i'm not even sure where to begin actually, but like the title says i'm feelin some sort of way. it's not so good either. i'm feelin like i cant move on for certain. i'm feelin like i don't need or deserve to move on.
yesterday i was actually beginning to feel just a little better. i was taken it. then tragedy struck at least according to me. my daughter and i had a little talk. she was telling me she wanted me to go back to the hospital to get all fixed. i knew right away she didn't understand what was really happening with these visits, but i for sure knew she was frustrated beyond all hell. i proceeded to tell her if i could control all of this i would of stopped a long time ago. i told her it was not a personal choice. she had her arguments, and then i finally asked her would she rather a dead mom or one in the hospital for a short time. this is what absolutely ripped me apart she didn't answer. i'm sure it would of been hard for her but still i would have told my mom the obvious for her sake.
then today my son began to rip into me for going in the hospital so many times. i mean seriously tearing into me. i had decided after my daughter but without a doubt chose today that it's time to go home (heaven). i totally believe this would just bring them the relief they so desperately desire. i totally see in their eyes they have been traumatized by all these visits and the time without their mother. so why would i do this permantly? because it would finally bring them some closure and they wouldn't have to worry about going through any of this anymore. it's always been inevitable that this was how i was going to go. it just became a matter of when.
anyways, present any argument or perspective you wish. i'm sure i've worked my way through it. after all it is so persuasive of a means to the end. it just feels right like it is the only option. i will let you go now. please take care
yesterday i was actually beginning to feel just a little better. i was taken it. then tragedy struck at least according to me. my daughter and i had a little talk. she was telling me she wanted me to go back to the hospital to get all fixed. i knew right away she didn't understand what was really happening with these visits, but i for sure knew she was frustrated beyond all hell. i proceeded to tell her if i could control all of this i would of stopped a long time ago. i told her it was not a personal choice. she had her arguments, and then i finally asked her would she rather a dead mom or one in the hospital for a short time. this is what absolutely ripped me apart she didn't answer. i'm sure it would of been hard for her but still i would have told my mom the obvious for her sake.
then today my son began to rip into me for going in the hospital so many times. i mean seriously tearing into me. i had decided after my daughter but without a doubt chose today that it's time to go home (heaven). i totally believe this would just bring them the relief they so desperately desire. i totally see in their eyes they have been traumatized by all these visits and the time without their mother. so why would i do this permantly? because it would finally bring them some closure and they wouldn't have to worry about going through any of this anymore. it's always been inevitable that this was how i was going to go. it just became a matter of when.
anyways, present any argument or perspective you wish. i'm sure i've worked my way through it. after all it is so persuasive of a means to the end. it just feels right like it is the only option. i will let you go now. please take care