I'm fed up

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by losthope, Feb 11, 2010.

  1. losthope

    losthope Well-Known Member

    My depression was triggered by painful incidents in my life and continued due to Ptsd and constant failure in life. There were a few incidents in my childhood but none traumatic. The depression started at 13, when first at home, then at school, for years, I suffered many abuses: emotional, bullying, humiliation, slandering, etc., that I don't want to go into details. I had two suicide attempts at 17 by cutting my wrist and with poison, but wasn't successful. And while this hell was going outside, another was going inside my mind, and when things calmed down outside, the hell inside my mind continued and I didn't recover, and this created new bad circumstances due to my insecurity and an irreversible unhappy, confused, suicidal mind.
    When I was 23 I almost committed suicide with a carbine. Things had calmed down outside but I couldn't cope with my bad memories and all the sadness and hate in my mind. I had a date, time, place and all prepared, but an unexpected occurrence ruined it and I postponed it, and I kept postpone it through all my 20's always with a low will to live. I also developed a bad habit of occupying myself with useless or prejudicial things as a form of escapism from reality that prejudiced me a lot when I had to face the real world but avoided new attempts for some time.
    After turning 30, my mental maturity and new values made me more self-confident and I set up new goals, but as before, in my attempts to improve my situation, I only met disappointment. The good moments in my life are ephemeral compared to the amount of unhappiness. I'm giving up all my hopes and I'm planning to live the most peaceful and unworried possible before my suicide.
    I want to die with inner peace, not with this confusion and restlessness. I don’t care anymore about this pointless life, I feel disgust for being alive, all I seek now is peace.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Get a therapist to help you find that peace to help you unravel all the sadness the pain and to help you move forward it does work