I'm Falling.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Abandoned Wife, Oct 7, 2016.

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  1. My husband walked out Sunday after 18 years for what I thought was some time at work. After midnight and over 5 hours, numerous texts at 3:40 am, I realize he isn't coming home, lock up and try to rest.

    At 8:30 the next morning he responds to one of my texts, tells me to have my son get a suitcase down for him. He wants his stuff packed.

    Long story short, he has been emotionally and verbally abusive for years. Screams in my face. Calls me retarded. Laughs at me for having been a foster child. Hangs up on me, often walks out and vanishes over night, but always promises he won't do it again. I thought this was another recurrence.

    He won't speak to me. I've asked if he wants a divorce. A separation. Most of his stuff is here. I only packed a small bag with enough clothing for maybe a week or two.

    I currently have access to the joint account, but of course, won't take advantage of it. The noise I would hear if spent 1k..
    I don't begrudge him a place to stay, but communication isn't alot to ask.. and our finances are limited.

    Today was hard. I haven't eaten since last Saturday and I'm just exhausted. My husband is bullying me, threatening with non-payment of the household bills, the roof is leaking, a storm is coming and he just put almost 1k on our credit card and won't respond abut what I can spend on groceries.
    My son is comparing this issue to a break-up with his on/off gf that saw maybe once every 2 weeks for a year. This was every day for 18 years of my life.

    I come from Bi-polar. A family of people who kill themselves. I feel like I'm sliding that way. I can't get out of bed..when I do, I feel like I'm falling.

    I can't breathe. I don't even know what to do.
  2. SunShine1973

    SunShine1973 Active Member

    Start simple? Maybe by just looking after yourself with something nice to eat and realise there are some people happy to be there for you in this forum
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. You are really suffering from mental abuse and this is causing so much emotional abuse. Ok, you feel like you are falling but we can help. You hurting and no doubt crying from this emotional hurt.

    You are a deserving person as you have not done anything wrong but care for this man. You need to respect yourself and I suggest you see your doctor for medication and therapy. I know it's hard to accept the relationship is broken but you are a deserving person of our support.

    I suggest that you create a simple timetable of daily chores to do and try to stick to it. When we competely breakdown, it's about starting again to live life. The road to recovery is hard but it can be done. No doubt you will fail but we can help YOU to recover.

    Please keep posting as you are a deserving person.
  4. lainylou

    lainylou Active Member

    Im so sorry for you. I feel your pain. Its cruel not to have answers and be mentally drained. You need to sort out your finances. The money is half yours. You have to go into survival mode now. No matter how hard it is you have to think that you are worthy of everything he is depriving of you. Bullying is unacceptable from anyone. You are worth a lot more than this, but sometimes we are unable to see it. You have every right to get angry, may make you feel better for a while. I wish I could help you. Just know that I know how you are feeling and that there are people here to listen. Is he staying with you now? That must be so distressing to be traeated like that, worthless that he can come and go as he pleases.
    You ARE worth more please rememeber that
    SunShine1973 likes this.
  5. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    I agree with @lainylou, time for survival mode. He left you, should you assume he won't be coming back? Are you in therapy for the abuse?
    SunShine1973 likes this.
  6. Thank you so much for the caring and kind responses.

    No, he isn't staying here. I even refused to give him any clothing until he surrendered his keys as I didn't want him coming and going as he pleased. I felt that was a fair exchange.

    The day after he took off, Ic(with my sons help) packed a bag for him and placed it outside in the shed. I didn't want him in the house. I didn't want the confrontation. We unlocked the gate and gave him a time to pick it up. He did so and left the keys. Haven't seen him since. He went that afternoon and dropped $700.00 on a hotel of some sort after also making an ATM withdrawal. Here is the kicker, he just gave me a hard time about transferring $100 to my personal savings account and not telling him.. it's because there was only $5 in there and I had to open my own checking account.. but he can spend almost 1k without a word? Am I missing something?

    He asked me to get all the passwords off his computer the other night so he can "pay the bills". I did so and after compiling everything into one document, I emailed it to his work place (he is a government employee), password protected of course. This is 18 years worth of passwords. Taxes, banking, misc bills, etc. I'm not sending that unsecured. I explain he can have the password if he calls for it as 1, I won't be compromised and 2, I require answers to numerous things.

    He replies and tells me I'm making things hard for him and he may not be able to pay the bills. Expecting this, I had an email ready to go with the bill account numbers on them so that he could simply use our banks BillPay feature to take care of them, eliminating his desire to threaten me with non payment of them. It took me hours to get all of that together, but I feel it was the right thing to do. I will not fold.

    He will not answer me on whether he wants a divorce. My kids think he wants to come back in the house at his leisure after he has me properly whipped and beaten so to speak. He still will not speak to me.

    No, I'm not in therapy, though I admit, I should be. I have contacted my primary care physician and asked that my husband be removed as an authorized person on my medical records so that I may start the process of help. Right now, he has access to everything and I have zero privacy. For that matter, one call to our insurance company and they tell him everything, too.

    I haven't driven the car.
    I've not gone to the store.
    I've barely left my room.
  7. Further, the roof was replaced last year at the cost of thousands but recently began leaking. My husband has been the one dealing with the company, who is fifty degrees of shady about all of this.
    It started raining again right after he left and of course, there goes the roof. Yesterday, Hurricane/Tropical Storm Matthew rolls in. We live in VA.

    Not a call, not a text asking if we're okay. If the roof is holding up. I finally text around 6pm and let him know it is leaking. I've called the company with no answers and ask why he didn't inquire about us. He tells us it's "a little rain". We got over 10". The freeways were closed. Our street was flooded and my car (a mustang) wouldn't even make it out of the driveway. Doubtful my son's would have either.

    The house and it's issues are now my problem. He "has no info" for me.
  8. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    You are sounding very strong today! I like all of the things you're doing to take care of yourself and keep safe. Are you at the point where you're wanting to start divorce proceedings? Good luck with everything, I'm very impressed with everything you're doing for you and your kids! xxx
    SunShine1973 likes this.
  9. Thanks for saying that. I don't feel strong. I think it's the coffee.

    Where I live, you can't start for 6 months. Even then, I'm not in a financial position to afford an attorney. From my research, that will take about 20k. Heck, Everything I have is in that joint account. It is my husband's earnings..I've been a stay at home mom.

    I've got this incredible knot in my stomach. I'm lost and don't know what to do. I have no family. I literally have no friends.. and it's not for lack of liking people. I am just a homebody. My husband had friends he worked with. I am isolated and alone.
  10. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Well, even if it's the coffee, it's working :)

    I'm sorry you are so alone, but you are proving to yourself that it's okay that you're alone. We are so much stronger than we ever give ourselves credit for. This is a chance for a new beginning for you. I pushed the restart button at age 45 and I live a pretty good life now. It's never too late. 20k is ridiculous...is there such a thing as legal aid??? Can you contact a legal aid counselor and see if you can take money from that account to help you and your kids?

    I'm a homebody too, though I usually use the word "hermit" instead because of my dislike of society. Everything I do, I do on my own because I've learned that other people are not reliable. You can do this, take it one step at a time. You've already done so well. XX
  11. I feel like I'm going to be homeless in less than a year and why bother.. I feel like right now I'm in a trance, going through the motions. Today is better, but I think because it's daylight. Night is worse. The tears are worse. My son is starting to get angry at my crying.

    I feel like I wasted the best years of my life on someone that never really wanted me and crapped all over me and now what am I left with? No idea how to make it in the world and no means to take care of myself. The best part is, he knows it.

    There is legal aid, but I'm not sure I'll qualify due to his earnings. I also have a feeling he has been lining up his soldiers so to speak and I'm about to be smacked full force because he knows I have no means to fight back.
  12. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    I'm sorry...I don't know what else to say to comfort you :( This is a horrible situation.

    All I can offer is my own experience. Up until 2003, I was doing okay. I had a high paying job, a condo in the mountains, new expensive Mazda, lots of electronics, toys, mutual funds for my retirement...I was doing well. In February of 2003, my body and mind gave up. I had a severe burnout and what followed was years of emotional, physical and mental pain. I lost EVERYTHING. I was reduced to give up my condo, well, I had no choice, I was forced out by the bank's lawyers...and I had to move back to the horrible city into a small, dirty, loud apartment where I could barely buy myself healthy food. I blew through all of my savings and retirement fund within 6 months and was left practically homeless....all I had were my 2 dogs, some clothes and my bottles of meds. Nothing was left, either foreclosed, repossessed or sold at pawn shops. I did have an education, but my mind was so broken that I was categorized as disabled and (still) live on disability. It was very hard, very uncomfortable and I was sad, scared, alone and extremely bitter...but I did get back on my feet after many years. It's hard to see the silver lining right now, but it's there. You can find it, but it's going to take hard work and struggling to gain your independence and build yourself a better life.

    I just wish you the best of luck. I hope you can get legal aid to begin with, considering your circumstances.
    SunShine1973 likes this.
  13. SunShine1973

    SunShine1973 Active Member

    Abandoned wife I'm very proud of you for getting through each day at the moment you deserve to keep somewhere to live for you and your son be kind to yourself about the tears you are bound to be upset keep using the forum there are people here who care for you well I do anyway much love ❤️ Xx
    Frances M likes this.
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