i'm feeling completely lost

lost in a web of truths, a web of lies. i don't know what to believe anymore or who to trust.

i got out of the shower the other day bawling my eyes out because i was convinced that the only solution to the misery i was feeling was to take my own life. and then i sat and thought. what would i do. if my roommates 15 year old son were to wake up and find me in the tub, slit wrists, covered in blood, unconscious ... i couldn't do that to a child. i don't want a child to ever see that dark side of life. and then i thought about my car. how easy it would be to swallow a bunch of pills and then go for a ride, and whatever my car ran into at 70 miles an hour, so be it. no seatbelt, i wish that i would crash through the damned thing and lie on the road, a broken, bleeding, lifeless body. and then i remembered that paramedics are far too good at their jobs, and so are nosy passersby. i would need an extended road on which nobody travels in order to fulfill that fantasy.

then i look to my medicine cabinet. i have enough random meds (barbituates, amphetamines, ad's, benzo's, etc ...) to make a good go at a serious overdose. but from past experiences, the overdose trail leads to nothing but misery, regret, and intense abdominal pain (and probably an effed up liver to boot) ... not death. unfortunately, i learned that the hard way.

a gun? no. i don't want to shoot my jaw off or a portion of my skull off and have to live with the consequences of being mentally a different person after that.

and so i am here. pondering what method, what way, what avenue i have to escape. as i said before, i am more than willing to put myself away for a few weeks ... a few months even to keep myself safe. but the irony of it all is that as a gainfully employed american, i cannot afford it in any way shape or form. how fucked up is that? i'm ready for help, yearning for it ... and still i'm looking for ways to die because it's less expensive. that's majorly fucked. i don't know what i want. i want to live and see tomorrow. i want to die and forget today and all the days that came before it. i want to find a place where i am accepted. i want a family that doesn't think of me as a pirraiah. i want too much i suppose.

 

I understand your feelings WAY too well, having felt similarly myself. I have no answers for you, or for me, only comiseration at our collective experiences and our inability to decide to stay or go - each option having it's own merits and demerits. I do the only thing I can do: I take it one day at a time. Get up every morning dreading the day ahead of me, and slog thru each minute til the end of the day and bedtime. I love going to sleep just for the escape of it. One big factor keeping me from suicide is what it would do to my kids. I just CAN'T scar them forever by leaving them with such a disturbing legacy. So I keep on going. Thru each miserable day, each miserable moment. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other out of habit, if nothing else.

I wish I could tell you something encouraging but that would be dishonest. I wish you well. If you find a way of getting thru this that's less painful, let me know.

least

 

thanks theleastofthese. i know i am not alone in all this ... as i hope you know as well. but sometimes it is just so overwhelming, that i don't know what to do with myself. and i know that the reason that i don't give into my darkest desires is because i don't ever want to expose children to that side of life. perhaps living with a teenager is one of the things that is keeping me alive. he's not my son, but i love him like a son. and i couldn't bear him seeing me in that state. i couldn't bear to leave this life with the knowledge that he would be burdened with my death and have so many unanswered and unanswerable questions since he would never be able to ask me because i would be six feet under.

it occurs to me that it's totally fucked up that the reason i live is to spare a teenageer the grief of losing someone who is close to him. i know that is not a terrible reason to go on living, but i just wish ... i wish i had the choice without worrying about the consequences that it would have on a minor that i care a great deal about. perhaps some day i will either hug him and thank him for his presence or leave him a note that exonerates him of any responsibility that is associated with my death. i have not yet decided. but i still know that this is NOT the life that i want to live. i don't want to be unhappy and befuddled every day. i don't want to live in an uncertain bubble ... i don't want to live for him just because the alternative would be too devastating. at the same time, i want no part in altering his life in that way ... and so i stop, evaluate, keep moving on, wondering when i will be able to get far enough away literally and emotionally so that i can go through with it without worrying about how it will affect him.

and then my teacher self takes over. there is no way that i will ever be able to remove myself from him so completely that he will not be affected by my death. but at the same time ... is that a reason to live? i don't want to live, but i am more terrified of ripping the heart out of a child, and so i postpone my death in order to save him from torment? is that reasonable? is that rational?

i don't know. i'm still careening from emotion to emotion quickly am violently. in one moment i think there is no point in ending my life and in the next, there is nothing that i want to more than swallow all the pills i have and not wake up ever again ... but then again, i would never ever ever want him to be the one who discovered me. and i wouldn't want any of this to happen in our house, which is his safe place. do i care too much for others? perhaps. is it keeping me safe at the moment? perhaps.

i can't even begin to tell you how much i want to slice my wrists from elbow to wrist just to feel and see the blood flow. but i know i won't ... i can't let him see my like that. i hate this. i hate this trap that i have gotten myself into.

 

i think communication is the solution. if u can share ur worries and pain with someone who's always there for u, then u'll feel much better. i know that many of us don't have that kind of person whom we can always rely on, so the only thing i can say to u is NEVER GIVE UP! we didn't choose to be born into this world, but since we're already here, we gotta do our best to hang on to it. death is not a solution, all it does is to show the evidence of cowardice. someone once said "to be alive requires the most courage". to kill oneself is not as hard as u think, but to be alive in current world takes lots of determination and courage. so don't give up okay? i still need ur support to get me going, lol, but seriously. so if u feel sad, tell someone or u can write it here, don't hold it all in urself. let's share the pain okay? ^^

 

thanks chrono. maybe communication is the key, but i really don't feel like i have someone with whom i can communicate. hence me writing crazily all over this board for the past few days i suppose. i feel like there is nobody, utterly nobody, in my life here in the flesh that will understand what this is like. i do have someone to talk to, but just sometimes ... he too suffers in the same way that i do, and we do talk one another out of trees. i suppose it's a really good thing that we tend to cycle differently. it will be one scary day if we are both in the same place at the same time.

all i can say is that right now i feel like crying. sitting down in the bathroom at work and just letting all the anger, all the pain, all the hopeless feelings that nothing will ever be good again flood out through the hot tears streaming down my face. and then, unfortunately, i know i can't. i'm already the "unstable one" here and that will just get me sent home. maybe that's what i need right now. but what i don't need is to be coddled and treated like some sort of porcelein doll. perhaps i am in a more fragile state of mind than many of my coworkers ... i just don't want to be reminded of it. all i want is to be normal. i don't want to have the urge to walk into that bathroom with a blade and slice up my arm because i know the warm blood will be such a satisfactory release dripping down my arm.

i feel like i'm losing it. i feel like i'm slipping. i don't feel like i should be left alone this weekend because i'm afraid of what i might do. at the same time i don't want the company of anyone who might be around. i'm tempted to just empty every pill bottle i have into my mouth and swallow when i know nobody will be around to find me until i've stopped breathing and stopped convulsing and my lips are turning blue.

hopefully i'll bounce back before the weekend begins. it's just been a slow but sure descent. and i never want to go back to where i was. and it feels like that is where i'm going. i don't know what to do. i don't know where to turn.

 

ok ... now i'm completely banging my head against a wall. and the only way anyone will see how bad off i am is if i do something drastic to get their attention. otherwise they just don't think the meds i am taking are working as well as they should be or that i'm ... i don't know what the hell they are thinking.

i feel like i'm backed into a corner. i want to scream. i want to cry. i don't think i want to die because the only way that i would be able to try i know would likely end in failure (again) and be painful anyway. i want to curl up in a ball. i want to walk away from everything and everyone. i want to pack my car and escape. i don't know where i want to go. anywhere but here.

i can't stand arguing anymore with someone who is so self righteous that they think that their pacemaker trumps a fucked up head any day of the week. someone who is incompassionate, doesn't understand and doesn't seem to want to understand. someone who only cares that i have the money to help out with the bills and the rest of it be damned. someone who doesn't even notice that i'm pulling further and further away and really just don't give a damn anymore.

i fantasize about going home, downing a fifth of vodka and cutting the shit out of my leg. it seems i can't go for my arm anymore since i already get looks because of all the scars. and if i cut too deep? i just don't fucking care. i wish i would inadvertantly do so. and instead of waking up in a sickeningly large pool of blood i wish i never woke up at all. didn't have to explain to the docs in emergency that i just wanted to feel a little pain to make the rest go away.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. i just want to get out of work. i'm a little afraid of what i might do though. i hope the next few hours calm me down. and if they don't ... fuck it.

 

oh God how I empathize with your frustration!!! In my life I don't feel I have too many choices and all the choices end in death: financial death or emotional death or - pleasegodno - physical death. I so badly wish I had words of comfort for you, but if I did, I'd be comforting myself - and I can't do that for there's no comfort anywhere that I can see. I"m so sorry that you feel so badly and so desperate and so badly wish I could "fix" it for you. but I can't, and that makes me feel worse than ever. The only solace I can find is in wine - and that's only temporary. Oh god I'm so sorry that I can't do something good for you.:sad: I feel so impotent and useless. I'm sorry.:sad:

 

thanks least. i don't know what to tell myself. and i don't know what to tell you either. you said it nicely when you said

that's exactly how i feel at this moment. all roads lead to some kind of death. none of which i'm really thrilled about, yet i feel powerless to control or change them. without running away. which sometimes, today especially, seems like a bang-up idea.

i too find my solace in alcohol at the time being. i know it's not a good answer, but coupled with a benzo or something else, it puts me into a deep sleep and for at least a while, i am out and not sitting, stewing, letting all the thoughts in my head get in my heart and make me cry because i feel so utterly trapped ... and when i don't feel trapped i feel just plain foolish for making bad choices and not having the presence of mind to walk away from them even at a loss. last time i was in this place i was kidnapped (adultnapped?) by my parents and taken to their house so i would be "safe"

... and ended up getting kicked out of there in the end anyway because i'm uhh .. lemme think "lazy and unmotivated" (yeah, i'm still dragging out the certification that i should have finished in the end of december. i'm working on it. you can't rush perfection?) yup. they never were very understanding even though they forced me to live there in the first place. not that i was really in any state to put up a convincing protest.

anyway, i digress. all i can say right now is that i still feel like crying, i don't know what else to do. it's not that it will make me feel any better, but sometimes the release is just ... somehow therapeutic. i'm a little scared that i'm going to do something stupid though. really. it's scary when you know what you are capable of and not sure that you are going to be able to successfully surpress your urges. if any of them knew the thoughts going through my head while i sit here and work, i would be yanked out of my seat and drug down the street to the hospital. ugh. one and a half hours left and i'm still worried. and scared. and angry. it all seems so hopeless and pointless right now.