diagnosed when I was 15 and hospitalized after making an attempt on my life. I was put on meds and gradually went off them after a year. I thought those days were long gone. Of course everyone has those days here and there, it's quite natural.

After I graduated high school in 2008, I had a bit of a falling out with my mother. I moved out and stopped talking to her for a little bit over a year. Towards the end of 2009, we began talking and seeing each other again. In January of 2010, I was offered my dream of living in New York. I would move in with my aunt, have my college paid for, get hooked up with a job, all rent/responsibility-free. It was a dream come true. It was not meant to last, however. Two months after I moved in, I was forced to move back to Michigan (where I'm from) due to a falling out with my aunt and uncle (they're super-religious and I myself am an atheist.) Not only that, but my mom was disappointed in me and she kicked me out of her house and I was forced to move in with my dad. I was depressed after having lost my dream, losing my relationship with my mom, and breaking up with my girlfriend of 5 years.

I pulled through, though. It was a long and difficult road. I focused on building my music career and it helped me heal.

Then, here's where I relapsed.

I met this girl over the summer of this year. She's very nice, beautiful, intelligent, charming, basically everything I ever wanted and dreamed of. It was obvious she liked me and she knew I liked her. It looked like things were only going to get better from there. A month later, after having met her, she started acting distant towards me. I thought maybe she had lost interest or maybe it was something I did. I told her that I missed her and that's where it all fell apart.

She had been raped almost a week before when she finally started replying to my calls/texts. I was devastated. I was angry. I asked her who it was, where he lived, etc...With what she said, she seemed to know the guy and didn't tell me out of fear of what I would do and losing me. I suggested she report it and that I would go with her and hold her hand every step of the way, but she said she just wanted to move on and forget. She thought I would become disgusted or uninterested in her after what happened. I told her that my feelings for her hadn't changed and that I would be there for her and wait for her to heal and be ready for a relationship once again. Last time I saw her (almost 2 months ago now), she didn't outright say it, but she heavily implied that she was scared/worried that I had grown tired of waiting for her or that I had become impatient. I reassured her that I wasn't and that I would still wait for her.

I guess I had been depressed since this whole thing began, I've just been able to repress it these last couple of months. Our future is left uncertain. We hardly talk or see each other since this happened. I realize she needs time to heal and get better. She wants to take it slow and build up our friendship; I'm all for that. Because of what happened, I feel I've lost my dream girl. I don't know if we'll be together one day. I'm afraid she'll just be another memory or regret. I'm scared I'll never get to do or say all the things that I want with her, like tell her those three words. I know that feelings, thoughts, intentions, and emotions change and I'm afraid she no longer wants to be with me or wants me in her life. Just the thought of this sweet girl going through that gets me. I guess to sum it all up, I'm tired of constantly being disappointed. I'm tired of constantly having things look up for me and then having it destroyed. I don't have that many good memories I can recall in my life. My entire being is tired.

I'm close to it again. I'm so very tired of this endless cycle of disappointment and regrets.

 

Hi Daniel, I'm glad you made it here. I'm sorry you're in pain and so much uncertainty. You've gone through a lot of changes recently, have you seen your doc or a counselor?

You're welcome here.

 

Hi Daniel and welcome..often times when someone goes through something like that it is easier to be with strangers because they will not know a difference, and the person can continue to avoid the situation...of course, that is not healthy for either of you, but each person responds to trauma in his/her own way...As Lefty said, have you sought help to deal with what is going on? That may be helpful...welcome again

 

Hiya Daniel,

I am so sorry to hear that you have been having a rough time. I think you have made the first step into recovery by opening up to us here. That could not have been easy. I think the next step if you have not done already would be to speak to a doctor about how you are feeling. He may suggest meds or therapy but I think either would be helpful in this situation.

 

I know this is all in my head. I hope all my fears and worries are just me over-thinking things, but usually those fears/worries come true. I know I need help. I've been trying to get better by doing things to keep me occupied like music, or going out to clubs/bars, or just hanging around people. Nothing seems to help me. I don't find joy in anything in life anymore.