I'm feeling kinda awkward 4 joining, but I'm here so here goes....

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Gapeach, Apr 10, 2016.

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  1. Gapeach

    Gapeach New Member

    I'm in my early 40's and I've been able to overcome some tremendous odds. Used to be dirt poor for the first 2/3 of my life, now I'm financially mobile, good professional job/career, I have a well reared adult child, highly educated and respected at work; however my personal life completely sucks and it's been that way for a very very long time. I feel very disconnected from people. Human connection has been very illusive for me. The only best friend I had betrayed me so that relationship is gone down the tube. For several years, I've been emotionally arrested with a person who I know I'll never be in a real relationship with. I'm really tired of the see saw emotional thing I have with him, but sadly I tolerate it because he's the only person that I feel partly connected to. My romantic life is nonexistent. I don't really have much in common with my family. In fact the closest I feel to them is that we just happened to be related by blood so I don't go around them. I feel so alone in this world to a point that I'm not really sure what's the point of hanging around anymore. I have a niece that I care for a lot because of the unfortunate circumstance my sister left her in, but I feel like if I die, I'll just leave her with a chunk of money that she can have access to when she turns 18 and that'll cute some her ails. When I try to talk to someone about it, they brush it off and/or have some ineffective platitudes to share in the hopes that'll cheer me up or something. I'm actually fine during the week because I'm working so I don't think about my loneliness as much. However, on the weekends that's when I'm painfully reminded of how disconnected, lonely and unloved I feel and after over 10yrs of feeling this way, I'm just so tired of it. I've tried so many times to change this by doing a myriad of things. But, no matter what I do, I end right back in this lonely, sad, dismal place of wanting to end the emotional suffering because I truly feel after 10+ yrs, it can't and won't change. It's like being alone is simply my destiny. Sure there are some temporary fixes along the way. But they're just that "temporary." It's awkward to share my thoughts here with strangers, but I think the people here maybe able to better understand me than the people I'm around on a daily basis. Most people just see the mask I wear or the few that I've chosen to find the courage to be vulnerable with will think I'm fine after they've tried to cheer me up. I am fine for a minute but this feeling eventually rears its head with a vengeance and I just don't want to keep burdening them with my inability to stay emotional stable in order to stop feeling this way. I don't want them to think I'm just seeking attention as I keep talkin about I'm tired of living, but I've yet to commit any real action behind my complaint. I'm not really sure why I joined this forum. Maybe just to share with others who can accurately empathize with what I'm going through. For the past few years (at least one or twice a month), I've been contemplating how relieved I'd feel to just get it over with by killing myself. I just don't see the point of living another year like this let alone possibly another 10,15 or 20 yrs. I've been trying to cope with the loneliness way too long and I'm just tired right now. I really am. Excuse me if there are any typos. I'm sitting in my garage trying to type on my iPhone through my tears.
  2. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hello Gapeach, firstly welcome to the forum, you'll find some really nice and caring people here who can relate and empathize with you. I can understand the feeling of being alone and also that no one understands. Recently my only living relative passed away and that's when, how alone I felt really kicked in along with depression and anxiety.
    I'm wondering if you've ever considered seeing a therapist, sometimes it helps to talk with someone who is neutral and trained in this area. Just a thought and something to consider. I'm no expert in this area, still struggle myself. I basically wanted to let you know that you're no longer alone, you'll find many people on this site who understand how you feel, that alone can help to get you through this, and I believe you can get through it. Please continue to post and interact with us, we really do care and will support you. Bless you and welcome.
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hello Gapeach and welcome to the forum. I am sorry you are going through all of this,you don't deserve it and it is not your fault. Depression is a terrible illness and will affect even the best of lives like yours. You beat tremendous odds once, you can do it again. Please don't act on your thoughts, I would suggest getting counselling and seeing a doctor, anti depressants might help but for the loneliness only you can fix that, ever tried meetup.com A few people here have had success with it. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.
  4. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    welcome to the forum @Gapeach

    I am so sorry to hear what you're going through hun, but I'm glad you were able to open up though. I hope you will find that this is a very supportive forum.
    You are dealing with a lot of things and I can understand how low you feel. But please don't give up. Allow yourself to fight.
    If you haven't already I think you really need to see a therapist and your doctor about some therapy and perhaps a little medication could do you well too.
    You've come far already, don't let it all go now. Life can be better; but sometimes you need a helping hand to get there. Depression is a tough thing to beat, and almost impossible alone. But if you allow yourself some help it is possible!

    *hugs* please take good care of yourself. You deserve that!
  5. SteveBy

    SteveBy Active Member

    Hello. You're not alone. Far from it in fact. There are many here who understand. I've felt detached from people for a long time, and it's isolating. Expressing views here is helpful, as you can say things which you cannot normally say...or not feel safe to say. I hope you keep going...it's worth it. Interacting with people here helps...it's a connection with real people and not with the masks people wear in public. Take care.
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