lost in a web of truths, a web of lies. i don't know what to believe anymore or who to trust. i got out of the shower the other day bawling my eyes out because i was convinced that the only solution to the misery i was feeling was to take my own life. and then i sat and thought. what would i do. if my roommates 15 year old son were to wake up and find me in the tub, slit wrists, covered in blood, unconscious ... i couldn't do that to a child. i don't want a child to ever see that dark side of life. and then i thought about my car. how easy it would be to swallow a bunch of pills and then go for a ride, and whatever my car ran into at 70 miles an hour, so be it. no seatbelt, i wish that i would crash through the damned thing and lie on the road, a broken, bleeding, lifeless body. and then i remembered that paramedics are far too good at their jobs, and so are nosy passersby. i would need an extended road on which nobody travels in order to fulfill that fantasy. then i look to my medicine cabinet. i have enough random meds (barbituates, amphetamines, ad's, benzo's, etc ...) to make a good go at a serious overdose. but from past experiences, the overdose trail leads to nothing but misery, regret, and intense abdominal pain (and probably an effed up liver to boot) ... not death. unfortunately, i learned that the hard way. a gun? no. i don't want to shoot my jaw off or a portion of my skull off and have to live with the consequences of being mentally a different person after that. and so i am here. pondering what method, what way, what avenue i have to escape. as i said before, i am more than willing to put myself away for a few weeks ... a few months even to keep myself safe. but the irony of it all is that as a gainfully employed american, i cannot afford it in any way shape or form. how fucked up is that? i'm ready for help, yearning for it ... and still i'm looking for ways to die because it's less expensive. that's majorly fucked. i don't know what i want. i want to live and see tomorrow. i want to die and forget today and all the days that came before it. i want to find a place where i am accepted. i want a family that doesn't think of me as a pirraiah. i want too much i suppose.