I'm Falling

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by justanotherginger, Jan 19, 2016.

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  1. justanotherginger

    justanotherginger New Member

    Today is my first day with SF. I'm here as my last resort. All other avenues have been exhausted. I don't have the energy to go on beyond this place.

    I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I'm not insane. I'm 33 years old and well-educated. My parents are dead, no family to speak of. I got out of an eight-year relationship that was at times abusive, tumultuous, and rocky about eight months ago. I lost my car, among other pointless worldly possessions, but he was my first love, so I left a huge chunk of my heart and soul behind as well. I miss the good times with him, hearing the tone in his voice when he told me he loved me, and the way the beginning seemed so exciting and new. I thought to myself, "This is it. I have found my soul's companion, and I will spend a beautiful forever with him". He cheated on me, verbally abused me, and in one case when blackout drunk, tried to kill me. I escaped this past summer, but a part of me died with that beautiful forever I had planned for us.

    Getting back on my feet has been tough. I lost a lot of friends during the course of that relationship, friendships I can't get back. I h ave exactly two people that call me, sometimes come over to visit, and I hear from no one else. My calls and texts go unanswered. A bunch of people have no issue leaving messages on FaceBook but when the time comes, they all of a sudden have no time to see me. I held a temporary job and have not been able to find another one since it ended in December. I am wearing out my welcome fast with the person I am currently sharing an apartment with. Finding a job has been so difficult. I have interviewed myself to exhaustion, and hear great things about my skill level but am time and time again turned down due to being "overqualified". This overqualification is going to land me homeless on the streets.

    I have major depressive disorder. I have been depressed since before puberty. I have fought this illness my entire life, with medications, therapists, psychologists/psychiatrists, research drug trials, alternative medicines, clean eating, and meditation. Nothing has worked. Today, since I have no job I have no insurance and have been turned away numerous times by free clinics. On top of the depression, I suffer from suicidal ideation, social anxiety, and unrelatedly, lupus.

    I am tired all of the time. I cry all of the time. I am in pain all of the time. I'm sick of feeling alone and scared to wake up every morning. I'm tired of not mattering to anyone, or to myself. I don't matter to anyone. I don't know what is keeping me alive now. My life is going nowhere positive or happy. I don't even have anyone to come to my funeral should I die. I live the loneliest existence.

    I'm not sure that anyone can say anything here that I haven't heard 10,000 times before. But here I am. Today is my first day with SF. I'm here as my last resort.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there, my aunty has lupus too, I am sorry to read you have it. I'm also sorry you lost the love of your life, you seem to have tried everything but don't give up yet. I've been on about 40 different psych meds and since 2014 I am cleared of depression. Not saying all will help you but just don't give up. I have no real advice for you only stay with us and we will try and be there for each other and wanted to say I read your post and I care, so welcome to SF :)
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hello justanotherginger. A quick welcome to let you know you're not talking to thin air. I'm sorry things have gone really harshly the past while. Rough times. It's good that you got away from the abuse, though. I'm really happy for you for that! It's very hard to feel good about ourselves if someone is abusing us and taking advantage of our good nature.

    It seems to me that you're missing the good things you and he shared, which is quite normal. And I think maybe you're experiencing the loss of a "dream" - the way you planned to live out your life with this person. You likely are still grieving the loss of the relationship, in spite of its pitfalls. And into the bargain you're dealing with a job search in a tough market.

    From what you've said, this man was not good to you overall - cheating, drinking, abusive, trying to kill you. Keep the memories of the good times as a guide to what you deserve from life - good things! When some time has passed and you're ready, maybe you'll date others and you keep a mental checklist of the good qualities you want. For now, maybe remind yourself that your ex was not always actually the prize package. You deserve better, right? You deserve good things all the time from a partner!

    I wish that "overqualified" wasn't such an issue for your job seach. That's really hard, especially since you're willing to take on jobs that are less than your actual abilities. Are there any temp agencies in your town/city? They tend not to pay as well, but at least you'd have a bit of work.

    I'm sorry you're going through such a rough spot. I hope things settle down and go better for you soon. Keep us posted on what's happening. :)
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