i'm feelin some kind of way

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by betteroffunknown, Jan 16, 2010.

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  1. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    i'm not even sure where to begin actually, but like the title says i'm feelin some sort of way. it's not so good either. i'm feelin like i cant move on for certain. i'm feelin like i don't need or deserve to move on.

    yesterday i was actually beginning to feel just a little better. i was taken it. then tragedy struck at least according to me. my daughter and i had a little talk. she was telling me she wanted me to go back to the hospital to get all fixed. i knew right away she didn't understand what was really happening with these visits, but i for sure knew she was frustrated beyond all hell. i proceeded to tell her if i could control all of this i would of stopped a long time ago. i told her it was not a personal choice. she had her arguments, and then i finally asked her would she rather a dead mom or one in the hospital for a short time. this is what absolutely ripped me apart she didn't answer. i'm sure it would of been hard for her but still i would have told my mom the obvious for her sake.

    then today my son began to rip into me for going in the hospital so many times. i mean seriously tearing into me. i had decided after my daughter but without a doubt chose today that it's time to go home (heaven). i totally believe this would just bring them the relief they so desperately desire. i totally see in their eyes they have been traumatized by all these visits and the time without their mother. so why would i do this permantly? because it would finally bring them some closure and they wouldn't have to worry about going through any of this anymore. it's always been inevitable that this was how i was going to go. it just became a matter of when.

    anyways, present any argument or perspective you wish. i'm sure i've worked my way through it. after all it is so persuasive of a means to the end. it just feels right like it is the only option. i will let you go now. please take care
  2. PokerDonkey

    PokerDonkey Active Member

    Eh you sound like you believe in heaven...

    If that's the case, suicide = hell :S
  3. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    that's your opinion donkey and that's ok. i do believe differently.
  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I've gone through this with my own kids on my stays at the hospital. And yeah I do understand how you feel. How why drag them through it anymore.

    But what I see in your kid's responses and replies isnt anger at you it's frustration with their own feelings and thoughts. And we all know kids tend to use anger to express things when they arent sure themselves of what they are feeling or seeing.

    My 18 year old treats me like the kid now. He is always asking where I'm going. What I'm doing. Trying to find people to "stop" by when he knows I'm going to be alone for any length of time. I HATE it. But I also know it is his way of dealing with waht he feels about me and what happens. His way of "protecting" himself I guess.

    And my 16 year old daughter the last time I was taken to hospital finally blurted out she thought I was selfish cuz I got to try and she didnt. Then she tried to hide it all. SO we talked. Yes I know my kids see what I do and think it must be some great solution. But we always talk about it to. When we finally talked about it she wasnt all hyped and ready to suicide. But she felt that it wasnt fair that I was going to take the "easy" way out when she has problems too and needs me there to help her. She was angry.

    Hun we see our option as the only one. We have plenty of reasons to see it that way. But our kids cant even begin to understand why we have come to that end. They are kids. So they lash out. They become silent. They dont know what answer to give when asked. They havent "lived" yet.

    Please dont let what they said or didnt say affect you. I know damn hard. But you need to see the replies for exactly what they are. Your children worried about their mom. On the most basic level they are showing you they love you!!! What if your mom had presented you with the same question many years ago? I dont think any kid can really just have a knee jerl reaction and give the answer you need to hear.

    And yes it also shows that they really dont understand you and all that you are going through. Which is a good thing. Because if they did, think of how much Hell they would be trying to deal with. At the end of the day you have to see that they are kids trying to deal with something so grown up.

    And being up, feeling positive after feeling negative for so long well it doesnt take much to pull the positive away. It's a slip hun. Now you need to keep reaching out. Here in RL whatever it takes to bring some positive back to your head. And it's so hard. But you can do it. You have had a chance to feel positive so you know it is do-able. Please keep posting. Keep talking.
  5. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    i absolutely have done the best i can to protect my kids from my wretched feelings. i've also always tried to communicate with them, and though i have some with my daughter i still haven't with my son who is 15 and so much more sensitive than my daughter (she's 17).

    i really have tried to do toooo much for my kids, and hell not just tried but have actually done too much. i say this because they take everything for granted. what i do means nothing to them they expect it of me. that's just wrong. i wish i could make them appreciate how hard i have tried to hang in there, but i'm not so sure they'll ever see it. i have hung on this long only for them, ONLY. i just can't seem to keep hangin on. i am just feelin some kind of way here and now.

    i'm sorry i'm not totally thinkin clearly at all right now, so please forgive me if this seemed to go nowhere. tc
  6. DS

    DS Account Closed

    i know u and i have differing perspectives on this, but your daughter, regardless of her age, is still a kid. look, were she 24, she would still be a kid. examine your boundaries just for a moment. You are the adult. She is the child. Come on, you know this.

    I don't see how u can go down this road with her, but that is just my perspective here.

    also, do consider the implications. She will forever burden herself with guilt, her heart riddled with wounds of blame and pain, that will never heal, and her heart, will forever ache, just as mine does. Not too mention your son....and others (i know, invalid argument).

    Look, you have a chance here to mentor to her, how to handle things, and she will be stronger for it. I guarantee, if you kill yourself, she is not going to take away a good lesson...and there is also the chance she will follow. you don't want that i am sure.

    sure they may be a little traumatized...even with medical problems that happens. trauma they will heal from over time...especially when they see you fight and they grow older and come to understand your courage and how you've battled...but i guarantee you, killing yourself, is going to be a trauma that will never heal...trust me...i know this road all too fucking well...gawd. come on. You read what i gave you...that will be her. fuck. but also, you cannot stay just for her either, i understand that, you have to do this for you.

    sorry i am being so harsh here, but reality fucking sucks.

    i know u see limited choices...but there are choices.

    I know. I know. I can hear your pain. **HUGS** I really do. I wish so much, that you felt a bit better. **HUGS** I also know, from experience, how difficult it is to see past where u are right now. i know how exhausting it can be...i know.

    i honestly do not think you are in the right condition to be making this judgement call at the moment. Gawd i can hear what u are going to say...ugh

    and it is not your fault that the system sucks so bad...you happen to be a victim of it...perhaps we can find alternatives. i don't know. perhaps a way to work with or around it. i see it constantly fail so many ppl, and it so frustrating for them...and for all.

    please...please stay connected, trust me on this one....please don't isolate and please contact the ppl who care about you...and that includes me, okay?
    and i will wait for you as i said i would

    you deserve every chance possible...you owe it to yourself as well, to give yourself a chance. please.

    i am lousy at articulating, but i hope you at least hear what my heart is saying through my tears, okay?
  7. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    i am back. i am back to share with ya that things have just begun to look a little up. i can't go out on the limb and say it's all good right now. i'm not totally out of the woods just yet, but i have made the first step up.

    i want to thank all of you for hanging in there with me through this. i've never and i do mean never felt so much support as i have for this crisis. you all are simply amazing. amazing because in the depths of some of yours pain you could reach out to little ole' lowly me. you're awesome people and i will always try to remind you. your compassion and understanding can be surpassed by no one. you all really are the tops.

    now honestly the next couple of days are going to be pretty touchy for me because of some of the stuff i did today. i just hope and pray you all can bare with me a little longer while i try to get through this too. i'm going to go so far as to say i should get through this, but i just know how rotten my attitude can get when coming down so again please hang with me.

    i won't take up anymore of your time. i just felt it was only right to let you know things have begun to look a little up. please please take care and i look forward to hanging out with you all in the future. you're awesome!!!!!!!!
  8. cookiemonster

    cookiemonster Banned Member

    *HUGS* glad you're feeling a bit better
  9. DS

    DS Account Closed

  10. VonBlown

    VonBlown Well-Known Member

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